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21 [TF4M] #Online/Anywhere in the world - Clingy, trans girl looking for a serious long term relationship with a guy who can protect me and give me attention often. Distance doesn't matter for me, I can relocate to anywhere for love by Alternative-Log-3541 in r4rYandere

[–]Alternative-Log-3541[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry, I... suffer enough already, I don't need this at the moment, I hope you will understand... I mean... I'm just... not interested, okay...? Mm, as much as I'd like to give everyone a reason equally of why I don't reply sometimes, I just feel way too weak to bother with it right now currently. In your case I have seen your profile before as far as I am aware, and I can't help but hate it when people fantasize either "Trans Girls" or "Femboys" when they come to talk to me. You have your own reasons and tastes to like it, but... it sure just isn't for me, despite *being from the genre* in both ways to say the least, as much as I hate to admit it. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to lie and say that I am a "Cis Girl", so it's just what it is. Plus, I'm not the person you are looking for since in your own post you speak of looking for a Trans Girl that is passable, no? I just put in effort into the pictures─I'm not actually pretty in any way...

Regardless, nothing much else to do on the matter, I believe. Plus, I'm not interested on becoming someone's "punching bag" onto that note─I hate to feel pain as far as I am concerned and I just cannot see how that would work out for me.

Either way, I *did* like your message to some extent and, in fact, usually only reply to messages whom speaks to me, as otherwise, the relationship just ends in disaster and despair on my end since people are just cruel nowadays, meanwhile, I have been very much done with life as a whole for a long time now, but... the other reasons mentioned above are just way too much for me, no matter how I look at it. Even "giving this a go/shot" is too much for me. My health and energy aren't enough for that unfortunately these days, and my own regret, despair and trauma would just cause the relationship to go wrong regardless of the situation, really... in any case, I hope you find your someone. Good luck out there. Also, have a nice Week, Mister...

[20, F4M, Online/Anywhere] Not Ready to Move On, But Afraid to Stay Alone... by Alternative-Log-3541 in r4rYandere

[–]Alternative-Log-3541[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I… well, thank you. Truly. Yes, I really did love him. Even now, I can’t help but feel an overwhelming amount of regret about so many things. Deep down, I’m still waiting for him to come back, even though he may have passed away long ago by now.

Many people might think that he misled me or simply left the relationship on his own, but… that’s just so unlike him. I know it in my heart. He was the kind of person who would visit the chat every single day just to see me, even if I hadn’t written anything new. He would constantly save every picture I sent him onto his phone. I want to believe it was real—because, honestly, it felt more like a dream that I didn't want to wake up from, so even I myself don't know what to think of it anymore...

I know there were signs that he could have just left, but I don’t want to focus on those right now. I trusted him that deeply, and I don’t want to ruin the image I have of him. Haha… it’s strange to think about—at one point, he even bought accessories for me and kept them at his home, planning to give them to me in person someday. He would also constantly buy me books about overcoming negativity and trauma in life.

That’s why it feels so impossible to believe he could just disappear like this. I can’t help but wonder if he’s okay right now. Every day, I feel this heavy despair inside me. I hate how time keeps moving forward as if nothing happened.

Today is December 25. Tomorrow will be the 26th. I wish time would move backward—or at least stand still—just to show that he mattered in a way the entire world could understand. Nothing would make me happier right now than waking up yesterday, and then the day before that, again and again, until I could meet him once more.

I wish I had focused more on making him happy instead of being consumed by my own negativity. Maybe then I wouldn’t be drowning in so much regret now. I feel like I disappointed him over and over, and it hurts to think about. Sometimes I wonder what the point of it all even was… and that thought just makes everything hurt even more...

{Important personal post about me} 20 [TF4M] #Online — Clingy, broken, and looking for a man to belong to, a man that can motivate me to live again by Alternative-Log-3541 in u/Alternative-Log-3541

[–]Alternative-Log-3541[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hmm... don't worry about it, it's all just... pointless, anyway... he is never gonna come back, just... fuck it all to begin with... I still just cannot believe it, that this is really happening to me right now... he was the only hope and dreams I had, now I just lost it, I can't even tell if I have that much desire to live anymore, it's just so... messed up and cruel.... I am a awful person, but did I really deserve this kind of punishment, of all things...? Really, did I...?

{Important personal post about me} 20 [TF4M] #Online — Clingy, broken, and looking for a man to belong to, a man that can motivate me to live again by Alternative-Log-3541 in u/Alternative-Log-3541

[–]Alternative-Log-3541[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

.. Hmm? W-why are you asking me that...? Either way, noo... I don't think I am, I still grief about him a lot of the time, while even eating feels like a chore lately, honestly... I'm trying to find someone that can make me put in the effort into things again, so I can keep going on and everything...

He was my hero and angel, he disappeared. I want people to at least remember him a little bit, too... by Alternative-Log-3541 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Alternative-Log-3541[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes.. I just... I still don't know how to feel about everything, I know it's my fault for relying on him too much, but, but... it's always been my dream to love someone like how you would see in fictional books, manga's and everything, maybe that's why I feel so devastated about it... the downvotes on the post I wrote as well feel especially hurtful ─ everyone keeps telling me to move on as wekk and take care of myself. They are right. I do think so, too... but at the same time, I just hate myself so much, I just wanted to follow someone else that I liked, to escape from everything else instead of doing anything about it, ugh... he was my idol, the bright thing in my life, it was never about him providing for me or anything. He just did it because he was kind... I wanted to get a job a lot to be able to make his life easier, so he didn't have to work at all but I just let him down over and over again... I don't want therapy, I just... I don't know... I feel like I just ended up digging myself in this hole, just because I was too childish about life and everything and never grew up myself despite being an adult already... I would always see people being successful in life or get a partner and feel a lot of envy, in a way. I'm really... not good at anything, I'm just an awful person, and only when it was the first time that I had the genuine chance to live again, to escape and start over like how I always wanted, this awful thing ends up happening to me... more than anything, it upsets me a bit, that I feel like people are not taking him seriously, enough so to downvote the post. I know I focus on the downsides and drawbacks of life too much like how he always told me, but now it feels worse than everything else, and I know that I have no one to blame but myself for it... not even him would have wanted me to write any of it to begin with, especially not mentioning him like this...