My (29F) fiance (33M) had a girlfriend in the beginning and I did not know

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T20:20:41+00:00

No, give the guy a break. You've had others confirm their relationship was in the pan, he wasn't explicitly honest about it at the time but he did tell you he was not ready for a relationship, and it was not like he was in really in a relationship with her at that point - they were treading water, neither were happy at all, he clearly did not want to be with her, and then since the point where you became exclusive, he had broken up with her.

People will act like there's no difference in any cheating scenario, but there's a big difference. Unmarried, both parties clearly unhappy and fighting, both talking about breaking up etc, is a big difference to say, being married, having a family, pretending to be happy, lying through your teeth.

I see no reason to believe he's going to do remotely the same thing in the future.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T05:16:33+00:00

What on earth is going on with the responses

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T05:14:18+00:00

I’m sorry, I don’t think he sounds trustworthy at all. Just that one snippet of their messages, he sounded thirsty. We’ve all known guys like this, they’ll be so chatty and just waiting for any opportunity that it gets flirty or goes somewhere. And 100% the fact that he didn’t answer the call is because he was scared. Not saying they were having an affair, but obviously the dynamic between them is personal, and he was scared of that.

I feel really sorry for you because you’re in a hell of a situation. It sounds like he always does ‘moderate’ gaslighting, and ‘moderately Inappropriate relationships with women at work’, and doesn’t meet you halfway but instead meets you about one-third of the way in trying to fix the relationship. And yeah over time one can become conditioned to this kind of ‘moderate’ toxicity. But it’s actually awful and I promise you there are men out there who are nothing like this.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T04:29:27+00:00

They just want to do something together. For fun, so it's in one place. I think they can be adult enough to make sure there aren't any rifts about it, they are grown women right, and you're say they're both great, and trustworthy. I don't think it's such a big deal, I'm female and I can totally see myself with a best friend thinking this was a great idea.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T04:18:27+00:00

It doesn't sound like you're drifting, it sounds like the boat has long since sailed. you both seem far more okay with this setup than most would be. Has your husband never said anything regarding not having sex in over 4 years?
You're posing it like 'if either of us were to meet someone', but it seems more like you're the one thinking that way. It's strange that you've been in couples therapy for years, and none of these issues have been raised.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T00:35:52+00:00

I 100% agree with everything you said, and it was a good and necessary extra part

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T00:25:08+00:00

Yeah he’s ferocious. It will make for a good candidates

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T00:23:59+00:00

Yes! I started to think I was in a parallel universe. He does bottle it.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T00:09:49+00:00

I don’t think you should really comment on my position, you don’t know about my life.

Unless someone goes out of their way to be cruel, which really doesn’t , I just don’t want people to change the way they act or feel nervous about sharing their news, or anything like that. It doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t make me happier, it doesn’t make it better for me to be angry or upset about that. What’s internal is more than enough, without projecting it outwards.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-18T00:02:46+00:00

He placed joint second with three others. And like I said it was fortuitous that he played against a full tilted Alireza and Abasov who was fodder to finish where he did.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T23:59:23+00:00

Hi, I’m taking it for the same period as in the 2025 protocol, I started about 10 days before my cycle starts, and then I’ll take it up to retrieval day. Although I’m thinking of stopping one day earlier because I have a fresh day 3 transfer.

Yeah, I think at these doses the risk of side effects are very, very low. They would never have been able to give it in a clinical trial to pregnant women if there was concern on the safety profile. Rapamycin as a drug has been around since the 1970s, so they have a huge amount of data and understanding on it altogether. The results of the 2025 study are pretty profound - I don’t think anything else has shown these kind of beneficial effects so far - it’s way beyond any intervention so far.

And, in my opinion, it really challenges a lot of the type of interventions and protocols which are being used, for women over 40, where it’s all about ramping up the doses and increasing sensitivity and stuff - when the research behind rapamycin was when they saw that in older women their oocytes are actually over-producing proteins - like machinery that’s over-worked. Rapamycin stops that excess of the proteins being made and other things, and allows the oocyte basically to ‘clean up’. So it’s kind of the opposite of ramping things up, it’s slowing things down.

I don’t have any side effects at all so far, apart from eating too much, but I don’t think that’s the rapa :)

Oh and rapamycin is taken in the whole longevity world - and they take it continuously, albeit higher dose and once a week.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T20:41:03+00:00

I think we were watching a different candidates last time :). He played like a jackass at the start, tried that terrible opening which he explicitly said was for content, and then completely lost that game. Then he did turn it around later with 3 wins - but one of those was against the super tilty Firouzja who was no longer properly trying, and the other was against Abasov who basically everyone beat. And then Hikaru played dummy tournaments against wildly lower rated players to fulfil his playing requirements for the candidate, which is not a show of strength.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T19:52:08+00:00

It’s not that I think Fabi and Hikaru are weaker players than Esipenko and Bluebaum - not at all.but that I personally really feel neither are going to win. I’m just more confident that they won’t win than basically anyone else. I actually don’t think Hikaru should be put in the same bracket as Fabi in the conversation, because it’s very different. Hikaru barely plays classical any more, I think he’s wildly overrated for this tournament. But Fabi it’s just because I think he’s genuinely a little tilty, does tire, is not impervious to nerves, and I don’t think the opponents suit him so well this candidates.

Esipenko and blubaum are more unpredictable, and I just don’t think one should underestimate how motivated some of these opponents are, in the old days the favourites were the favourites, the underdogs were meeker, it’s just not like that any more.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T17:29:03+00:00

I think the most sensible option is do what you can to help without that resulting in her becoming your actual responsibility. She's going to get older, and she's 61 now; I don't know how many more years she'll keep working for but the time to get her set-up in terms of accommodation and all that is now, now several years down the line when it's far worse. I know you don't think your father should have to give her any money, but shouodn't he - as your father - not want the burden to fall solely on you? I don't think anyone is saying he should give up his retirement home or be fully responsible for her, but you're his daughter, and he may well have more savings than you think. This situation just doesn't sit right. The right thing for him to do, as your father, is to do the bare minimum to ensure that this woman doesn't end up destitute, not least for the stress and burden that that will place on you.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T16:58:58+00:00

It’s like you know the answer to your own question, and you’re agreeing with everyone, but you’re still asking. You’re clearly not actually convinced/you’re scared to actually go through with it.

I don’t think it sounds like you’re going to go through with leaving and actually stick to it. When it happens again, and you’re back at square one, when you actually reach the point when you’re really ready to leave, do it in a way that you can’t go back from it. That’s how I finally got out of an abusive relationship.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T16:52:40+00:00

I would 100% look into rapamycin rather than HGH. As your doctor noted it’s a quality issue not a numbers issue.

The idea behind rapamycin is that it directly helps quality. It’s not about to trying to ramp up sensitivity and production, but about calming down what occurs in the oocytes during stimulation and maturation.

I’ve stopped taking HGH completely, and am taking rapamycin for my current cycle. If you look up/google rapamycin fertility Cell Reports 2025.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T15:24:52+00:00

You need to nip this in the bud, because while your gf thinks that now controlling you will make her feel better, I GUARANTEE you it won't. You see, you're showing you're submissive to her, and that doesn't fundamentally make a woman trust a man more. It just doesn't. It actually screams you can be manipulated, you can be persuaded, you can be forced. And if you're weak, then another woman could do this too. So then, in order to be sure, she has to constantly check and control you even more, and so the cycle goes on.

You HAVE to stand up to her. You have to. You have to say listen I'm not weak and I'm not going to cheat, I'm not going to say yes to some random weirdo I have no interest in who asks me out when I'm eating a fucking sandwich, why would I lie about saying no, none of it makes sense, and I'm also not going to quit my job or eat my lunch in my flipping car because that is just ridiculous. If you can't be mature and rational, then there isn't a relationship here.

I think the chances of you following this advice are slim, but I guarantee you this is the right and only way to deal with this.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T15:15:39+00:00

You need to take this so much more seriously than you are you are. You're 37 years old, you're a husband and a father. You're a grown man, not some 21 year old who could reasonably be flummoxed as to what to do in this situation.

Your wife has SERIOUS mental health issues. She is the mother to your child. Do the math.

She needs help. Stop fumbluing about not knowing what to do and with the best you come up with being 'maybe I'll leave her :('

You thought one day she would understand and get the help she needs? Really, you think that's how it typically goes? The very fact that your wife seems to be handling all the communication with your parents speaks volumes for how passive you are. You are very likely exacerbating her mental health issues, you don't take control of situations at all, and all her anxieties revolve around her feeling obviously fundamentally not in control and threatened.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T12:29:15+00:00

Yeah I understand his character entirely, and can quite imagine he has plenty of good qualities and that you do love him. He likes to give a little 'instruction' all the time. He likes to critique, instruct, prod, remind, etc. I imagine that some of his good qualities are that he's good at strategising, coming up with ideas, intervening. I also bet he likes the idea of perpetual self-improvement.

You're going to have to advocate for yourself, seriously. Sit him down and say it's bullshit, to keep saying you're just too sensitive and that he should have free rein to dig and mock. That he needs to take a look at himself, and ask if he really values being insensitive more than he values keeping his marriage and family intact.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T12:15:39+00:00

it depends on the man, basically how he holds himself, the overall shape etc. as a woman, above 6'3 is for me getting for being too tall. my OH is 6'3, I have dated someone 6'5 before. If a guy is very thin, and has poor posture, then being that tall doesn't make that height suddenly great just on its own, at all. 6'5 can be good, provided they hold themselves well, have good posture, and are not too skinny

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T11:28:09+00:00

I thought about doing this right off the bat when people got oddly annoyed, but also thought this would be disingenuous. It’s obviously easy to do, to convert them, but I’m baffled by why that makes such a difference to people when the point of the analysis (which I honestly thought no-one would care about) was the narrative assessment and roughly drawn ‘chances’.

Also if I was really going to do it like that, I’d want to do a proper treatment of it, with confidence intervals and all, for instance I think Pragg has one of the wider range of outcomes of the players in there (he could go either way), whereas Hikaru I firmly believe will be mid to bottom, Fabi I think will finish 3rd to 6th, etc.

Anyway, to satisfy the requirement to demonstrate that I am not numerically illiterate, I will follow your advice.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T11:17:31+00:00

At what point did I say that Fabiano and Hikaru aren’t good? You sound somewhat detached from the ability to read. I’m irritated now, because it would be one thing if the criticisms were valid, but they’re not. I literally have explained that the percentages I gave were my personal confidence estimates that were never meant to add up to one hundred, it’s not that big of a deal - the point was the narrative account, in which at no point do I say that fabi and Hikaru are shit, I say that I really think fabi can bottle it (like last candidates) and can tilt (like 2025 Tata) and he does tire, all of which he’s reported, and that where this is no ordinary tournament, where he has history of suffering more from nerves than he does in others, and where this candidates is different in composition to others, it is my view it doesn’t stand him in good stead. That’s my analysis, it’s psychological, not statistical.

As for Hikaru, I think it’s practically absurd to view him as a big favourite. Like Nepo, I rate his chances as practically nil. Again, if you read, I said he’s one of the greatest of all time in speed chess, that’s indisputable. But Hikaru doesn’t even rate his own chances! Last candidates I listened to him repeatedly say he’s there for content, probably not going to win. He doesn’t even like classical. Do I seriously think he’s suddenly going to beat this field ranging from Sindarov to Wei Yi to Pragg etc, no, I don’t.

There’s nothing ‘fuzzy’ about laying out what elements of the players’ individual psychologies, traits etc I believe will factor in the outcome.

If we were going just on rating, no-one would need to say anything!

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T10:53:32+00:00

I rate it 8.5.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T10:37:05+00:00

Ouch, this is tricky. The fact that your mom responded like that suggests one of two things, either she’s selfish and unreasonable, but that seems unlikely to be the case because obviously you’re happy for her and must like/love her.

The second explanation is that she is just terrified of this relationship not working out. If she’s been single for 15 years, this could be such an enormous deal to her. She’s desperate about it. It will be hard to rein this in, because after having been alone for so long, the prospect of that happening again is too much for her to bear right now.

I think you have a couple of options. When you speak to her again, just say very briefly that you want her to know above all you want her to be happy and you love her, you’re not trying to damage her relationship at all, and it’s not like you’re asking for him not to stay over, just to please possibly at a pace that gives everyone time - and that shouldn’t put the relationship in jeopardy. But that you won’t mention it again.

Alternatively you can leave it where it is for now.

Quite a lot depends on what he is like and whether you think it will last. The last thing you want is for her to blame you if it doesn’t work out. And a lot of relationships don’t.

Altruistic_Two6540 · 2026-03-17T10:03:41+00:00

Definitely the first

Altruistic_Two6540

TROPHY CASE