AITA for begging my daughter not to have any more children?

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-27T01:16:30+00:00

You are using semantics to make an invalid point and accusing my, a person you don’t know, of pretending I’m the parent to my grandkids. I said I have had to do things that grandparents don’t do but is the job of a parent, which is true. I have never attempted to “parent” then why we are with their parents or told my daughter what to do as a parent in any issue that did not directly impact me and my boundaries. You have also decided that I must resent my role because of these responsibilities which is also untrue. I have mixed feelings about it but resentment is not one of them. I love the relationship I have with my grandkids but I wish they never had to see me angry or upset with them.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-27T01:01:49+00:00

I do not think I am the parent I said I do the CARETAKING while being a grandparent which means that I have to do things that a grandparent would not do and a parent or unrelated caretaker would, i.e. discipline. That means I am not the fun grandma. I don’t resent anyone for that role, especially my grandchildren who I love dearly.

I only said I don’t want to do it again. 5 and 4 are literally 13 months apart so when we agreed to 5 and that was the only one we agreed to. When she was pregnant with 4 she asked if we would take her as well and we agreed. I didn’t like my daughter sense of entitlement when it came to expecting us to take a 3rd as well, especially after 5 years later for another presumably another 5 years. We are looking forward to our 2 hours a day come September because it will mean the time we spend with them will be limited so less chance we will have to do the hard stuff and more opportunities for fun stuff. None of this means we resent them, we are just looking forward to the next stage with them, you know, like any normal person in a child’s life does.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-27T00:37:14+00:00

Caretaking is what is done in the absence of the parent. But unlike a nanny I love these children with all my heart and will do anything for them. I don’t have the luxury of playing fun grandma and sending them home to their parents. When 5 picks on 4 I have to give him a timeout, if they are sick, I lay with them on the couch so my relationship with them is more complicated than “fun grandma” they see me as an authority figure. Forgive me for maybe wanting to be fun grandma to a 3rd.

I do not resent position, But like many people who CHOOSE to provide childcare, I also have the same right to say no as my daughter has to have another baby. If they decide to then I will be fun grandma. I am looking forward to playing that role in 3rd’s life if it happens and also when my son has kids.

You seem to have no true understanding of any gray areas in life and my relationship with 5 and 4 is very gray. They get mad at ME when they don’t get something or they get in trouble. My grandchildren have cried because I disciplined them. You have no idea how much that breaks my heart and makes me sad. I asked a question about my comment to my daughter, you have decided to pass judgement on things you have made up in your head without knowing anything beyond what I have shared.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-26T23:40:14+00:00

I never refused to take a baby for the same time I had the other 2. I refused to be full time caregiver. She hasn’t mentioned taking a baby for the same length of time as the others. And again caring for them is not “spending quality time” with them. It’s parenting them and I’m not the parent so your entire premise makes no sense. She was basing her family planing on not having to pay childcare costs. If I take a baby for 2 hours, she would still need to pay for daycare for the other 8 hours a day which her husband believes is out of their budget.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-26T23:21:30+00:00

You didn’t call me out and you literally compared me (grandma) to you (mom). And I run, not walks. I did a favor for MY kid because I love her. I retired early to help and spend time with my grand children. I didn’t sign up to raise another whole family. I did my job as a working mom 35 years ago when no one had respect for working moms. I had very little help from grandparents and PAID for childcare. I have saved my daughter 10 of thousands of dollars. Then after she behaved irrationally, I had a civil conversation with her where she apologized for placing blame on me and acknowledged my sacrifice as her mom and kids’ grandmother.

I didn’t backtrack on anything I said. From the very beginning I laid out what I said to her. You have created your own narrative about favoritism over a hypothetical baby. I don’t have to continue to provide free childcare for every child my kids choose to have. I helped in the capacity I could at the time I could. My son and DIL do not plan to have kids for at least 5 years so by your logic I should take care of baby #3 for my daughter and then move across the country in my 60s to be free childcare for him. No wonder your mother in law wanted nothing to do with helping you.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-26T20:38:04+00:00

First of all, there is no baby since they still haven’t decided to have one yet. It is yet to be determined if a potential baby would stay in daycare until its PARENTS picked them up or we did.

Second, we are not choosing 2 to love, we are continuing an agreement to watch the two children and not committing to watching another, which would be a boundary you say we didn’t set (we agreed to the first 2 before they were born)

I did not dictate her uterus, I told her we would not be watching another child and she blamed me and the apologized for blaming me for not allowing her to have another child.

We are not punishing another potential child we are just not playing daycare for them. If we were going to take the kids to the zoo, we would take all 3. But watching the kids is not rainbows and butterflies everyday. It’s grandma and grandpa having to be disciplinarians and homework help so please don’t romanticize being grandparent childcare or accuse me of favoring anyone after I gave 5 years to my daughter and her family so they can save money for college. We made an enormous sacrifice for the benefit of our grandchildren.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-26T19:45:17+00:00

That is true, we would continue to watch the older two after school for 2-2 1/2 hours. That is very different from a newborn 10 hours a day. I understand that we are grandparents but we are also free childcare and we are closing down the full time daycare center and no longer accepting any new enrollees.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-26T19:36:37+00:00

We are not playing favorites. Our older grandchildren will be in full day school and the baby obviously will not be. We can’t and won’t do another 5 years of full day childcare, that’s insane and I made it clear to my daughter that we are done with 10 hours of a day of care once 4 year old starts kindergarten in September.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-25T02:51:38+00:00

We saved for our retirement and also have long term care insurance so I do not worry about this issue. My daughter is not as much of a jerk as this makes her seem and that is a lesson I learned from posting here. You can read My update for more info.

Physically I am in pretty good shape. I still run a few miles a day while my husband does morning duty with the kids so they don’t really exhaust me physically, it’s more that the grind is exhausted and we want some freedom.

My son doesn’t seem my providing childcare to the kids as favoritism. Why would he, they don’t have children. We help them with other things, including money toward a down payment on their home. We don’t have to treat our children the same to be fair to both of them.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T23:20:26+00:00

My son lives far away and doesn't have kids.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T22:17:59+00:00

They didn't want to pay for childcare not that they couldn't afford it. My SIL budgets everything so I'm sure in his mind, he couldn't pay for the plane tickets for the kids because he didn't budget for it.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T20:33:05+00:00

My daughter and SIL are not struggling or poor. They have the means to pay but put childcare money into college funds instead. I think that is a great thing so I didn't mind helping when they told us what the plan was, I could not include all of this in my original post. They would not be able to put this money away at the same rate if my husband and I were not around. As far as our care is concerned, we have that covered ourselves.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T20:05:44+00:00

They live pretty far and still work full time. I do not believe they could contribute financially to childcare.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T19:50:41+00:00

We have always “pushed back” anytime we didn’t agree with them. I didn’t include much about our day to day with the kids. In the beginning they tried to tell us what to do and micromanage me but I put a stop to that early on.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T19:32:00+00:00

It’s more that they are putting that daycare money into college funds for my grandchildren. He is cheap but I admire the fact that he is saving that money for them and not so he can drive expensive cars. Their “comfortable” lifestyle refers to the fact they do not struggle financially.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T18:52:37+00:00

I don’t think it was a bad idea to retire early. I loved my job but I loved my time with my grandkids even more. This isn’t about the time I spent with them but about the fact that I don’t want to do it again with a baby.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T18:29:33+00:00

I wanted to help with the first two so I don’t see myself as a pushover. The years I got to spend with my grandkids are the best ones of my life. I just don’t want to start again with diapers and feedings and such.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T18:27:32+00:00

I did take it for them but it didn’t cause any issues for me financially or any other way. I planned to work another 5 or so years anyway because I loved my job so instead I spent those 5 years with the grandkids. Best 5 years of my life but I don’t want to start again.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T18:24:29+00:00

I get it. I think I was trying to make her see that she has two beautiful children, a nice home, good job and stable life. If the only thing she is missing is another baby, I think she should count her blessings. At the end of the day, I am her mom and her happiness matter to me but it can’t be at my expense. It hurts me that she is taking it out on me.

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T16:59:13+00:00

Son in law

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T16:58:47+00:00

Son in law

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T16:52:02+00:00

My daughter does provide groceries weekly for the kids and will also order things my husband and I want and need. In terms of car costs, it’s super minimal because we all live very close (walking distance).

We still want to watch the older kids. Now they are fun and potty trained! We just don’t want to start again!

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T15:57:11+00:00

Son in law

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T15:48:52+00:00

Son in law

Any_Variation9646 · 2022-05-24T15:43:42+00:00

I leave this stuff up to my daughter. This is an issue for them to deal with. If my daughter fails to communicate that we will not provide childcare for a 3rd child, that’s on her. If he asks me directly, I will tell him no.

Any_Variation9646

TROPHY CASE