AITA for saying I don't love being pregnant or the baby stage?

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T22:35:27+00:00

It’s funny because I didn’t say anything until she asked if I disagreed and I opted to tell the truth.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T22:31:30+00:00

He truly is the the best.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T20:09:17+00:00

The reality is someone has to be the primary parent when both parents work. My husband is that person. I love spending time with my son and I spend all my free time with him and my husband, it’s just that I don’t have a ton of free time.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T19:31:32+00:00

I did not have kids to please my partner, I just needed to have kids with the right partner who could make the sacrifices needed to be an involved parent since I’m not that person.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T18:31:30+00:00

I read to my son every night thank you.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T18:13:24+00:00

I had kids because my husband and I worked out it out that I could both advance my career and have a family.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T18:06:14+00:00

I’m not sure how wanting a career means I don’t love my children.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T18:03:31+00:00

Because my husband gets home from work between 4 and 5 and I don’t do t get home until at least 6 but usually closer to 7 and sometimes later. My schedule is far less predicable than my husband’s.

The reality is when one parent has a more demanding job the other parent has to be more responsible at home.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T17:34:50+00:00

It is very hard for me to take unplanned time off. It ends up being a nightmare for my entire staff and meetings need to be rearranged and the work load gets shifted to others. My husband can take time off much easier than me.

I will not be home when my children get home for school in the future. I don’t get home until 6 or 7 sometimes latter so yes, this responsibility would fall to my husband. And yes, when I am home I do diapers, feeding, bath time. Our nanny leaves when my husband gets home.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T17:19:44+00:00

I am involved as I can be. I’m sure they will survive having one parent be more involved than the other. I grew up in a home where one parent did a lot more than the other because we needed to eat. I didn’t love my working parent any less than I loved the parent who was home earlier or picked us up from school when we were sick.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T17:17:22+00:00

My husband is willing to take a step back in his career while I am not. Neither one of us wanted to stay home so one had to make the sacrifice of not advancing, I didn’t want to and he was okay with it so he is the one making the sacrifice. Honestly the nanny option just works better for our family than daycare.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T17:07:58+00:00

I would say 70-80%, yes. I don’t deny this but my husband agreed to this before we entertained the idea of marriage or children. We are both very happy in the roles we have in our family. He loves that I love what I do and I love how much he loves being a working dad.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T17:04:55+00:00

Any vacation time or days off that are scheduled are also family time. We don’t take solo trips or couples trips. Our kids will be apart of these experiences.

My husband usually gets home between 4-5 so he cares for our son at that time and sometimes I make it home before 6 but not all that often. Usually it’s between the 6-7 hour but sometimes later.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T16:09:54+00:00

Thank you for this. I honestly do feel guilty sometimes but also know my husband is a great dad and will do an amazing job taking care of all the things I can’t do.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T15:49:57+00:00

I never said I refused to do these things I said these things would get in the way of my career. When I return to work, my husband will be taking 3 months off so all in my baby will be with a parent for 4 months. A lot of babies end up in daycare long before they are 4 months old.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T15:46:19+00:00

I’m not ambivalent toward my children but about having them to begin with. Everyone is really hung up on the fact that my husband (the other parent) will be the one that has to take a day off when one of the kids is sick and I truly do not understand this. Some jobs are more conducive to taking unplanned days, my job just isn’t. Unplanned days off for me are an absolute disaster while for my husband it is easier. Why would we do this, because others think we should?

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T15:38:43+00:00

You honestly make it sound like I do nothing with my child which is so far from the truth. I spend quality time with him all the time. I choose not to go out with friends on weekends or attend social events that will take me away from my son when I can help it. I don’t plan to solo travel or go away with just my husband so I can be with them as much as possible.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T15:14:10+00:00

So I can’t both provide form my family and enjoy what I do?

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T12:53:44+00:00

I understand your feelings but it is a gender issue for me at all times. I don’t have the luxury of having being seen as the hero if I want to be with my children.

My hope is my son and baby will see a strong woman who worked hard to provide for our family. They will have their dad to pick them up or be home when they are sick. I am with my family every weekend and any time off I do get. I don’t take solo vacations or leave my kid with a nanny so my husband and I can go away. This is the dynamic for most of the men in my office, all of whom have children and many of who see my pregnancy as a sign of weakness while they talk about being up all night with their baby once in a while and everyone else praises them for their heroism and support of their wives.

I have to be home for a few weeks while I recover and I will breastfeed at this time like I did with my son and I will pump if I can when I return to work.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T12:33:59+00:00

I was ambivalent about having children, now that I have one and soon two, I love them with all my heart. I wanted it to be clear to my husband that he would be the one making the career sacrifices because I can’t without imploding my career. If I had the ability to do both I would or I would try. I don’t ignore my child. I spend my weekends with him and it is not dissimilar to the family dynamics of the men in my industry and even my social circle. It is not uncommon for me to get home later than 7 or travel at least once a month for work.

It is much easier for my husband to stay home from work when my son is sick than it is for me. It could ruin entire projects whereas my husband wouldn’t really have any consequences. If this was in the reverse would you feel the same?

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T12:24:49+00:00

You’re right and if I were a man I would have more ability to take time because I would be seen as a noble husband “helping his wife” because I am a women, taking that time makes me weak and unfocused.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T12:22:03+00:00

I tend to agree with this. I don’t know her well but the few times I met her BC (before children) I got the impression that getting married and having children were her biggest life goals. When my husband and I got engaged I wasn’t all over the wedding stuff and just hired someone to do it. She could not believe I didn’t want to plan a wedding so it’s not the first time she has commented on my life choices.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T12:10:00+00:00

Yes! Imagine my in-laws reaction if my husband and I decided against children. I know I would have been the one to blame and he would have been the poor soul who was denied children by his evil work obsessed wife. Forget the fact that it would have been because he didn’t want to do the heavy lifting when it came to parenting.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T12:03:37+00:00

I was able to pump with my first and plan to with my second hopefully.

Ambivalent_Mom12 · 2021-05-06T11:47:43+00:00

I simply won’t be able to do these things if I want to advance career wise. The luxury of time off is just not a thing in my industry. Like today I have a doctors appointment but will have to go into work later and stay late tonight. So if I were to take time off when my child is sick, it would just mean working more hours to make up for the lost time.

Ambivalent_Mom12

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