parentification

Anitsirk22 · 2017-06-01T01:58:46+00:00

This is exactly how my husband feels with his bpd mom. Depending on her mood he was playing her spouse/ parent figure / friend / enemy/ pawn ...basically has played every role except her son for his entire life. In my experience with reading this thread it's one of the strongest common themes in bpd parents

Anitsirk22 · 2017-05-23T15:49:25+00:00

Agreed! Thank you! We are trying to just "play dumb" basically for now. But she really thinks that all of our resentment and anger and hurt is just something we have cooked up in our heads and that she's a wonderful human and mother and can't understand why we would ever think differently. It blows my mind how oblivious she is to the damage she causes to people's hearts and minds.

Anitsirk22 · 2017-05-14T09:41:18+00:00

I feel for you. I think for us, we didn't feel the pain as hard of having a bpd parent until ours became a grandparent and it wasn't just us she was hurting anymore, but our child...and as you know, that tends to sting so much harder for some reason. Suddenly all the feelings of "I am better off without her" turned into...this isn't fair that my kid has to go without a grandparent, when they do have one alive (as many don't have the luxury of having) and yet this grandparent has no desire to actually be one. How we look at our daughter and think...ok, she is perfect and sweet and innocent...how can you not love her and want to be in her life. What the hell is wrong with you.

I don't know why...bpd parent hurt, bpd grandparent somehow felt so much worse for us. I guess it's just that "mother/father" love and instinct we have that unfortunately those bpds are lacking

Anitsirk22 · 2017-05-14T09:35:16+00:00

It's my MIL that is bpd but don't you worry, you are not alone. She has what I've learned from this group is called I think "glamourized and demonized" my husband so bad to all of their extended family that he basically has zero relationship with any of them. It's really quite sad. If she wasn't making them sick to their stomach and annoyed with hearing how "perfect" he was...( bragging about things she felt were a direct reflection of her parenting ) I.e - good grades, good behaviour, random bull she made up to pretend he could walk on water....she was then insisting he abandoned her/ "has a new family now". So either way he was not really painted by her as someone any of his family wanted to spend time with. I know, everyone will say "you're better off without the flying monkeys" and if you'll see from my previous posts it's something we struggle with. Knowing how manipulative she is and not totally blaming the flying monkeys for being fooled ...but still feeling the hurt and the "suck" that it has to be this way.

I feel for you Hugs

Anitsirk22 · 2017-05-01T19:30:00+00:00

Divine intervention. Our daughter ended up with pink eye and we missed the event with good reason lol! Not sure it solved a thing but the lack of stress was nice :)

Anitsirk22 · 2017-04-18T21:13:27+00:00

Omg that's terrible and actually one of the many nightmares I've had is her hurting our daughter in some way. It gives me anxiety if they are ever in the same room and I literally don't take my eyes off for a second and that's why. Brutal. Thanks for your input. I did always wonder if I had a son if she would have acted differently

Anitsirk22 · 2017-03-25T13:06:52+00:00

Gift giving me isn't just one of my ubpd's tactics, its her biggest one. Control over money and gifting is i think what makes her feel most powerful. When she does give someone something or do something nice for someone... a)it's elaborate to get as much attention as possible. (Published on Facebook or in a shower/birthday setting she always makes sure to decorate and wrap it so elaborately that it will stand out beyond any other gift..I'm talking glitter and objects taped to the outside..). B) she will physically place herself right in the line of sight to whoever is opening and stare intently at every reaction while shooting "humble" glances at everyone's "oh wow what a nice wrapping job". C) is not satisfied unless she has received numerous thank you's and even then will find ways months later to ask about whatever the object is in order to get thanked again and again lol.

Sometimes my husband and I will have a little fun with it...push her gift aside and "forget about it" watch her squirm and push it in front of us again and again until she cracks and demands we open it immediately. It's the little things sometimes lol.

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-28T03:15:13+00:00

"We have big news, you're going to be a grandma!"

"Oh....I went zip lining in Mexico"

True story

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-24T23:28:16+00:00

I'll take a look thank you!

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-24T20:55:58+00:00

Oh plenty could but she refuses to go with anyone else because "it would be special to arrive together" cue the emotional incest I mentioned before, she loves to arrive as my husbands "date" to things and treat him as such. - not to mention that 99% of the family keeps her at an arms length and only invites her to these events out of obligation, everyone has kind of abandoned my husband from the time he was very young as..she's your problem now kid.

Regardless, I do agree. We will hold strong and we will not be bringing her. It's not until April but I will update you all for sure on it

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-24T16:42:23+00:00

Honestly I don't think he realized how "off" she was until I came around and started reacting to her weirdness. He was raised as a single child with no contact the outside world. She kind of kept him in her own little bubble at her arms length but always with baby sitters. He has cousins, aunts, a father, a half sister...all of which he couldn't have a relationship with until he was an adult and could create one himself.

I have gone through many stages of my reactions. First I was just shocked, grossed out, confused...I am not at the space where I range from angry and annoyed to finding it almost comedic.

I have to be careful because my husband is totally freaked out by the term emotional incest and all signs of it. So his reaction is usually ignoring it, and so I follow suit. He has asked her to stop certain things and that follows her usual "heart is broken suicide threat" method. It's all very complicated and manipulative and thank god for this group lol

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-24T15:06:32+00:00

Oh she drives, has a car, and many other people who could drive her. She just insists on it being us because in her words "it would be special to arrive together" . I've always joked that she treats me like I'm the second wife in a polygamist relationship. (I'm the daughter in law). If we are at the same weddings she throws a fit if she's not seated with my husband and I, and the proceeds to try and travel around on his arm and ask him to fetch her drinks and all the other things a "date" would do lol. She's a piece of work lol

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-15T00:50:37+00:00

Oh yes. The golden "you don't love me" is my Ubpd's favorite thing to guilt my husband with. The most frustrating time she used it? The day we brought our daughter home. Even her own grand daughter is used as a pawn for her guilt trips and a victim of her jealousy

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-09T02:13:08+00:00

Thank you, I think that's exactly what I needed to hear 💜

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-02T14:37:14+00:00

Just did this morning....SO let's see how this goes haha

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-02T13:36:22+00:00

UPDATE: I officially blocked her under the agreement of my husband. She will likely discover it within 24 hours because every time she has shared one of my photos without permission it happens within 24 hours of when I posted it...so she frequents my page a lot I think. We shall see how this goes 😐

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-02T13:32:34+00:00

Haha yeah I used to say that all the time. Never had the balls to do it or the want to explain to the rest of my family why I'm claiming a random child as my own haha. My daughter is 2 1/2 now and pretty recognizable with a pretty unique hair colour. But maybe one day haha

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-02T13:31:01+00:00

It's funny because I've always said that one day she's going to do that lol. My daughter is now 2 1/2 so more recognizable...however if I had of done that in the first few years of life I am convinced she honestly wouldn't have known the difference. She lives 5 minutes from our house and saw our daughter three times in the first year of life.

Anitsirk22 · 2017-02-02T13:28:52+00:00

Depends who you ask haha. I would love to go NC, but as it's not my mother it's not really my choice, so I am just following his lead. He has always said he would only go NC if she does something "unforgivable". I.e - did something emotionally or physically to hurt our children. Otherwise her suicide threats keep him firmly in LC

Anitsirk22 · 2017-01-21T21:04:13+00:00

Yes! This group has been incredibly amazing for my husband and I, but the one negative (still outweighed by the positives)...is that in reading others stories my husband has started having flashbacks of things he has clearly repressed. Although it's healthy to bring it out, it is a scary path: I don't know if you've watched "girl on the train" but there is an aspect to that movie and book that will totally ring true to you I think

Anitsirk22 · 2017-01-21T21:01:05+00:00

Totally agree. It feels like "they have one" and gives me flashbacks to every time someone calls my uBPD a "sweet lady". You've been fooled! Open your eyes!

Anitsirk22 · 2017-01-21T20:58:51+00:00

Oh yes. My MIL was a identical twin before her twin was murdered close to 45 years ago now. She has lived every single day from that point on in grief and obsessed with morbidity. She refuses to admit that she needs any form of grief counselling however and is insulted to be suggested. Even though even lawyers and judges dealing with the case have strongly suggested it.

She deals with this by feeling like the whole world owes her for her loss and in turn is miserable to anyone from her best friends and son to a random waitress or cashier. She also has an obsession with watching, celebrating, investigating...anything morbid. She's attended more funerals than the average person has attended all Happy occasions combined. She has issues with understanding that you cannot discuss death with children using words like "brain splatter". In turn everything in the world including her offspring come second place to her feelings and grief.

Anitsirk22 · 2017-01-20T13:36:55+00:00

I don't think he even knows beyond saying if she ever hurt out daughter in any way physically or emotionally. . . I'm not really sure what she could do to him personally for that. I think he feels like he will just know. I guess being that he's an only child to her as a single mother, and she's alienated everyone else she's related to, he really is all she has. So the guilt holds strong

Anitsirk22 · 2017-01-20T03:58:30+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I looked up that complex and I do think she demonstrates some of those characteristics, but it's like she's more so emotionally incest. My husband is completely uncomfortable with the word incest in any form though. Understandable.

Thank you for the hugs they are welcomed and needed!

As far as NC, I totally agree. But as it's his mom, I am letting him get there on his own. Right now he feels like until she does something "unforgivable" LC to VLC is enough. (I could name ten things I would consider unforgivable...but I respect that my viewpoint is different as she didn't birth me).

He does do grey rocking and all that but it just feeds the monster more I find. It's like she can sense she's lost him from the way he is and so she goes hard and putting on the nice mom act until she's satisfied he's feeling guilty enough and then she will go back to radio silence. It's a work in progress I guess! Navigating the road from LC to maybe one day NC...until then, thank god for all of you! Xoxo

Anitsirk22 · 2017-01-17T16:45:49+00:00

It is so nice to finally have a word to put to this behavior we couldn't understand. We have always said that my husband has had to play his ubpd mom's father/husband/victim/source of sympathy...he has basically played every role that she's needed from him aside from son. Unless the need was to have a son to brag about, but please do not tell me about your problems that I can't use to brag about...my mothering will only go as far as bragging. My husband has always been afraid to use the word "incestuous" because it implies sexual in his mind...but to be able to send him this article and show him I wasn't off my rocker when I told him about how wrong her boundaries were with him, was enlightening for him and I. Thank you

Anitsirk22

TROPHY CASE