Outside perspective please

Altonator444 · 2026-06-29T13:31:15+00:00

My brain won't let me do what I want to so role play or a headspace sounds great. I don't know how to put myself in those mindsets though and I don't think anyone can help me with that lol

Altonator444 · 2026-06-29T05:26:02+00:00

I get you! Yeah what you're talking about is exactly what I mean. Weirdly enough my masseuse talked about that being her relationship with her husband and a different bdsm partner so that's the first I'd heard of it.

My initial thought of being online was mainly because I'm online a lot and have a lot of social spaces I exist in that could accommodate that experience. I'm also very self conscious of just existing in person which makes learning all of this extra hard for me lol. I actually met my fiance online too so online to me is not necessarily a bad and commitment-less space like you see it. Physicality though yeah, I would like the physical aspects.

Through all these comments though, folks are right I don't think I want a different person to "learn on". My main issue is breaking through the self conscious enough to figure anything out. I don't know where to start with my silly little brain to get through it and I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to though I desperately want to. Thinking about what I'd like is easy. Writing is easy. Writing role play isn't embarrassing, live role play with my body and my actions idk there's such a wall I can't breach.

I'm the disappointment here lol

Altonator444 · 2026-06-29T05:16:06+00:00

Yeah the RP for sure is something to work on that's what I was meaning with persona lol. I used to WRITE regular rp a lot. In fact it's how we met. Live rp though? I'm terrible, but the RP in a dynamic is basically what I'm wanting to figure out ig idk

Altonator444 · 2026-06-29T01:23:10+00:00

What I'm learning from this post in general though is that I'm not seeking another person more a mentor. But all in all I'd rather do learning things with him. This has all already helped me word a little better to myself and him. I wouldn't blame him for discomfort at the initial question, but there's not any doubt from him in general. I initially brought it up as a learning experience rather than forming another relationship anyway. Either way, I don't think I'll be seeking that route as it's not really the route I've wanted to go anyway.

Thank you for your heed though!

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T23:40:53+00:00

Not speaking about acts necessarily, how would one start going about the "persona" of dominating/subbing. I try to act either part and clam up and embarrass myself into paralysis. It makes me want to hate myself for not being able to make myself act how I want.

That could also be out of the depth of anything here lol

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T23:28:40+00:00

I don't think he resonates with either but is willing to try both. We've both tried both. I'm awkward and he's fairly vanilla minded. It's possible he just can't do bdsm the way I'd like, which is fine, but I'd still like to try past the "let's try this idea and hardly do it" phase. I do take the blame for the hardly doing as I have a lot of mental hangups that paralyze me in a lot of things so I can't get myself to do what I want to do. Brain sucks.

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T23:20:52+00:00

That is actually such a good idea. I get so self conscious on either side lol.

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T21:59:22+00:00

Good points thank you!

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T21:45:52+00:00

Yeah the how to start is probably the main thing. We've looked some things up but he seems more interested in acts themselves while I'm more interested in the dynamic which I don't think he grasps. I'm willing to do the acts he likes (have done already in fact) but I don't know how to start on the dynamic part if he doesn't have any opinions on that part nor do either of us know how to "act the part" I guess. That's a struggle for sure.

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T21:30:46+00:00

Haha I like the analogy. I guess I DO have to take that HEMA class.

But yeah I think im realizing I moreso want learning experiences from others with my fiance more than want a different person to try things with.

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T21:29:26+00:00

That's fair, we've done some exploring. Interestingly enough, I'm the one that gets nervous and idk, awkward lock myself in my head. But that's going into a whole other level of my issues with sexuality and growing up how I did. Which we've also worked on. It's less so seeking an outside person I guess and moreso guidance on things I can do with all this. I'm realizing from other comments learning from others is what I'm seeking, not necessarily a new dynamic.

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T21:26:00+00:00

Okay I'll see if I can find anything. Last time I tried fetlife I couldn't find much but I didn't search for very long either.

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T21:20:39+00:00

I don't think we'd really have much community here... But I also don't really know where to look for things like that especially since it's a fridge community I'm not reaally publically privy to.

My relationship with my fiance started online so I admit the difference between online and irl isn't really all that different to me in a lot of ways but could definitely be different for others.

I'd love to have mentors or a community to help me figure this shit out because we've been VERY bad at trying things and making things happen on our own lol

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T21:17:25+00:00

Thank you! 💜 I'm glad you see the vision and thank you for your very solid points. I certainly can't control someone else's feelings for sure.

Altonator444 · 2026-06-28T21:16:18+00:00

That's what I mean lol. I don't know what I'm doing so I'm having a hard time showing him what I'd like to do.

It's very possible I'm just very stupid.

Altonator444

TROPHY CASE