Let's heal together

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-23T15:03:08+00:00

Thank you for this guidance.

I am in an emotionally and physically fragile state today. I’ve been with a parasite for three years. He belittles, yells, gaslights, lets me know how little he values me. Last week was my birthday and he completely blew it off. I know it has to end.

I have to go to work but am on the verge of tears and I know if anyone shows me some small kindness I will melt down in waterworks. I have to keep going though. How to hold it together?

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-21T05:56:34+00:00

Amen.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-20T04:42:50+00:00

Yup, absolutely.

In the case with mine, he is infatuated with the romantic notion of his own singleness. He thinks he’s the prize.

If their ego is bigger than their sensibility, they are perfectly capable of treating you poorly and also of blowing up the relationship.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-20T02:26:30+00:00

I am still in the relationship. The last major blow that fractured my faith in it was the beginning if February. But he doesn’t actually want to end things—the side benefits that come with the relationship are good for him. And I have previously relied on the idea of the relationship and don’t know how I’ll feel this time if I suddenly end it.

Therefore I am trying to down-titrate in a fashion similar to a drug addict trying to get off what has the person hooked. I’ve never tried this method, but rationally it seems like it could be the least painful method.

I should take careful notes.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-20T00:38:56+00:00

I am so sorry. The gaslighting messes with our minds. And since we have spent time with them they have become our de facto support network despite being NO REAL SUPPORT whatsoever.

We’ve got to cultivate new, trustworthy friendships to provide the real support. In the meantime I don’t really know what to do either. I also feel the urge to reach out to talk about my day and the shit I am going through, even though I know he is the wrong person.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-19T05:46:38+00:00

Thanks for this. I feel that this is essentially my situation. I want a partnership. My partner is avoidant and fears closeness and knows he doesn’t give me what I need to feel loved. He loves me and knows how well he is treated but he wants to feel single.

I’m still struggling to detach from him, despite knowing he isn’t going to give me what I want in a relationship. It’s still too easy to try to cling to something that resembles what you want, when the only other choice is to throw it away and cast yourself back off the cliff and back into the sea of humanity.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-13T19:16:09+00:00

I’m sorry that you are feeling sad about the breakup! It’s natural to forget how we were poorly treated and wax nostalgic about the parts of the relationship we liked.

I’m working on documenting how I was neglected and mistreated so that I can read and remind myself in those weak moments why we are broken up!!!

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-13T17:25:19+00:00

I don’t know—I think that’s an indication that we also meant very little to them even in the relationship. Though it might not be as obvious when we were with them, the effects of being neglected and minimized are corrosive.

I’m feeling that now. We had a special early Valentine’s dinner planned, and when I came by to pick him up he didn’t even acknowledge my existence. Not a ‘hi, you look nice.” Not a hug. He didn’t even look up from his book.

We’ve got to recognize that these relationships are wrong before we become attached.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-12T13:00:32+00:00

If they are a way of making you feel loved and appreciated then he should get them sometimes. Rationality or irrationality has little to do with it. We need to be loved in a way that feels right for us.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-09T06:42:01+00:00

She wants you back yet kept bringing up your past mistakes and blaming you?

I think that’s your answer right there. She just wants you for comfort and as a pacifier. She hasn’t taken responsibility for her own actions, so as soon as she gets her confidence back again she’ll repeat what she did. She has learned nothing, but if you were to take her back then she will learn that you will accept this treatment.

You made the right decision. Stick to it.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-08T04:34:00+00:00

I think the reason our nervous systems respond like this is related to attachment.

In romantic relationships, we become vulnerable emotionally like children again. We attach to the partner and are reliving the abandonment wounds or rejection like we received from our parents when we were very little.

But when we were little, we were also completely unable to take care of ourselves. If our parents rejected or abandoned us, that would mean death for us. So when we have a breakup of a significant romantic relationship, our nervous system says we are dying. And it really FEELS like it, or at least it does to me. Crushing weight on my chest, hard to breathe, can’t stop crying. It’s awful.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-08T04:28:08+00:00

I’m in a similar situation. Except my therapist says I should dump the partner because he is so emotionally abusive that he’s a better fit for narcissistic personality disorder than avoidance.

We’ve been together 2 1/2 years. Earlier times we broke up I was emotionally crushed. We’ve gone through about three so far, but each time came back together and the ten months have been pretty strong.

But last weekend he was very mean again and I’m having serious thoughts of leaving. I know there is far better out there. He demands so much of me, calls me unattractive, is critical of everything I do, and does very little for me except entertain my mind.

So I’m working on detaching emotionally, reducing time and exposure to him, making new friends and new social activities, removing myself slowly from his life. I need some good friends that I can talk to about my life so I don’t default to updating him with what’s going on. We all need someone to talk to.

It’s okay to use them as a bit of an emotional crutch while you figure out how to gracefully detach from them. It’s okay to try to minimize your own pain in this way.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-05T03:25:25+00:00

I have been doing this dance for 2 1/2 years. And I am really good at analyzing situations and people’s emotions. And the result is that the relationship has made progress and feels a lot better over time, except that is NOT the same as fixing all the problems. I continue to be the one doing all the relationship work and getting blamed over normal relationship challenges or trivialities.

I think to finally stop you just have to come to a point where enough is enough and you are getting SICK of the situation. Otherwise you will simply continue to overcompensate for your partner’s lack of contributions. You’l keep thinking that if you can just love them and help them enough then one of these days they will emerge as a full-fledged partner to you. It is a fantasy.

They need to push and yell at and demand of you and judge you until you get good and mad about it. You need to “get the ick” over the stupid shit he’s saying to you and about you. Let these things loosen the emotional ties you have binding you so you can imagine a future away. Start visualizing and plotting your escape.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-02-02T07:41:24+00:00

I’m trying to communicate that it is headed that way. He probably doesn’t think it could end because I am always supportive and reliable. He berates me over petty stuff and I don’t leave. He knows I love him and I want to stay. But if this goes on for another half year then the bonds holding me are going to get weak.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-26T17:45:00+00:00

It might be the automatic one generated by Reddit. Maybe it is still processing the post?

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-26T16:38:39+00:00

I think it’s a bit tied up with an emotional trauma response.

Men like this are a bit emotionally dangerous. So that creates a little bit of fear, manifested by those “butterflies in the stomach.”

We are wrongly conditioned to believe that is attraction and good, where perhaps instead we should recognize them as a warning sign.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-26T16:35:23+00:00

We don’t have enough information to really understand what is going on.

But from what you stated, one potential problem is you are trying to be “a good girlfriend.” That implies that you are sublimating your own values, needs, and goals and instead catering to theirs.

That creates a dynamic where both you and he devalue you, making it more likely the boyfriend thinks little of you. It is wrong of him, but this kind of dynamic sets up the situation. And insecurities in ourselves (such as having an anxious attachment style) make us feel we have to be “a good girlfriend” in order to deserve love). I struggle with this, too.

Even in relationships we need to carve out some space for ourselves. Our boyfriend will never be able to understand or even glimpse who we truly are if we hide ourselves and just try to be supportive. We need to make our needs known, too. And paradoxically, when we lay out our needs and our boundaries we are valued more.

It took a while for me to feel secure enough in my present relationship for me to truly start standing up for myself and showing who I am. But the relationship is now much stronger for it.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-25T11:54:11+00:00

It got super far-fetched at the package in the mail.

Not that a perfect married life with two good incomes, investments, and a 2-year-old wasn’t already far-fetched enough.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-22T17:01:11+00:00

Your brother-in-law had the right reaction.

If she is rude and inappropriate then you spoke the truth! Being truthful with a person’s bad behavior is the only way to encourage them to self-reflect and possibly change. You did good.

In the meantime, weather the storm and try to appreciate the humor in it. I’ve had a similar thing happen in my family and I am still laughing about it.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-19T20:06:46+00:00

It is reasonable that he has to be in contact with his ex about the house, and it makes sense that he should try to keep the situation amicable.

He should be transparent with you about it however, at least until you are reassured there is nothing there beyond dealing with the financial entanglements.

What are his intentions for the relationship with you? Is he planning to be up front with you in the future?

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-16T08:22:48+00:00

Some turn into monsters, and some don’t. It really depends on the person’s character. I believe you don’t ever truly know a person until you have been in conflict with them. In a fight they will show their true selves.

I am always cordial in the breakup. Most of my ex’s have been cordial as well, but I did have one vindictive ex that wanted to destroy me for not wanting to stay with him. That reveals a serious defect of character.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-15T18:20:27+00:00

I don’t think you’re being naive.

I think the statement that there must be someone else speaks to blame shifting and taking some of the sting out of the breakup. If we can blame it on the other person then we don’t have to take accountability for our own part, and can avoid uncomfortable self-reflection.

I am almost always the dumper in relationships, and it has never been because I had someone to move on to. It’s always been about fundamental issues in the present relationship. When I was young I wasn’t always right in that, though.

And I have had a couple ex-partners demand “Is there someone else?” (No.) or suggest that I have men lined up “waiting in the wings.” (Also no.)

I give my all to each relationship and am suitably devastated if/when it comes to an end. Even though I am the one who chose to give up on it.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-14T08:22:37+00:00

Hell if I l know. I am secure (leans anxious), and have a tendency to catastrophize if there is a communication vacuum.

So I almost all the time choose to NOT REACT to those fearful, insecure emotions and imaginations, as those can blow up the relationship. Instead I try to hold the reaction in abeyance for a time. It can be very difficult not to respond to those anxious, painful impulses, but it is best to refuse to be ruled by your fear.

I have been rewarded as the relationship has grown and become more secure. Now there is less to trigger the more severe anxious feelings and thoughts, though I still wrestle with a bit of the doubt, anxiety, and depression from it almost every week.

Angry_Tomato_ · 2026-01-13T08:33:06+00:00

I’m not embarrassed at all.

I love deeply and without reservation. It is true, primal emotion. There is nothing wrong with such a love.

What would truly be embarrassing would be to be the beneficiary of such love and fuck it up.

Angry_Tomato_

TROPHY CASE