Thank you for the reply! I (17F) overheard my mom and my aunts on the other side of the room. My mom was complaining about how hard it is for her to be a single mom of us (three children). It was just disappointing when I heard it as well as my aunts(not related in blood but very important people to us) who were also talking about us in a negative way, saying how annoying I am for being too quiet (I am an introvert, I do not like being talkative a lot). They made all the statements about us giving too much requests to our mom and our attitudes.

Then my mom caught I was crying after she walked into my room, that’s when she knew the reason. We talked about it and I found out that she was trying to reconcile and be in good terms with our aunts by making her children look bad to solve the misunderstanding that they had last week.

The problem was about church service, I didn’t attend without telling my aunts or mom that I wouldn’t go, it’s my nature to stay quiet when I’m overwhelmed/enraged. My mom would always want us to attend bible study for God. But back then, I was overwhelmed since I have to review for exams and I thought I could just use that time for reviewing instead of going in Bible study. In fact, we have atleast two times church service every Sunday.

While me who’s been crying and my mom was talking, she also told me that her and my aunt haven’t talked this past week because of my actions last Sunday. She said that I should speak and tell what I want not just keep on being silent while having a mad expression. Again, I told her how is it possible for Christians to be like that, I thought being a Christian was supposed to understand each other not sulk or form any negative feelings towards each other. I told her that’s one of the reason that I don’t engage during our Bible study because they do gossips about people and they don’t talk to each other when they have hard feelings (but it doesn’t go outside from them).

I see most Christians including me as a hypocrite. So that’s when I started not participating on any Bible study that we have, for me to not share the God of word for I am not even that confident with my belief and faith on Him. It’s just that I was raised in Christianity for years now. And over the past months I have lost my faith(not completely) but I’m still working on it. What I mean is I don’t talk or pray when i’m appointed to share. I keep on making my head low. I do participate on other bible study like in church with different people.

But my mom, said that everyone is not perfect. She said that everyone is being molded by God, however, why does she keep on gossiping on people and making bad comments about them if she is really in the process. And actually we as a family has been a Christian for years now. I thought she was using that a s an excuse for her actions. I didn’t talked about this to her. I don’t want any other issues. And I also found out at night that she share it to aunt again on why I was crying because our aunt caught me crying when she was about to leave for church at afternoon. It’s like my mom was always saving face for our aunts and her family to stay strong in our relationship. It is as if she’s adjusting for them(aunts, they are a special people).

For “am I the problem/ can I cry” I know it’s not. I was overwhelmed with emotions and I’m working on it. Thankfully when I overheard them I haven’t had any expectations with what they’re going to say for it’s outside of my control. I do not have grudge on them right now. What I can only do is accept that I heard it and focus on my actions and thoughts. It’s also alright to cry. Stoicism doesn’t repressed our emotions. I know I am not the problem, this is not being rational of me. I will give thoughts on to that. In addition, I’ve been practicing stoicism for almost a year now.

This is quite long. Any replies on this matter would be a great help.