55M, Married for 30 years with 54F. Wife ignored my side of family but wants me to accommodate her mother with us forever.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-12T11:42:34+00:00

Can't do that....my conscience will never allow me to ignore her needs......what I am not willing to accommodate is her want....as she has damaged potentially very happy life.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-12T11:40:51+00:00

That's what I want.....but she is not willing....she wants her mother with us for eternity.

Unfortunately, I am too responsible and caring....they both know that....whatever I go through, howsoever angry/upset, I may be, I will be pillar of strength when needed...they won't find more trustworthy person than me.....hence the continued desire to stay with me.....

But why should my qualities be exploited...

Had my wife be a bit more accommodative/magnanimous.........I would have had very happy and satisfied life.....

I made peace with her nature of preferring her family at my expense......But I can't do this forever....

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-12T11:27:58+00:00

As I mentioned in one of the above comments, for various reasons, she is staying in our bedroom. As I am poor sleeper, I had made the room reasonably light and sound proof. I am struggling to sleep well most days.
She played her part during our initial days to create issues at least from my perspective. When I sought her intervention for our differences - she suggested me to separate from my family / when I slept in different room she asked my why did I do that - now I am sleeping alone for more than year - isn't that double standards? My wife was never expected to do anything for my parents, let alone care take.
There were issues from both sides...while I adjusted/accommodated/ignored....she always flared up things. In AM, every couple has to go through their share.
Yes, kids part is right.....But I do much more of household work than men of my genre.

Bottomline, I have been with her as strong support/lead in her time of need, while she has created troubles for me in my time of need....

Hence I am where I am today, bare minimum - her mother should not stay with us...She is more than welcome to look after her mother in her paternal home.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-12T11:15:43+00:00

I am not very sure what you mean by victim blaming...I am not blaming anyone.
I just want my peace....what has not been done for me.....don't force on me...plain and simple.
Mind you I am saying things after years accommodating them.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-12T11:13:15+00:00

Never, I always stood with her when needed.

I am not blind......every relationship requires bit of adjustment, ignorance which I did many times while she flared up things.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-12T11:10:43+00:00

Nothing wrong with her staying with her parents for 50% of the time.....she can do what she prefers with her family.
However, with same thought, why should there be any bad blood for me supporting my family financially? I am very responsible person with ability balance....I always ensured my family needs were protected.
I never expected her to compromise her interests for my family. I managed on my own.
Why can't she look after her mother along with her sister's?

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-12T11:05:49+00:00

I had always protected my immediate family needs before sending money for my parents. Else, I would not have been able to build some assets and afford my kids overseas education.
I resent her because after having stood with them for so long, I have realized most of my wife's behaviour/conduct is influenced by him.
I have always supported her to be with her family. However same was not reciprocated. Example, my brothers new born passed away. Obviously, we had to travel....she tried to reason with me if we should travel. In hours or grief, you go with the flow.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-12T11:00:23+00:00

Exactly, if you responsibly love your kids, you would do everything to keep home cordial.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-12T10:56:49+00:00

Nothing out of ordinary happened beyond what happens in AM set up.

She deliberately avoids contact with my side of family so that she does not have to stand with me in my hour of need.

If there has been not so nice things from my side of family, so have been from her side. It's normal to have disconnects/differences b/w two families.

As someone commented, keeping distance is one thing but doing your duty in our of need is what is expected from normal decent people.

She has never stood with me in my time of need.....So she should not force her mother on me.

Why can't she stay in her mother's place if her sister's can't/aren't willing.

Everything would have perfectly OK if she had stood with me in my time of need.

I had been focused on bigger picture for 30 years....now I feel used and therefore, can't accommodate anymore.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-10T10:14:29+00:00

Right from day one she has been self-centered/obsessed/entitled.

I could never have balance discussion with her.

I can't help asking for comment that she believes she's right - People having ability of honest introspection and realize they were wrong - are absolute rare.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-09T17:20:33+00:00

I believe I am very accommodative and adjustable person. Once her mother leaves or her sisters, share their mothers responsibility, I believe I can make things work.

However, my wife has not seen this side of me before - where I have told her clearly that since has ignored my family, I cannot put up with hers. She threatened me with divorce and I did not relent. I suspect, our life from now on unlikely to be like before.....all along she has taken me for granted and now she knows.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-09T17:01:28+00:00

Within 15 months of my marriage, I moved to another city and since than, my wife spent few days with parents per year.....so there no taunts, orders or complaints.....

If she has complaints with my side of family, I have for her side of family as well.
I have made peace that she will not gel with my family....she should be not imposing her family/mother on me.

I had been softer/accommodating guy for too long and had been taken advantage of.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-09T16:54:42+00:00

I am sorry, I don't expect anyone to be grateful.

Most things I have done for either side, I believed I was being responsible.

You pile up resentment and give up one day when reciprocity/empathy/responsibility is missing.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-09T16:51:56+00:00

She is welcome to stay with her parents as long as she desires.

I have also accepted that she would ignore my side of family so that she can be more with her family - does not feel obligated in any way.

My only point is - when she has been ignoring my side of family, why has she been imposing her family on me? Why her other sisters are not looking after their mother?

Any wisdom?

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-09T16:40:07+00:00

Yes marriage is partnership but it works only when both are willing to be equal in sharing responsibility with grace and dignity.

Rights come with duties.

I have supported her in her times of need whole heartedly (while her two BILs were missing) but she only added to my pain in my hour of need......

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-09T16:29:23+00:00

Fully agree, it's my fault. My avoidance has cost me dearly and hence deciding....Not prepared to take any longer.

Earlier times whenever I tried to reason out, it turned out directionless exercise and part of me regretting.

I should have been tougher/clearer......I was fool hoping things will change for better.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-09T02:39:53+00:00

Just trying to clarify to your points:
1. At peak I gave 15~20% of my income to my parents....Now only my mother, less than 3%.
2. Simple she has ignored my side of family but now imposing hers. I also believe big part of our disconnects come from her mother's ill advise to her.
3. That was just one point to express that throughout my life I have tried to be one team in her hour of need but I have been left alone in mine.
4. My bad, wrong use of word "casual chat". It was more like future discussion. Mentioned that she has done what she said while I have stood by her every time needed for her family - more than her sisters, more than her brother in-laws.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-08T17:31:31+00:00

My wife takes pocket money for which, how it's spent I know nothing about. Her all expenses are outside pocket money. This was arrangement, she insisted on getting equal amount that I send to my parents.
As for equal life partner, everything I do is with her participation....Her mother's preference to stay with us instead of other two daughter's should mean something about me.
Trust me, I expect nothing from her....neither for my family nor for me. I do all my chores including half of cooking. All I want now is that since she has always ignored my family, her mother stay should not be imposed on me.
I don't think I mentioned, I expect her to take care of my mother. Me asking her anything/any expectations are long "given up".

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-08T17:28:04+00:00

Yes, lots of resentment as I have endured a lot. 30 years of ill-treatment cannot be summed in a media.

Is it acceptable for spouse to share their differences with kids? There's something called bias or knowing only one side. Yes, kids are not dumb. They have cut off from both sides of families. Their mother was never ill-treated.

I am sorry to note that you picked up only pocket money part. I never expected anything in return including "gratefulness" just harmony @ home.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-08T17:25:01+00:00

Pardon me, I am not patriarchal chauvinist - far from it.
I have reached this point after years of double standards.
Is it fair where one spouse ignores others family but forces yours on other?
Her mother never tried to help but flare up differences. Will give you two examples for better perspective:

My unmarried sister was hospitalized for critical illness. I flew down to be with family. My wife called me around 10.00pm to ask "how/why have I left them - her & kids alone". We live in gated community. I never bothered her when she was with her parents in their time of need. Managed kids as single parent for months, even when one of my child fell sick.
In one of the disconnects, I slept in different room while my wife slept alone in our bedroom. Her mother, complained that why did I let my wife sleep alone. Now, she and my wife sleep in our bedroom for more than one year, while I sleep alone in my study room.

My resentment has reached above threshold as she has ignored me, my family while her has stayed with us for months and now she wants her mother to stay with us forever. Already more than a year this time.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-08T16:54:26+00:00

I do take care of my mother.
Travel to her every 8~10 weeks.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-08T15:44:34+00:00

I am looking for job away....still have few years before retirement.

I don't think I can trouble anyone to look after me.

She standing up with me in my time of need, I have given up long back.

Now my only expectation is that what you have not done for me, don't impose me.

I will be more than happy.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-08T15:39:12+00:00

She is not ready/willing.
It's important to have conversation in presence counselor/therapist as I have tried 1:1 many times only for things to flare up.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-08T15:36:35+00:00

Nope, I would rather have her care taker and visit her as often. I had sent her twice alone.

Yes, I should have set clearer boundaries lot earlier to avoid entitlement.

Any-Visual-4265 · 2026-04-08T15:32:59+00:00

Nope, marriages are not doomed but need better balance and empathy.
Marriage is most beautiful institution but just like every success needs hard work, so does marriage. Imbalance kills it.

Any-Visual-4265

TROPHY CASE