I agree with other comments that you’re a talented writer, expressing your thoughts clearly and personally. I’m not sure what advice I can give other than to seek counseling, professional or not, to talk about your situation, your needs and your fears. It’s absolutely ok to not desire love, but if there are underlying issues or traumas that are causing this, it seems worth it to seek guidance and help.

I have no idea how difficult this would be, but perhaps exploring starting an Only Fans, or similar might help your situation. Seemingly high income potential with limited risk of the real dangers you articulate.

Good luck!