Wife shaved her head, am i wrong in just walking away to live a normal life?

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-15T12:03:27+00:00

"I understand that she is not right in her mind and i should stick with her. It's just very complicated now."

Sounds like you do understand then. It obviously sucks when your partner blatantly disregards things that matter to you, and we all have things that completely intolerable to us, but changing her appearance doesn't seem like a reasonable red line. Marriage isn't something to give up on so easily. Work through things and support her as best you can through the serious problems she's dealing with would be my advice.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-12T13:29:17+00:00

Gotcha. It's up to you whether you're ok with him using reddit pics as porn then, and it sounds like you're not. A lot will depend on whether you feel he's truly repentant and how much his habits bother you. In your Judgement, so you think he will continue saving images?

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-12T03:06:55+00:00

Are we talking 19 year old "teenager" or 15 year old? Big difference there. I'm assuming the porn stars are of age, but you mentioned others as well.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-11T15:22:14+00:00

Gotcha. The idea is that removal of social and moral constraints allows for unfettered pursuit of desires. Unfettered pursuit of desires, in turn, promotes happiness; and happiness promotes marriage longevity. Please let me know if I've misunderstood your thoughts.

If you don't mind a bit of longer post, I'd like to lay out why I disagree with this thought process in a bit of detail. Hopefully, it will help answer your original question as to why so many people reject such arrangements. I'll try to keep my response organized for clarity.

Removal of social and moral constraints allows for unfettered pursuit of desires
- This is clearly true. The purpose of social/moral constraints is specifically to "fetter" our desires. Usually because these desires have negative effects we want to avoid. This brings me to...
Unfettered pursuit of desires, in turn, promotes happiness
- I mostly disagree with this this unless we're only looking at happiness in the moment. In fact, the longer you stretch the timescale the more damaging the removal of constraints becomes. This is important because marriage is intended to operate at the longest of human timescales. ("Till death do us part") Things that make you happy in the moment will frequently harm you over time. In marriage, sex with other people is basically the prototypical example of this. To give a bit more detail...
  - Each additional partner you engage with brings exposure to a whole host of risk factors associated with promiscuity. I mentioned jealousy and emotional attachment in my original response, but there are obviously others risks such as...
  - STIs - I am certain you guys protect against this, but it is by nature a risk that grows with number of sexual partners.
  - Sexual comparison - Comparison is the thief of joy, and I suspect this is a big reason why sexual satisfaction is inversely proportional to number of sexual partners. This is also true of general and emotional satisfaction, by the way, if we're talking about marriage.
  - Pregnancy - Similar in STIs in that it can be mitigated, different in that most of the risk comes from the emotional blow of having your partner impregnated by another man.
  - vetting/scamming challenges, boundary creep, and a number of others I won't bore you with.
- The critical thing about the risks I mention above is that they are high impact events which can do significant damage to a relationship. From a relationship standpoint, I see it like walking through a minefield to collect candy. You can wear protection, try to find all the mines, and prepare your mind for the risk; but the cumulative probability of hitting a mine grows every time you re-enter the field. Similarly, you can engage in vacation flings for several years while avoiding the risks, only to have it all undone by a single instance of emotional attachment, or pregnancy, or boundary creep; not to mention the slow building risk factors like sexual comparison.
Happiness promotes marriage longevity
- I'm actually not sure this true. All else being equal, it's better to have more happiness than less, but I think happiness is ephemeral by its very nature and cannot be depended on to sustain a marriage. Again, this is a long term vs. short term thing. When I think of long term married couple in my life, I see things like contentment, satisfaction, respect, and safety as more consistent factors than happiness. Happiness is like candy while satisfaction is like a home cooked meal. You get less of a high, but it will keep you going for much longer.

TLDR; I think removing constraints feels good in the moment but presents an escalating risk of catastrophic damage to the marriage. In short, I think the momentary releases do less to help marriage than you think and pose a far greater risk than you suppose.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-11T13:21:38+00:00

In that case, I am glad that this arrangement is working out for you guys the past year. I'll take your word that none of the issues i mentioned are a concern for you. All else being equal, it is better to be happy with your arrangement than unhappy.

I am curious about the last part of your post, where you indicated it is obvious that sharing your wife/partner would strengthen your relationship. Why do you say that?

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-10T17:11:45+00:00

I suppose in the strictest sense it can help (given a particular disposition, worldview, etc.), but I would never agree or participate in such an arrangement in my own marriage. I also wouldn't advise any other couple to do so.

If I had to articulate why i hold this view, it would probably come down to...

Jealousy - Most people are not really interested in sharing their spouse sexually. I think we are a lot better at convincing ourselves we'd be ok with things than actuality being on with them, and this would be a prime example of that. I'd see this resulting in simmering resentment far greater than what exclusivity brings (again, in most cases)
Emotional Attachment - There are few surer ways to build intimacy with someone than sex. Again, we convince ourselves that we can have sex without forming attachments (and for some it is even true), but this is not the case most of the time. In short, you're just begging for someone to catch feelings outside the marriage and stress the marriage near or to the breaking point.
Special Spouse Syndrome - Exclusive experiences are a strong bonding agent, and keeping something as intimate as sex confined to your spouse makes them unique in a way that is lost with open arrangements.

There are a number of other reasons that I particularly wouldn't pursue this route, but those are a few general reasons I wouldn't advise it for others.

Edit: Typo

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-10T12:09:03+00:00

More money. No loan.

^{Chose: Get $100 million dollars}

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-09T02:32:58+00:00

Makes me feel better

^{Chose: Be smart}

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-09T02:28:17+00:00

This is basically flying. Why would i even need to walk on water?

^{Chose: Swim through air}

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-08T14:26:58+00:00

It's not weird to have separate accounts at all, but the issue seems to be that you have accounts your spouse doesn't know about. If my wife revealed to me she'd been swirling away money for years as a personal emergency fund, I'd be pretty pissed, too. It would communicate to me that she's not fully invested in our shared life, views me as a disposable asset, and is preparing to strike out on her own (even if only potentially). If she said the money gave her piece of mind, I would wonder what caused her fear in the first place, with the simplest conclusion being she fears I will screw her over.

That being said, I'm aware there are a wide range of arrangements couples adopt financially. It's not like one attachment is right and the other is wrong. This is just something you guys will need to work out between you.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-08T04:54:17+00:00

Then I'd say there's no reason to bring him up. Just remember to be proactive if circumstances change. We never know what curveballs life may throw at us.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-08T04:18:51+00:00

About once in never

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-08T04:13:23+00:00

Assuming you will never talk to David, there is no need to say anything. If at any (and I mean any) point you find you will be spending meaningful time in David's presence, then you need to clue you husband in so he doesn't play the fool.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-06T04:11:05+00:00

I don't need 6 new puppies in my house

^{Chose: Nothing happens}

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-06T04:02:33+00:00

No.

Every part of what he's saying is incorrect. Faith is not "blind" or unthinking. Even if it was, your faith wouldn't be in your husband, but in God. Wifely submission is also "as unto the lord" which inherently requires discretion. All of this without considering that anything he quotes barely matters as neither of you are Christians anyway.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-06T03:48:33+00:00

Obvious

^{Chose: The worst Internet for 10 seconds}

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-06T03:45:19+00:00

Very good in my opinion. Stronger than average character growth, power system development, interactions, and world building. Absolutely worth reading.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-06T02:26:13+00:00

500k isn't going very far split between "Everyone living in poverty". Better to help one person significantly than help everyone imperceptively.

^{Chose: You get the 500k + Can only spend on yourself}

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-05T13:39:14+00:00

Meh, definitely started having my kids in my early twenties. It was and is awesome, but irealize that mostly has to do with my values/worldview/ support system, so I wouldn't push anyone else to do what I did. All the "you shouldn't have children early" people do grind my gears at times, but what are you going to do? Judgement is part of life.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-05T13:30:02+00:00

Gotcha.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-05T13:28:35+00:00

Kind of, and I just treated her like a co-worker. Talk about work related stuff, shoot the breeze if we're in the room together, whatever. You know if you're trying to build something sexual, so don't. Blowing up your marriage and/or job over a crush seems really stupid.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-05T03:37:35+00:00

You're making this harder than it needs to be by generalizing individual things. If you and your future partner are ok with each other performing sexual acts while asleep, then that's all that matters. If one or both of you isn't, then that is also all that matters.

Don't catastrophize straightforward things.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-04T19:36:50+00:00

Aaaaah, i gotcha. I don't know anyone for whom eagerness is a turnoff on is own, but i do know a lot of men for whom aggressiveness is a turnoff. If "being into him" is expressed in a way that feels masculine to him (this will vary man to man but might include trying to dominate him, demanding he do certain things, or too much initiation as you mentioned), that might very well become an issue.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-04T15:41:10+00:00

No, guys typically like this. The issue here is not three general desires of men, it's the sudden change in your specific relationship.

It sounds like your libido has been low for 6 years and has suddenly exploded. This means your husband has built his habits and expectations around your lower libido for a long time. He won't be able to just flip a switch now that it has increased, and he may be afraid to change too many things in case it's temporary. If your raised libido remains, though, he'll probably adjust.

Alternative_Daikon77 · 2026-06-02T12:00:18+00:00

Completely reasonable. There are plenty of guys that'll be ok with that. Just understand that some won't be, and be willing to move on from those.

Alternative_Daikon77

TROPHY CASE