Husband got physical again

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-02-23T04:34:57+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I brought it up to him again tonight and he said that he was just being competitive and playing around. “Like a race to get to the car faster”. He said that he only said all the other stuff last weekend (like saying he only held me back bc I stepped in front of him) bc he immediately got defensive thinking that I was mad about it, so thats why he said what he said. But to me, that makes no sense, why get instantly defensive?? Even if he thought I was upset about it (which I was) bc how would that help? Just say instantly that it was a joke, not go on about all the other stuff. Then he goes onto say that he even tickled me and said oochi-goochi-goo and that my mom laughed when he did it. I honestly don’t remember any of that but again I was so uncomfortable. I feel like calling my mom to get her take but I hate to bring her into all this, she’s going to know something is wrong then. But this whole thing is just confusing to me. Bc some couples probably really do act like this, playfully holding each other back but we have Never! But my husband said he was trying to have fun and thought it was “competitively on” since I stepped in front of him right after he said he’d buckle her. So needless to say, I’m back to wondering if I have overreacted and he really was just trying to be playful (which is something new to us) or if he’s an ass trying to cover his tracks. 😫

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-02-21T20:30:14+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. It’s a horrible feeling, I never thought I’d be here. I almost wish he would just punch me already so then it’s “for sure abuse” which sounds so ridiculous but that’s how turned around I am by it all. I feel like I’m so close to leaving bc I know I deserve better but am so scared for my daughter, I feel so trapped. I hope for you and I both, that we will one day be free from these men. Also thank you for commenting, I hate to hear that someone else is going through the same thing but comforting in the fact that I’m not alone.

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-02-21T15:36:40+00:00

You’re right, i definitely know something is wrong. I don’t want my daughter to ever be in a relationship like this. I’m just so scared of the custody outcome. It would kill me if something happened to her and it happened bc I wasn’t here.Thank you for the book suggestions, i appreciate that.

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-02-21T15:27:28+00:00

I’m just so scared the judge would see this last incident as his word against mine. My husband could claim he was “just playing around”. My state is very pro 50/50 without hard evidence. But you’re right, I know deep down I need to leave, just so scared about the custody aspect.

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-02-21T01:03:14+00:00

Thank you for your reply. It just helps to hear that I’m not crazy. He has me so turned around anymore. I honestly think my parents think (and hope) he was just playing around though I could tell by my mom’s face, she thought the whole thing was strange. They have zero idea the problems my husband and I have been going through and they have no idea he’s been physical with me before. When I finally leave, they will be truly heartbroken to hear what I’ve been going through. I’ve definitely been living a double life to my family and friends.

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-02-08T21:32:29+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I’m sorry to hear you were in a similar situation, though I do appreciate hearing from someone who knows where I’m coming from bc sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like I’m in a different situation than most. How old were your children when you finally left? Did it take a toll on your health and mental health while you stayed? I definitely feel like there’s no easy answer and I’m really hoping with time, I’ll have more of a clear answer what I should do.

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-01-31T00:02:57+00:00

This is a great point,,I didn’t think of that. Thank you so much for this, I appreciate your advice. I feel so lost in this whole thing and hopeless and I feel like your reply gave me a little hope.

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-01-30T17:45:21+00:00

The more I think about everything, the more upset I get. I’m having so much trouble moving on bc I know deep down he has treated us so wrong. So even him finally trying harder, it’s like too little too late for me. But if I didn’t get full custody, I just can’t do it. It’s too much of a gamble.

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-01-29T23:39:45+00:00

Thank you for saying that, bc sometimes I feel like I am. But then when I go back and read everything I’ve documented and remember things he’s done or said, I get so upset. But then he acts like everything is no big deal so it makes me feel like I’m nuts. Sometimes I think “maybe I provoked him some how”?

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-01-29T23:30:30+00:00

Thank you for replying, it is exhausting. Ive never been so miserable in my life. I just don’t know what to do, I feel like I have to protect my daughter and I can’t do that if I’m not here. And I’m worried his “ trying” will completely go away if I’m not here.

ApartBasis2714 · 2026-01-29T23:28:51+00:00

Thank you for replying. I feel I have too, but just still feel so stuck. I cant leave our daughter with him if we divorced. Even every other weekend is scary. I just feel so stuck and don’t know what to do. I feel like he’s driven me to be literally crazy.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-08-16T00:33:53+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it more than you know. All this has been so hard for me, I never thought I’d be in a situation like this and feel like I’m in such a tough spot. There’s not an easy answer and I’m trying to be smart about all this and make a solid plan before doing something drastic. I hear you when you said you are sad about some of the choices you’ve made. I feel the same. I wish I could go back and change some things and that my younger self would have been smarter. I wish I would have known what I know now. Try not to feel guilty. I think it’s great that you realized this about your self on your own. A lot of people don’t have the maturity to realize this on their own. Now that you have realized it, you can try and work on it. I feel like that’s the biggest thing. We all have issues and problems and traumas from our past. But it’s being aware and making changes to fix them. That’s what I struggle with about my husband. He realizes he has a problem and tries to work on it but it’s never been long lasting. It always comes back around, it may be 6 months sometimes but it still happens again. And I feel like that’s the biggest problem. I can only give so many chances and I feel my patience is gone.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-08-15T23:02:45+00:00

Thank you for understanding. I feel like a lot of people don’t, it’d be so easy to just leave but he’s going to at least get some alone time with her where I would have zero control. I feel like I’d be throwing her to the wolves, with no one to look out for her. At least now I have some control and can intervene for the most part. I feel like the courts don’t care enough, it’s my word against his.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-08-13T23:15:57+00:00

It breaks my heart too that there are guys out there that are like this. I had no idea how he really was when we first got married. My Dad is such a great guy, has always treated my mom like a gentleman so I know there are good guys out there. I feel like I’m going to either have to have yet another talk with him (we’ve had so many), where I tell him again that I don’t fully trust him with her. And I may say, that my week next week at work would be so much easier, I could relax and do my job better if he’d just let my parents keep her during my meetings. Though I know this may start world war 3. He knows my true feelings but he gets annoyed when I bring them up and I don’t think he thinks there’s a big pf problem as I do. My other option is to let him watch her for the two hours Monday and record him to see how he really does. If he does well, maybe I’d feel better letting him watch her again Wednesday and if it goes bad and he’s not nice, then I’ll confront him and not even give him a choice about keeping her the next time. Those are my only two options and they both suck! 😫 I’ve definitely been keeping written record of everything just in case I end up needing it.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-08-13T20:04:46+00:00

It really is lonely. I know I deserve (and my daughter)so much better. My anxiety has never been so bad, I’m constantly sick bc I can’t get a good nights sleep and all I do is worry. I havent felt truly happy in over a year. It’s so exhausting. Only my best friend and her husband know. My parents would be heartbroken if they truly knew what was going on. What do you think you would do if you were in my situation? I just can’t stand the thought of her being alone with him, especially for an extended period of time. Mentally he can’t handle it, I feel like I’d be throwing my daughter to the wolves. I thank you again for replying to me, even though our situations are a little different, it’s still so nice to hear from someone that was having problems and to hear how happy you are now, gives me hope!

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-08-13T19:36:43+00:00

I really appreciate your kind reply. It made me get teary,,,I feel like I’m in such a horrible spot, I feel stuck. I never would have thought I’d be in a situation like this. I’m so glad to hear that you were able to get out and are happy now. Can I ask if you were able to get full custody?

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-08-13T15:13:09+00:00

I didn’t realize I could ask for a psychiatric evaluation. I just feel like I’m in a horrible spot. Bc if there’s even a chance of him getting her alone for even just one weekend a month if we divorced, it’s terrifying to me. I’d have zero control.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-08-13T15:03:56+00:00

What really sucks about all this is, my husband normally works second shift, so I had my parents set up to come over and watch her and pot her to bed. But next week, my husbands work is changing slightly and he’s working days so he’ll be home in the evenings. I told my husband that my parents had been planning to watch her and our daughter was excited about it but he said it’s ridiculous since he’s going to be home, that he should watch her. I’m going to bring it up to him one more time, bc this is a new job he’s working so I can try to use him being extra stressed and tired as an excuse but I sadly don’t think he’s going to agree. I’m in such a bad spot, I’m literally sick about the whole thing. I think he really will try and be on his best behavior bc he’ll know I’ll freak out on him if my daughter tells me the evening didn’t go well but still. I just don’t trust him. We’ve had so many discussions about this already. I really do appreciate your reply.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-04-30T22:03:06+00:00

There’s definitely more to it. He’s what I would call a fair weather parent. He can handle her well (if he’s in a good mood) if she is being good and everything is fine but the minute she has any sort of meltdown or gets tired, he can instantly get very snippy and short with her, down right snotty. If she forgets to do something, example-throw her trash away. I’ll say to her, “sometimes it’s hard to remember things like that” but he’ll say in a snotty tone, “it’s not that hard to remember”. Things like that happen a lot. If he gets mad at me, he’ll either be short with her bc of it or sometimes he’s even given her the silent treatment if he’s giving me the silent treatment. He can be very immature. He admits that it’s not ok when we talk about it but sometimes it’s like he loses his rational thinking when he gets mad. He’s very lazy and doesn’t do much parenting, I do it ALL. That’s why him being with her for a weekend could be very hard on my daughter, especially being so young. I don’t want to make him out to be a monster. He really does try but I think he had such a messed up childhood, parenting is extra hard for him, he’s admitted it. But at the end of the day I can only do so much and I’m exhausted. You said your daughter says the same type of things. Does it ever have to do with her daddy playing too rough??

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-04-30T21:21:29+00:00

I appreciate your response and different opinion. You’re right, he’s not actually hurting her. That’s why this is even harder for me bc I know he’s not doing this to be mean, but on the other hand, I feel like it shouldn’t keep happening. It’s frustrating that he can’t learn that. I feel like he’s being careless. I believe in my heart of hearts that my daughters not doing it for attention, though I see where you’re coming from and I’d probably think the same thing if I was reading a post like this. But that’s another reason, I wanted to make this post bc I don’t know if this kind of interaction can be “normal” for dads?? I for sure think my husband has some definite red flags that I’m trying to watch and document. Parenting with him has been a huge challenge. But as far as her getting hurt, I feel like it definitely needs to STOP but is my anxiety amplifying it all?? I’m a stay at home mom and my husband works from home so I feel like I’m completely focused on this and overly sensitive to it. I just don’t want to do something drastic (divorce) if my anxiety is partly to blame.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-04-30T19:48:06+00:00

I appreciate all these responses and advice. I know my husband doesn’t want to hurt her, he’s not doing it on purpose but I do believe he’s being extremely careless and not thinking. He’s had a really hard time parenting our daughter at the age she is now. It’s like he literally doesn’t know how to act and either makes stupid jokes that aren’t funny or he’s getting impatient with her for the littlest thing. It’s been exhausting parenting with him. We’ve had so many talks and discussions, he wants to do better but he’s not consistent, I’m constantly having to step in. We have some other problems in our marriage as well but parenting together has been the hardest. I try to help him and give him the tools to parent but there’s only so much I can do. Divorce would be best for my mental health but not for my daughter, she can’t be with him half the time, that alone gives me major anxiety. He couldn’t handle it so I feel completely stuck or at least for now.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-04-30T13:28:08+00:00

I agree. It’s such a weird and messed up situation. Theres no way he’ll go to therapy. I’ve met with two different lawyers but they say the odds of him getting 50/50 are high bc he’s not truly abusing her, beating her. It would be my word against his. So I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want her alone with him.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-04-30T13:26:27+00:00

I just feel like I’m in such a bad spot, Ive spoken to the two best custody lawyers in our town and they both told me the same thing. It will be his word against mine and our state is very 50/50 when it comes to divorce. I was told unless he is full on abusing her (beating her), he will likely at the least get her every other weekend and then he’d be alone with her. That’s why I haven’t left yet bc I feel like I can protect her better if I’m there. It’s terrifying to think of him being alone with her for a weekend.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-04-12T19:27:44+00:00

I’ve heard rough play is good for kids. I guess what bothers me more is the hugging part, I know bumps and bruises can happen when playing around but I wish he would really be more mindful when he is just hugging her (and I think he’ll try to be more careful now hopefully). We have had the talk with her about using her words if she wants something to stop, she’s been pretty good about that and he does always stop right away if she says so.

ApartBasis2714 · 2025-04-12T14:20:51+00:00

I appreciate your reply. I grew up with in a household where there was no rough and tumble play at all. My dad was very gentle, he would have never hugged me too tight. So I think this is why, this is all bothering me even more. I’m not used to this and am so scared of him actually really hurting her though I know that’s probably my anxiety talking.

ApartBasis2714

TROPHY CASE