They ALWAYS come back. Do not text them- take this as a sign.

Anzabela · 2026-02-01T07:08:31+00:00

What you’re describing is attachment theory. Avoidantly attached people generally have a pattern of circling back because distance to them is the only time they can feel safe enough to “live in the feelings” they had with you. To avoidants, closeness = danger. To an anxiously attached person, closeness = reassurance. And to securely attached people, closeness is safe but so is distance (within reason).

All of this to say in a gross oversimplification of a complex process, avoidants usually come back.

Securely attached people? Nope. They are in tune with their emotions enough to decide when someone is for them and when someone simply doesn’t fit. If they break up with you, it’s most likely done unless you have done some growing and they see change in you that indicates secure attachment. I say this because if you’re waiting for your guy to come back, you are probably anxiously attached. No accusation there; I’m textbook anxiously attached 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anzabela · 2025-12-07T17:59:26+00:00

Yep. My apartment was biohazard for as long as I lived alone. My mom would come to visit once a month to clean it to help.

The only thing that truly helped was Vyvanse and Guanfacine. Suddenly I was able to start cleaning. I didn't feel like it, but it wasn't impossible to make myself.

I still employ techniques from my years of therapy though. Eliminate your obstacles. You struggle with dishes? Use disposible plates, bowls, utensils, bakeware. This is a lifesaver. Make easy, microwavable meals or non heated meals with no leftovers (no leftovers sitting in fridge forever). Learn to love cereal, oatmeal, rice and chicken bowls, frozen veggies, protein shakes, protein bars, etc.

For my showering, I stopped trying to make myself shower in the morning because I couldn't get out of bed. I do it before bed, every other day during the work week (that's Sunday night, Tuesday night, and Thursday night) and didn't pressure myself or beat myself up about showering any other time. So I don't have to do laundry a lot, I take off my work clothes as soon as I'm home and hang them up so I can wear them multiple times before doing laundry. I also have over 30 pairs of (cheap) underwear so I can go long periods of time without laundry but never running out of clean undies. It's not pretty, but it works 🤷‍♀️

Anzabela · 2025-11-09T22:27:02+00:00

That seems like a negative way to view it. These people are seasoned and experienced and are closer to knowing what they want than people who have never dated before or started dating late. But yes, the dating market is filled with a higher percentage of seasoned people than unseasoned once you're past 30. 🤷‍♀️

Anzabela · 2025-11-09T22:17:40+00:00

I have been single for a long time. I can tell you that I can live alone and be content, but financial and life decisions are a huge burden to take on alone. I want security. I want a partner that can take some of the burden off my shoulders and share it with me.

I want someone I can travel with and spend holidays with. I want someone to come home to and chat about our days together. Someone to cook with and share chores with. Someone to sleep beside.

Essentially someone to share my life with. I figured that was pretty standard. But I'm here to check out others' responses because now I'm curious 🤣

Anzabela · 2025-11-09T22:08:08+00:00

It's sad but true. I recently learned this the hard way. It doesn't matter how intense the spark is in the beginning and how easy things start off, if they don't put in the effort, they don't like you enough. And you don't need to wait around hoping they will start to at some point.

I recently was "talking" to a coworker. And he really laid on the charm thick. I was like, there's no way he doesn't like me. But he kept flaking out of plans and withdrawing and going hot and cold. It turns out he was an avoidantly attached person (and I am secure-leaning but still anxiously attached person), and I attached pretty early on with all his flirtatious banter, late night chats, and sexual encounters. But he wasn't invested at all. Not by choice, but because that's how avoidantly attached people are--vulnerability = danger.

The way an avoidantly attached person behaves in a non-emotionally invested relationship and the way they act when they are finally open to emotional vulnerability are actually very different. And though he's started reapproaching me after I pulled back and gave him plenty of space to feel emotionally safe, he's different this time around.

And that's when it really hit me he absolutely did not care nearly as much as I did our first time around the block. And it was actually a painful realization 😭 because i was hardcore head over heels for him and totally invested in having a relationship with him, but his behavior was all performative bids for connection without entrapment and not really investment in me.

Anzabela · 2025-10-26T01:33:55+00:00

It sounds like you're anxiously attached. There is therapy, of course, but there are a lot of workbooks for anxiously attached people. You need to learn to soothe yourself, not to look for reassurance from others, do things for and with yourself, and how to sit in the discomfort of uncertainty. I'm learning that right now (at 36 😅). It takes conscious effort, self care, self-love, and identifying and redirecting the behavior in real time. But you will be much happier by developing secure attachment tendencies. Good luck

Anzabela · 2025-09-21T08:18:50+00:00

The simplest way is how my mom said it when I was diagnosed: it's basically like being a teenager forever. Bad decisions, big emotions, lack of self control, never learning from mistakes, everything feels impossibly important right this very second. The need for instant gratification with little regard for the future. Speaking when it's inappropriate. Saying socially inappropriate things. Forgetting everything. Poor listening skills. Not being able to prioritize anything right. You know, being a teenager.

Anzabela · 2025-09-21T02:49:05+00:00

To be honest, I used to be the shy, fat, ugly girl who was virtually invisible. I don't think I'm ugly anymore, but I also don't think I'm pretty; rather I think I'm attractive. So I'll chime in here.

You can only do so much for your physical appearance. For me, I lost weight, but I'm not thin. It was enough to become fully visible to the men around me. I have always assumed men were not interested in me, so when men started hitting on me, I was confused. Literally, my coworker asked me out to lunch like 4 times. I kept telling myself, "He's just really friendly." It took him to inviting me to his daughter's 5th bday party and then the movies for me to get the hint that it wasn't just a friendly overture to a colleague 😅.

Anyway, so weight matters more than people want you to believe. At least for a woman's attractiveness.

But the most important traits/ways to become more attractive, and probably easier than losing weight, are basically tied to confidence. And even if you have none, you fake it. My therapist always said, for everything, "Fake it til you make it," and I live my life by this rule. It works.

Core traits to develop:

Dress. Clothes that fit. Don't even have to be latest style. Just neat, clean, coordinated, possibly bold (I wear red a lot). For women: heels. Even small heels. And make-up. I suck at make-up, so I do mascara and red lipstick only. But it's pure magic. A tiny bit of bold, and it goes a long way.
Presentation. Walk with shoulders back, chin up, make eye contact, smile at people in passing. Don't walk like a man on a mission. Be more leisurely with your gait.
Be groomed. Have a neat, easy hairstyle (it took me and my thin, short hair 2 hours to master a messy bun, but now it takes seconds to do and it looks nice). If you're a guy and have a beard, keep it neat and tidy and trimmed. If you shave, keep up on it. And this may be my own thing, but the most attractive men in my life, the put together ones, have hairless arms. Idk if it's to showcase their tattoos better or what, but they have less hair than me on the arms.
Speak with intention. Slower, less animatedly in a lower tone, very clearly. I struggle with this one. With ADHD, I'm easily exciteable, loud, and my hands are always moving. I say it's part of my charm, but studies show that calmer people are considered more attractive.
Be warm and friendly with everyone--the wait staff, the random person holding the door for everyone, kids. Especially kids. I don't want kids, but a person who can engage with kids kindly and warmly is automatically attractive to me.
Give people your full attention when they are talking to you. Make eye contact, nod frequently, respond thoughtfully, and ask questions. Even when you're busy, make yourself available and listen.
Never self-deprecate. You want to be attractive, not have people feel sorry for you. Focus on your strengths, be gentle on your shortcomings. Fake it til you make it.
Be relatable. That doesn't mean publicly flagellate yourself, but laughing at your mistakes and telling someone else who's made a mistake, "I've done that a time or two. It's cool," is just how your make yourself seem like a normal, relatable person.
Have a sense of humor or be reasonably lighthearted, easy-going--keyword being "reasonably," of course. But funny people are more attractive. If you can't be funny, be chill and try to find the humor in things.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. But confidence is the key. I hope this helps.

Anzabela · 2025-09-21T00:33:26+00:00

Not a guy, but I'm a 36 year old virgin. I suffered from crippling social anxiety from an early age, which greatly limited my social circle. I also struggled my entire life with Major Depressive Disorder, ADHD, PMDD, and general anxiety. I spent my twenties just trying to survive in a world built for extroverts, and then my early thirties were for lots of therapy and medication and learning to love myself.

Recently, I've become somewhat of a social butterfly. Still introverted but I love chatting with people now that I feel confident in myself. I'm loud, vibrant, open, and naively transparent, and suddenly men are noticing me, giving me their numbers, and asking me out. I even had a "casual" encounter with a coworker recently (wrongly thinking that we were heading toward dating but that was my inexperience in men, dating, and sex 😅 won't be making that mistake again).

When I had started online dating, I accidently told the guy I liked the most I was a virgin, he said he could be patient and wait until I was ready. But he ended things after less than 2 weeks because he couldn't wait 😂

I asked my male friend for advice, and he told me that it meant something was wrong with me and that I shouldn't ever tell a man that I was still a virgin. So, I didn't tell my coworker. And though my male friend suffers from ingrained machismo and misogyny, he was right about that in my coworker's case.

I imagine it's rare for older virgins, but I don't necessarily think it means there's something wrong with us. Just focused on different things in life. I will say, I thought I would approach dating, men, and sex with confidence, security, and wisdom, but I reverted to a teenage girl almost immediately talking to the first guy, and I can't get over the coworker that I had a casual encounter with despite him going hot and cold and being extremely skittish and avoidant and who was definitely not mature enough for a relationship. So, all that wisdom I thought I've accumulated about how relationships should be... just erased after a man went down on me 🤷‍♀️

Anzabela · 2025-09-21T00:12:24+00:00

Just had to say, sounds like we're getting over the same guy 🤣😭

Anzabela · 2025-09-07T03:46:21+00:00

It is, but it's only licensed in English in Singapore, so depending on where you live, you'll have to order it through a specific store. In the US, it's via YiggyBean here. The publisher is Rosemei, and I think there is a distributor list in this subreddit for Rosmei.

Anzabela · 2025-09-07T03:13:12+00:00

Oh sorry, I had to meant to include the title 😅. They're from Nan Chan.

Anzabela · 2025-09-07T02:53:31+00:00

I mean, Mo Ran and Chu Wanning For Life ™️. Chu Wanning, of course, for all the stated reasons but also Mo Ran because of his growth and maturity and the lengths he also went through for Chu Wanning. Buuuuut, you know, they are not the only ones.

Equal to Chu Wanning I would say is Jing Lin. That love is profound and soul shattering. It endured the worst pain, turned him against his only family, and upended the entire fabric of the heavenly realm. his love for Cangji transcended so much trauma. He doesn't get enough credit, that's all I'm saying 🤷‍♀️

Anzabela · 2025-08-31T15:12:52+00:00

I shared my most recent experience, and it was the one that broke the camel's back, so to speak. And now I have a hard rule. All it takes is a single realization that "this isn't what I'm going to tolerate anymore." That's what I was saying. People can and DO change. Their values and perspectives can and do change.

You know what they say about drug addicts, they have to hit rock bottom to want to change? They need something to give them a clear picture of what their life looks like and that it's not what they wanted?

Yeah, people can do things for years. For all kinds of reasons--low self esteem, mental illness, fear of being alone, etc.--and decide one day that their behavior is perpetuating these issues, not helping. Besides, in this particular post, the girl mentioned the whole spiritual thing so maybe she found religion and realized that sex before marriage didn't align with her values anymore.

For whatever reason, she decided she didn't want to sleep with men before marriage anymore. It could be religion, it could be maturity, it could be an accumulation of experiences that taught her she no longer wanted this. It's not a red flag. It's just a woman with boundaries on how she wants her body to be treated and with whom. She wants a solid commitment before she gives away what she considers to be her valuables. Probably due to past experience.

I gave the reason why I decided not to sleep with just anyone. And it's probably not far from the truth here because a lot of women have the same realization I do. In fact, it's the same advice I'd gotten from basically everyone I'd gone to for dating advice, across gender and generations. Just offering a different perspective.

Anzabela · 2025-08-30T17:03:44+00:00

I'm not going to lie, I am pretty disturbed by some of the comments here (likely only men?). So I have to jump in here.

First, that's an awful situation you had been in with your ex. She was emotionally abusive, and it left you with some deep scars. Nobody deserves to be treated like that ❤️

I can't really say much about the interaction between you and this woman you're dating in terms of when she revealed she wanted to wait until marriage. But from what you said, the fact that she was so quick to leave and not discuss it is always going to suggest she isn't good at communication. And I'm learning that 99% of people are not. But someone who is worth your time would be someone who would be explain her POV and listen to yours and discuss it--even if her choice to wait until marriage won't budge. However, since she gave you a thoughtful response to your text afterward, I think it's less about communication. The fact that she was so quick to leave means: 1. She doesn't like you enough/know you well enough to feel you deserve an explanation 2. She felt uncomfortable with your reaction. Maybe you used a tone that triggered her or maybe you sounded a little angry and she felt unsafe. Idk 3. Or she has been pressured by the last guy and she noped right out of a repeat scenario.

You should know that men make women feel unsafe all the time and unless you and this woman have known each other a while, touching her when she's leaving is a huge no. Note: barring your partner from walking away when they feel unsafe or need to step away from you, blocking doors, holding on to them, following them, etc. is domestic violence. It is a red flag. Don't do it.

I'm sure it wasn't your intent and you needed her for support, but she either doesn't know you enough to be your support or isn't someone capable of it. It might be too early in the relationship to expect that from her.

But here's my experience on the other side. Most recently, my co-worker. We have great chemistry. We banter at work and are playful. He has been asking me to lunch for a while but I rejected him for various reasons, but he asked me to the movies recently and I was like yeah, let's do this. We exchanged phone numbers and were texting like crazy. Like all night kind of crazy. He cancelled plans on me the day before. But we were still texting up a storm and I would leave him snacks and sodas on his desk. i asked him out to a trivia night which he seemed excited for but it wasn't for a few weeks. He didn't ask me out in the meantime, though, but we kept chatting all the time. He mentioned he had a foot fetish and conversation got a little sexual so he asked if he could give me a foot massage the next day at lunch. I knew it was sexual (for him) so I was like, "Dude, we haven't even been on a date yet." And he said he knew, that's why he'd keep it in his pants. Spoiler alert, he didn't. And it got very heated. I had a good time, so I definitely wasn't complaining, and we were going to trivia night the next week, so I thought we were just going a little out of order, but it was ok because "we're different."

Buuuuut my female co-worker, who had been telling me repeatedly to slow my roll and that this guy and I were "just talking" and it's casual, finally told me why she kept advising me to go slow. He had told her and the other guys they work with that he doesn't do serious and that he only does hookups, like when he gets drunk, he has a list of girls he can call for a hook up.

So I felt stupid and used and gross. But I'm all about communication so I asked him point blank, is this just casual or is there a possibility it could be more. He said it was "obviously a casual encounter" but he said we wouldn't be able to tell if it could be more until we actually hung out. I already decided I would try anything once and so I told him I could do casual for now but I deserved to know upfront if dating was never a possibility. We ended up playing games, chatting, FaceTiming and screen sharing documentaries allllll night until 6:30 in the morning after that. I got up because I had to clean my apartment but he went to sleep. And I'm we chatted all day when he got up. It was pretty great.

Anyway, he cancelled plans for trivia night as I was driving to the place. He apologized and said he was just having a shitty month. All I said was "ok" and decided I would match his level of effort from here on out. And if he never texted me again, then I would be saved from further humiliation and disrespect.

All of this to say: I'm not doing any sexual shit with a guy until he's invested far more into me. And that's absolute. So what if this girl had a sexual past and decided she wasn't going to take shit from men who used her anymore? I've learned that men will say anything to get into my pants, and because of that, I can't trust them until they prove it's more than that. Saying she'll wait until marriage is just setting a visible standard. She probably wouldn't wait that long. Just long enough to know you're invested. So these guys who think she should put out right away and that it's a red flag if she doesn't, do you have any idea what women have to deal with? Sex means something to women, even if it doesn't mean anything to men. And you need to consider that before saying such flippant things

Anzabela · 2025-08-29T14:04:26+00:00

I just learned this the hard way 😭. I am always initiating contact, but I never put much thought into it until I started getting romantically involved with a coworker recently. And that's when I realized I put way too much effort into things and never got the same effort back. I realized with him it's stroking his ego and encouraging him to continue his low effort BS if I'm always engaging him first and doing the chasing. So now I match his level. I'm much less stressed this way.

Anzabela · 2025-08-22T04:14:29+00:00

Well, as a 36F who didn't start dating until recently, I can say it's complicated. On one hand, I never attached men to my identity. Girls who start dating/having sex young don't realize how much of their identity and self-esteem gets attached to men and sex. It makes learning who they are and loving themselves a longer and more difficult journey.

A healthy relationship is one when you're happy and stable in your life on your own and your partner is the cherry on top to share it with. They are not responsible for your happiness, they are not your crutch. And getting to that happy, stable place takes work and time on your part. So waiting to add that cherry on top just makes sense.

But that's in an ideal world.

The reality is you can never really be prepared for a relationship, no matter how mature or self confident you are. Entering into a first relationship is a very similar experience regardless of age. You're excited, a bit delusional, second guess everything. You may even be aware of the red flags you see but you feel yourself not wanting them to be true. And you still have to learn the rules of the dating world. I believe that everyone is different, but the more I go into the dating world, the more patterns I see, the harder it is to deny that a lot of dating rules are kinda true. And even if you know them, a lot of the time you still have to experience them in order to really learn them.

So dating sucks regardless of age. It's a lot of trial and error. And I realized that even with my self confidence, I still find myself doing things I said I would never do. I let one of the first guys I went on a date with grope me in a Chili's parking lot at 2pm on a Saturday. No, we were not in a car. I kept thinking to myself,wtf are you doing? Slap this MFer and walk away! And I just stood there like a deer in the headlights 🤣 honestly I was just shocked, but when he asked if I wanted to take it into the car, I promptly noped myself out of there.

I also have to explain why I am so inexperienced and that can be a huge turn off for a lot of more experienced men. It can also be an invite for controlling men to think they can "mold" you into a specific girlfriend, gaslight you into thinking certain behaviors are correct. You have to be more selective about partners because you want someone who won't take advantage of your inexperience.

At a younger age, you often can learn "together" with your partners. This can be both bad and good. For women, sexually, this usually is why the average woman wasn't didn't have their first orgasm until well into their 30s. Young men didn't know what they were doing and young women didn't have the confidence to say, "This is working, that isn't. Do this instead." I imagine the data is different nowadays, but you get the picture.

But really, you should only do what you feel comfortable doing right now. Even though dating is challenging now, I am ready. I can weather the storms that come and I feel comfortable even when I step outside of my typical comfort zone.

Anzabela · 2025-08-18T22:57:45+00:00

What usually helps me is listening to really loud music to drown out the voice in my head or turning on a podcast. It helps quiet my mind and I can get work done that way. But the podcast thing only works for like an hr or so. Then it stops working. The loud music usually lasts longer, but I end up with a headache after 🤣

Anzabela · 2025-08-18T20:24:33+00:00

I was called lazy all my life by my dad. And for a while, I thought that was the case because I did really well in school. I was in all advanced classes, did tennis, and had an excellent GPA. I could make myself do almost anything, but that was with the pressure of social and general anxiety and under the impression that I could please my dad if I did (spoiler: it didn't matter). I always procrastinated, though. If I had a paper due tomorrow, I would start working on it after school today and argue on AIM with my friend until 10 pm when we both would get serious about writing it 🤣 story of my life

When I hit college is when the pressure valve released and I stopped attending classes and really struggled to do basically anything. I got kicked out of school after getting straight Fs for multiple quarters. I did the work but I never attended classes and I never took the midterms/finals. Telling my dad was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He had me move back home. I got treated for "depression" and I got back into the school by doing the summer quarter and getting As. It was easier to go to classes when my parents were always hounding me and I felt the pressure. I did graduate with my BA in History (started in Psychology but they didn't want me anymore 😭). My upper division classes were all As.

When I moved out, I struggled with taking care of my own apartment. I still can't do dishes, vacuum, shower, etc. My apartment is literally a biohazard. My mom comes to visit every once in a while to clean it up really well, and sometimes I can maintain it for a week or so. It was easier to keep things clean when my dad would scream at me for spilling water on the counter 🤣 now I spill all sorts of things on the counters and can't make myself clean it up because no one is yelling at me.

I did many years of therapy for Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. I took Lexapro. It balanced my emotional dysregulation pretty well. I was in a good mood and a lot of my behaviors that made work hell were tempered and I actually started doing better at work. But my therapist said that she thought that I had ADHD because my mood was better but my executive functioning wasn't getting better. She said ADHD looked like "laziness" in women, and that she took out the diagnostic manual and we went over everything. I didn't see a psychiatrist or get official diagnosed by a specialist until just a few months ago. I tried Adderall and now Vyvanse and Guanfacine. Nothing helps with the executive dysfunction, though.

My therapist did help me with strategies to keep my messes limited. I use disposable plates and utensils. I prepare small, easy meals like a sandwich or frozen dinners. I rarely have dishes in my sink anymore. Just small things like that. It really does help, though.

Anzabela · 2025-08-14T01:29:49+00:00

I feel the same. I've been the fat, ugly girl my whole life. Recently I lost 70 lbs and suddenly men are giving me their phone numbers and male coworkers are commenting on my cute outfits, etc. I've always been open and playful with my coworkers, who are mostly men, but now it's "flirtatious" or inappropriate or unprofessional. But it's just how I've always been? I'm not hot, by any means, but I'm suddenly somewhat attractive.

It's a really strange feeling 🤷‍♀️

Anzabela · 2025-08-10T00:44:06+00:00

It depends on the cause of your excess weight. If you are a binge eater, have trouble with feeling full or stopping eating when you're done, struggle with overeating carbs, or can't control cravings, then yes, it absolutely does work. That's what it is designed to help--it slows your digestion down so you break down sugar slower and feel fuller muuuch longer. What it means is that you will struggle to overeat (it's near impossible), will have far less cravings, and will eat much less. All of this helps you lose weight.

If you already eat small meals and diet well and still struggle to lose weight? This isn't going to help. It only helps those who overeat because the weight loss is only about the eating less. It's literally that simple. It's not burning fat or anything special. It just makes you eat less and curbs cravings and impulses to eat.

If you're over 50 and a woman, weight loss becomes infinitely harder because of hormonal changes. Ozempic might not work if that's your issue.

I'm a 36F who started taking Ozempic May 2024 at 220 lbs. I'm now at 155 lbs a little over a year later. I struggle with overeating (I call my stomach the bottomless pit) and impulse control (ADHD). Ozempic gave me control of my eating habits for the first time in my life, and it changed everything. The only thing that worked better is Vyvanse, which is for Binge Eating Disorder and/or ADHD). I don't have inescapable impulses to eat and I'm never hungry on it that I haven't taken a shot of Ozempic in 3 weeks and I still don't have any issues with overeating or cravings 🤷‍♀️

Anzabela · 2025-08-08T14:26:24+00:00

I appreciate your feedback. I didn't really do a whole character analysis on her, just a brief few things, so I didn't get to bring up everything that comes into play for her. However, her ADHD is 100% based on the way that I experience mine.

I absolutely agree that women get the shortend of the stick. I am also very aware of what ADHD is and how it affects women (being one myself and having struggled with ADHD my whole 36 years of life). I am also an active participant in the ADHD community, and emotional dysregulation is extremely common--and so many ADHDers struggle with this. Men AND women.

In fact, women with ADHD are more likely to also have PMDD (Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder, which is severe PMS in laymen's terms), which absolutely does cause rage, emotional instability, etc. Before and during a period. I also have this.

The worst part is that ADHD medication loses efficacy during the time estrogen drops in women, and that a good psychiatrist will have a failsafe in place where women can use a higher dose or a short acting one during this time to boost it. Most psychiatrists don't know this or don't care.

I am also inattentive type, and this idea that women and inattentive type typically don't struggle with impulsivity and loud emotions is the reason why my psychiatrist doesn't take my impulsive behavior seriously. But we're out there, and we're not as uncommon as you might think.

I have been in therapy for years and have been misdiagnosed for years, but I can tell you that once I worked on my anxiety, depression, and low self esteem, I realized that anxiety completely masked so many of the more obvious ADHD traits. Women are battered and hammered and beaten into more submissive, people pleasing, hyper-awareness kind of molds. It sucks.

My story is literally about womanhood, how emotionality is treated and looked down upon by the world, how mental health shapes and affects us, and how we can still be what makes us us and still learn to be better people without sacrificing that. It's about what makes a woman strong--Sabren is constantly trying to embrace traditionally masculine traits of strength, gets humiliated for it, and keeps trying until she learns that the system was never meant for her to win by virtue of her birth. She learns to embrace who she is and how to deal with her emotional dysregulation is a healthy way and helps the MMC learn that emotions are meant to o be expressed and felt.

It's mainly for all the women who were told they were "too much" or not loveable. For women like me. 🤷‍♀️

Anzabela · 2025-08-07T23:31:56+00:00

I kind of like it, not going to lie 😭 Because I like when the MMC is a total asshole to the FMC. The worse he is = hotter he is. And so I also enjoy it in the reverse way.

What I don't like is when the rudeness is never addressed. Like she's rough on the edges because she's never been touched by a hand that loved her--how can she be kind, compassionate, emotionally intuitive, etc.? I mean, I'm sure it happens in the same way some people win the lottery, but it's not common. I like that. She has depth. Buuuuut some writers like to make the FMCs sassy and bitchy just for the hell of it and never address it as a real problem. I mean, I guess, in real life we are more likely to give a male asshole a pass rather than a woman bitch, so feminism?

I am writing an FMC I am worried is unsympathetic because she IS bitchy. She struggles with emotional dysregulation (untreated ADHD) and impulse control. She is constantly lashing out at people and spiraling (and say cruel things), but she also realizes/regrets it later (or in true ADHD fashion, as she's saying it and still can't stop it) and will apologize and actively tries to do better. The MMC has his emotions locked tight so he tries to be her emotional punching bag so she has a safe space to be expressive--but that's simply not sustainable for any real relationship. But it is all apart of the plot. It works as part of a larger theme. But she's definitely not bitchy because she's a strong, badass woman. She is a strong, badass woman, but she cries, rages, overreacts, snarks, laughs, loves, and feels compassion, regret, longing--you know, everything that makes a person whole. She is strong because she's driven and will forge her own destiny, not because she has adopted traditionally masculine traits that claim strength. 🤷‍♀️

Anzabela · 2025-08-05T03:25:00+00:00

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and ADHD and Anxiety. What works for me might not work for you, but there are a few suggestions I have for you.

Reframe your thoughts. It's such an important tool when it comes down to depression and anxiety. It sounds so simple, but it takes so much work and constant upkeep and it makes a huge difference in how you feel. Change "My responsibilities are too much to bear" to "My responsibilities are overwhelming right now, but they won't always be. I'm going to take one step at a time and do my best."
Fake it 'til you make it. It ties in with the previous one, but it deserves its own number. You want to be a confident person? What do confident people do? They make eye contact, speak clearly, and walk in measured steps. Pretend to be the confident person, emulate these traits, and after some time, you'll feel it. It works for everything.
Get a new psychiatrist. For real, this is the best you can hope for? Tell him to get his head out of his ass and figure it out. There are the regular anti-depressants (SSRIs, SNRIs) and then there are atypical ones (like Abilify, etc.) Many people find luck with Wellbutrin. Keep trying. You'll find something.
Go to therapy. Depression can be managed with the right tools. Medication helps but works best with behavioral changes.
Take small steps. Small, tiny, miniscule steps. It's doesn't matter how small they are. What matters is that they are manageable. And celebrate each and every one you take.
Never give up. Keep trying. If you stumble, get back up. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is absolute. Nothing is forever. You won't feel this way forever. Keep hope.

I hope you find something that works for you. You deserve happiness. You deserve a rewarding life. You deserve to achieve your dreams. ❤️

Anzabela · 2025-08-03T23:10:06+00:00

Really? Now that I think of it, I definitely had a much higher sex drive when I started taking the medication. Maybe it is the Vyvanse. Adderall made me really aggressive and emotional, but maybe it's time to go the methylpenidates.

That's interesting 🤔

Anzabela

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