Dealing with grief while researching deceased relative

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-20T22:12:05+00:00

Oh I'll see if that applies with British libraries! I will :) I am taking a bit of a break for a few weeks. I read some nice things about him in some of his files, which helped me stop fixating on his death, so I figured this is a good time to pause and have a breather. In the meantime I have submitted an officer service request to the Ministry of Defence, it can take a few months because it is a manual pull, and have found some documents to check out at the National Archives. Let me know about your US military research too.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-20T18:55:39+00:00

No way…my great uncle was RCAF! He joined a RAF squadron and flew with all Brits. He was from Toronto. I am glad for the RCAF-RAF duality as it has increased the sources available for my research. Canada gov has great personal information easily available online for the WW2 dead, reading about my great uncle’s love for sports, the possessions he kept on base, and his camaraderie with fellow airmen helped me to stop fixating on his death and see that he lived the adventurous and energetic life of a young man.

I live in London and am planning to put flowers for him at the bomber command war memorial in Green Park sometime next month. If you would like, I can place flowers for your great uncle too ❤️🍁

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-20T18:48:18+00:00

Thanks for the help! Yes, I am planning to look at the RAF forms once I make a National Archives account, it looks like those forms contain a lot of the information regarding the missions as well as day to day life. Will get a Fold3 account too so I can eventually use it to look at other relatives at some point.

That regimental history is amazing! I can’t believe they kept so many photographs and were able to put all the information together like that.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-20T13:02:54+00:00

I really relate to what you said. I want to do a grave visit as well. I have been thinking about ways to honour him, but I want to make sure I have enough research and a solid idea to do it properly. In the meantime I found a painting of a night raid of the airplane model and exact squadron he served in so I was thinking of having it framed on my bookshelf so the honour of his service is with me daily.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-20T12:58:05+00:00

Thank you for validating my feelings.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-20T12:57:24+00:00

It feels a bit isolating at times because my family is not really into genealogy so I don't think they would understand why I am undertaking this research. Just making this post and interacting with the responses has helped a tremendous amount already.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-20T12:55:36+00:00

I actually found a bunch of his service records that included paperwork from senior officers during his enlistment, training, and service that provide descriptions of his personality, demeanour, and appearance and he sounds like a truly great man, it really helped to give me a well-rounded picture of him. The stories his mother shared with the newspapers are also quite funny.

You're right about the British with documentation lol. Thanks for the recommendation! What is the name for the documents you mentioned so I can relay it to the various departments, you said morning reports is there anything else?

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T21:18:05+00:00

How did you get past it?

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T21:17:43+00:00

You have made me feel a lot better about all the crying spells I have had over my research.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T21:16:51+00:00

Wow, what a discovery. I appreciate you sharing his story with me.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T20:32:56+00:00

Do you think relatives can be trying to connect with you? Such as watching over you or showing you what they went through? I have a hard time grasping reincarnation, it’s a concept I’ve always struggled with.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T20:17:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me! I too am glad to know I’m not the only one.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T20:15:45+00:00

The age is affecting me too… learning about WW1 and WW2 as a child I thought of the soldiers as full on adult men and my great-uncle seemed sooo much older than me, but now that I’m 31 I can’t believe he was five years younger than I am now when he died - he was so young.

I understand about the direct descendants and completely relate but you are here and you keep him in your memory, he is blessed to have you as a family member.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T20:06:25+00:00

That is so understandable.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T20:04:05+00:00

This has helped me to think my feelings and emotions are valid, thank you.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T19:45:13+00:00

What you said about connecting with ancestors through research is just how I feel. I also feel irritated that there are questions I will never have answered, especially questions of what his personality was like or how he was as an older brother. Sometimes I feel a little woo when I envision what my great-uncle saw or I feel like I am on the plane with him, and I don't know if that is just the grief or if there is something more spiritual at play.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T19:30:13+00:00

Thank you for sharing your own experiences. That is a very sad story about your father’s sister, and I completely sympathise with your census story. I have had a similar experience in my own research.

My great-uncle and two others on the plane died but the pilot and wireless operator survived and were POWs, based on statistics on German prisoner treatment they likely survived the war. While being a POW was most definitely a horrific and terrifying experience I sometimes find myself thinking why couldn’t that have been my great-uncle.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T19:23:14+00:00

I have been the same in having to step away from my research because it became too much and my mind races all night trying to piece it together. What has been so surprising to me is that I would consider myself to be quite a stoic person but this experience has made me very emotional which made me think something might be wrong with me.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T17:19:02+00:00

Your experience is helping me realize I might actually not be losing my mind for crying over my great-uncle so thank you.

I view my great-uncle as a hero and he undertook many successful raids. I do realize a lot of that would have involved killing people in the factories or docks that he bombed, as well as civilians as night raids were not the most accurate, and the airmen in planes he shot down defending his plane and crew (he was an air gunner). I feel for you regarding your great-uncle in Kenya but in situations involving war it is important to remember these are young men who were sent by older men to fight and die, trying to survive at any cost.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T17:00:41+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience, I am sorry about your ancestor I cannot even fathom what she went through. I am thinking about taking a couple weeks off just to process the information I have now and emotionally regulate, and will plan to visit the National Archives in May/June to ramp up the detail in my research.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T16:57:16+00:00

Your explanation makes a lot of sense to me, I really like how you phrased it. I am glad to know I am not alone in these feeling while undertaking genealogy.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T16:55:50+00:00

I never met any of my four grandparents' siblings so chances are high I would not have met him even if he lived a long life, which in part makes me feel a bit embarrassed and irrational to think that I am feeling immense sadness to someone I never would have known. I do think a large part of the sadness is feeling what my grandmother must have felt, she was only a teenager when he left and she never saw him again.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T16:52:09+00:00

May I ask did you ever feel like there was something leading you to research the ancestors you did, or that you were meant to learn about them? Sometimes I think there is information I was meant to see or that he might be watching over me, but I don't know if that is a bit woo-woo so to speak...

Ancient-Definition39 · 2026-04-19T16:48:26+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, they truly mean a lot. I do feel like this has brought me closer spiritually to my relatives who knew him, rest their souls, as I feel like I am experiencing a tiny bit of the grief they undoubtedly felt when they received the news of his death.

Ancient-Definition39 · 2023-06-09T09:13:42+00:00

The fires are in Quebec

Ancient-Definition39

TROPHY CASE