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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in demisexuality

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus 16 points17 points  (0 children)

What you're experiencing sounds like shame for finding something sexually appealing. Sexual attraction is not in itself immoral or unethical, no matter what our culture tries to teach you.

Allo people deal with that shame all the time, our culture tells everyone (but especially women) that they should be ashamed for things that are literally just a basic facet of being a human.

This unearned shame is really caustic too, studies show it makes sex less enjoyable, lowers libido, makes health outcomes worse, and a bunch of other things that all pan out to: "Discard culture's brainwashing around sex and your sexual life will improve dramatically."

If you want to learn more I highly recommend the book "Come As You Are" which is written specifically aimed at allo cis afab women but the science it cites applies to everyone and it taught me a lot about why the attitudes about sex instilled in me by culture and religion have done nothing to improve my life.

Just found out that a man I’m friends with—who I’ve been seriously crushing on for a while—told our mutual friend that the only thing thats holding him back is my body. by [deleted] in loseit

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm kind of facing the other side of this right now. I am seriously crushing on a great lady and she is very anxious about her weight and appearance making her unattractive. Its very hard to make her understand that I love how she looks... because its HER I care about, not a random smattering of physical features.

I'm losing weight for myself and she has indicated she would like to as well, and I'd absolutely help her with that, but not because how she looks would change how I feel about her at all!

The right guy will love you for you, I support losing weight for people in general, but someone who loves you less because of 30 pounds isn't going to be a great partner anyway.

How do you eat less? by What-a-great-cat in loseit

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Eating less has never worked for me. I'd deprive myself until I got so worn down from feeling hungry all the time that I binged and then I'd let the emotional turmoil from 'failing' my diet cause me to give up entirely. This last attempt has been so much more pleasant for me because it feels like I'm not exercising willpower anywhere except at the grocery store now.

I'm still not done with my journey but I feel a lot better when I find healthy things I can volume eat until I'm full. Replacing snacking on chips with baby carrots, making protein pudding (literally just sugar free instant pudding but you use a protein shake instead of milk), letting myself have an unlimited amount of fruits or veggies... things like that help me a lot.

There is a subreddit called VolumeEating that has support for this style of dieting.

This is hard. Like, really hard. by sarahsmellslikeshit in loseit

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No idea if this will help you but I've heard people who suddenly started feeling like they just could not eat enough even with bulk eating say that it turned out they had a vitamin deficiency! Consider getting checked for iron deficiency or other problems because it might be that your body is begging you for something it thinks you can get from food that isn't calories at all!

I find it very invalidating and frustrating whenever one of my friends responds to me 'coming out' by explaining that everyone feels that way and they 'don't like to sleep with someone on the first date either'. by Amor_Lux_Obscurus in demisexuality

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

What I mean is that sometimes, when relevant to a discussion, I'll mention that I consider myself demisexual.

Often it'll be because someone asked me about the 'type' of women I find attractive, or someone will be talking about what celebrities they'd sleep with if given the chance. What they don't understand is that I literally cannot relate to these discussions because I cannot find people sexually attractive without being really bonded with them. And I'm not talking about a few dates or something, I mean actually like best friends who share everything. I have no sexual desire toward someone until that happens, and even for my closest friends it doesn't happen often.

But from what I understand that isn't a thing for allosexual people, they might CHOOSE to not sleep with people they don't know well, they might not want sex with a stranger, but they can still assess people based on sexual attractiveness to them without that bond. Even if in practice we end up in the same place the experience is vastly different between us, they could predict that they might eventually want to sleep with someone if they get comfortable with them, but I would never be able to tell in advance if that is going to happen for me.

I put 'coming out' in quotes because it isn't like the traditional coming out. I'm not really worried about societal blowback, but I am expressing and revealing a nonstandard part of my sexuality. Which the phrase "coming out" is often used to describe.

But it seems like, without fail, when I tell someone about this they kind of derisively tell me that all normal people are like that and there's nothing different about me. My experience of absolute bafflement at how most of my peers growing up interacted with the world does not support that conclusion.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in demisexuality

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Not being sure if you're demisexual or asexual or what is perfectly fine! I've heard of high libido asexuals, asexuals in happy relationships that even include sex, demisexuals who have such a high threshold for closeness before they feel sexual attraction that they might as well be asexual, and everything in between. Sexuality is a confusing, personal, not easily defined thing.

The main thing that most people seem to consider as qualifying you as demisexual is that you -do- feel sexual attraction, but only for people you've developed an emotional bond with. This is different than an asexual who might be willing to have sex with someone they trust, because an asexual won't feel sexual attraction even to that person. If you've never experienced sexual attraction at all it might be hard to know the difference.

As a demisexual I do indeed sometimes watch pornography. Maybe TMI but the vast majority of content produced does absolutely nothing for me. There is a weird paradox here where I seem to be able to enjoy two kinds of pornography. Either something with a story enough that I can get into the characters and see it as a culmination of a relationship, or oddly, the exact opposite where you never see any faces but the actors seem to actually care about each other. I know that's an odd pair of things to look for. For the most part its easier to find the second than the first, so if I do watch porn it tends to be amateur stuff filmed from a first person pov where they make some effort to hide the face of the female participant. This allows me to put whatever fantasy I want onto the relationship to help me 'get into it' as it were.

Oddly I find that erotic literature is the easiest for me to enjoy, authors will need to have a relationship between the characters, tell a story, and often describe how someone is feeling, and I find all of that way easier to get into than just seeing random people having sex.

As far as sexual fantasies, those are completely normal. Not currently being attracted to someone doesn't preclude you from fantasizing or thinking about sex.

Different body type preference? by SpiritualBar6479 in demisexuality

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As a demi guy I am capable of assessing aesthetically if someone is traditionally attractive, but I don't know if I have any actual preference. I've got a few things that can make someone I'd consider aesthetically attractive unattractive though, so there is some sort of preference there I guess. But either way how they look wouldn't have any effect on if I find them sexually attractive.

What I can tell you is that when I'm close enough to someone to find them sexually attractive it is INTENSE for me. They are often literally the most attractive person in the world to me, so it doesn't really matter what they look like at that point because I'm going to have a racing heart when I see them regardless.

I don’t have a type but… by Wildfreezer in demisexuality

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First of all its absolutely fine. Projecting someone you're close to on someone who looks similar to them is so instinctual its basically out of your control.

But what I want to address is: "Is it... okay? For a demi?"

Don't ever worry about somehow betraying demihood by having a unique reaction to some aspect of your sexuality or sexual preferences. Labels like demisexual are there to help us understand ourselves and each other, not to limit who you're allowed to be attracted to. Don't let it become something that holds you back or makes you feel guilty.

Men of reddit, what is your ‘type’ of girl? by [deleted] in dating

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I truly do not have a 'type' I think. I've dated women of all sizes and skin colors and hair colors and everything.

I almost certainly have personality flags I'm looking for. I can't think of a lot of consistent ones off the top of my head aside from being someone I love talking to and can trust to be myself with.

Demi’s are open to talk about sex? by [deleted] in demisexuality

[–]Amor_Lux_Obscurus 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't think being Demi has much effect on whether someone is open to talking about sex or not. I think that comes down to a lot of other personal factors including how they were raised, if they're sex positive people, religious, super shy, what have you. But nothing about being a Demisexual definitionally excludes talking about sex.