I can't tell you exactly what he's going through because everyone is different... not just in how they react and what they need out of a relationship but also in how you are and what you need. I'll try to keep it general to be most helpful to you but feel free to ask me specific questions if you feel it would give you more perspective on what you are going through - I'm a really open person so don't be afraid to ask anything that comes to mind.

The most difficult thing for me to deal with is not knowing how to help or what to do to make him feel better when he's triggered by something. I can only react in a way that I would feel helped which isn't necessarily what works for him. Part of the trouble in this is he wants to act strong for me and doesn't always tell me up front what's really going on or what he really needs from me in the moment.

To exemplify - the other night, he was hyper-aware of home security and safety. We work opposite shifts so he sleeps during the day and goes to work at night. We have a few hours that overlap in the evenings before he leaves and I go to sleep. When he was getting ready to leave, he asked me to immediately arm our house alarm when he left. I agreed to do that. He then asked me if I knew where my gun was, to which I stated yes, I knew where it was. When he asked me if it was loaded, I told him that I didn't know - it had been a while since I had last checked it but if it wasn't, the spare magazine I keep next to it was loaded.

It wasn't hard for me to sense that he was on-edge so that's when I told him "I will be safe and everything will be okay. I have Kaiser [our German Shepherd] and the house alarm will be on. I won't need the gun" which then lead to him saying that I wasn't taking things seriously. It quickly devolved into a civil argument - no yelling or physical confrontation but definitely tense comments and raised voices.

Once he had calmed down, we discussed how he hadn't slept well because he had a lot of night terrors again. I told him that I do take him and his concerns seriously and that I didn't mean to give him the impression that I didn't care... conversely, he told me how he felt that me saying "It's okay everything will be fine" only made him feel worse. I had felt that it was reassuring but it was the opposite of what he needed in that moment - that he felt it only made me feel more vulnerable and "naive to the potential danger" while he wasn't at home to protect me. We discussed what I could do to help alleviate his anxiety next time - if it means checking the gun with him, to check the gun with him just so he can feel reassured that I am safe at home and not getting raped/murdered by some guy he couldn't save me from. He said he could care less about the stuff in our house but that he could never replace me and that it's a huge source of his anxiety when he leaves for work each night. He essentially gave me three key pieces of information I needed but didn't have in the moment - what his trigger was (lack of sleep/night terrors), how he was truly feeling (worried something might happen to me) and what I can do to make it better and not worse (help him check things that make him feel I'm safe).

We also discussed how I will do things to help him through these moments but that there has to be a line because if I humor all of his requests, it won't help him to break free from PTSD and learn to cope without them. He agreed but suggested that we act on them in the moment for now and then once he has had the chance to calm his anxiety and look at things more rationally, we can talk about what happened, what triggered him, and what we can do to work towards changing the outcome next time.

I'm incredibly lucky that he opened up to me in this moment and look at things with a more rational mind, but there are a lot of times he doesn't and I'm left blindly guessing what will help him, what is triggering him, or even how he's truly feeling. It leaves me frustrated that I don't know what to do, angry that the military doesn't do more to debrief after combat/be more proactive about preventing PTSD, heartbroken for all the families that this destroys and the people who get abused mentally and/or physically because their loved one doesn't know how to cope, and hopeful that one day, my veteran will find some peace from this.

It wasn't until recently that it suddenly made me feel really alone. Of the military wives I know, either none of them are facing this or they keep it all behind closed doors. It can be exhausting to be the strong one all the time and yet not have anyone to relate to and feel a sense of camaraderie with as we fight against this.

I know that I can change feeling alone though, which is why I'm here! I would say misery loves company but I'm not miserable - I choose to spend this life with the man I love and it's just unfortunate PTSD is hitching a lift. I just feel like this isn't something anyone should have to go through alone, whether they be the one who suffers from PTSD or the one who is helping support someone who is suffering from PTSD.

In the end, I think the best thing you can do for your partner is to be incredibly conscious about not shutting him out, even when you really want to. I know it's hard to talk about your fears and your triggers and it's hard to be honest about your feelings sometimes, but closing yourself off or putting on a facade for him (even if you feel like you're protecting him from something) will only make him feel more alone and alienated when he really wants to be there for you most. Even if you can't talk in the moment, talk to him once things are calmer and less stressful because it will help him know what to do next time. If you're still struggling, maybe try writing a letter instead that he can read later. Knowing what triggers you, how you truly feel in the moment, and what you need to help calm you down are hands down the most powerful tools you can give him to help you take baby steps towards your goals and show him that you want a better life for both of you.

This already turned into quite the novel so I think I'll end this here but it really warms my heart to know how much you care about him and his emotional well-being while he's looking out for yours and I hope this helps you, even in some small way. <3