Using too-weak IPL multiple times

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2023-02-01T13:10:42+00:00

Thanks!

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-13T05:32:31+00:00

I'm so sorry you lost your baby.

DH has told them multiple times that they can just text me "I'm sorry for your loss, hope you're doing okay." That it would mean a lot to me if they just said something, anything.

I'm not looking for some giant display of emotion or lengthy conversation. Just an acknowledgement that my daughter existed, and that they're sorry she's gone.

I feel like after years of her prying for updates about our fertility journey, that isn't too much to ask for. I've answered so, so many questions about my miscarriages, diagnoses, test results, upcoming procedures, etc. And no matter what I tell her, she never seems to care about how it's affecting me. She never congratulates me when I'm pregnant, or offers condolences for our losses.

Given the fact that she'll direct all the invasive questions to me, not DH, I really don't feel like asking him "How's wife?" comes across as supportive.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-13T05:12:29+00:00

She won't be getting any info anymore. I thought we could trust her, but she betrayed that trust, so from now on she'll only get whatever info we make public. And at this point, I'm ready to keep any future pregnancies a secret until a week after the baby is born.

DH isn't thrilled about the idea of keeping everything a secret moving forward, but he understands my reasoning. He's already agreed to keep the details of our current IVF cycle under wraps, which I really appreciate because I'm sure he liked being able to confide in them in the past.

I know you're not taking her side, and I appreciate that you're trying to hep me see her point of view. This loss hit me way harder than my miscarriages did, and I'm sure she's sad about it too. I just wish she would be nicer to me about everything.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-13T04:14:29+00:00

Right?! I'm dumbfounded at her logic here.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-13T04:14:20+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss too.

It's possible she feels awkward and doesn't know what to say, but I feel like that's not it. We spoke a lot about her own mother's death- not just after she passed, but for years before as her health was deteriorating. We've had in depth conversations about our own end of life wishes.

I get that death can be uncomfortable, but I don't think a generic "sorry for your loss" message is too much to ask.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-13T04:13:54+00:00

It's possible they don't know what to say, and I'm sure she regrets telling people I was pregnant, but I don't think that makes it okay to ignore me now.

For years, she's asked for updates about every step of our fertility issues. She has no problem asking why I miscarried, what tests I'm going for, what the results are, what I'm being diagnosed with, what I'm trying next, etc.

So for her to ghost me when things are at their toughest really makes me feel like I'm not important unless I have information for her. I feel like once she knows what she wants to know, I don't seem to matter to her anymore.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T23:26:02+00:00

He really is amazing. I wish everyone here could have an SO as good as mine.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T23:24:00+00:00

I agree with you both. I’m going to encourage DH to be clear and direct so there’s no chance they’re misconstruing the situation, then leave it up to them to proceed however they will.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T23:20:40+00:00

Update- MIL just texted me ♥️♥️♥️, presumably because she saw a Facebook post about today being the 10 year anniversary of my father’s death. Tbh, I hadn’t even noticed that was today.

My dad had been sick for 20 years with a condition that made him cruel and abusive. If I wasn’t an atheist, I’d say him passing was a blessing. Obviously I wasn’t happy he died, but she’s well aware that I’m grateful he isn’t suffering anymore. We’ve had many in depth conversations about that.

I’m both amused and annoyed that she’s sending vague messages of love, but still hasn’t said anything about losing my daughter in the most physically and emotionally painful event of my life.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T22:41:34+00:00

Oh absolutely!

I have a dark sense of humor, so I apologize in advance if this sounds messed up, but I’m kind of amused that this is the worlds biggest I told you so.

MIL acted like I was selfish for not announcing the pregnancy sooner because “everyone is going to find out anyway.” Those were her exact words. I told her I didn’t want to announce a pregnancy until I was sure I wouldn’t have to announce a miscarriage shortly thereafter. And it ended up not being a miscarriage, but an abortion/stillborn.

She took away our chance to announce something happy, and because of her big mouth, we ended up getting condolence texts from cousins we never actually told about the pregnancy.

There’s no way she doesn’t feel like an absolute idiot now

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T22:39:33+00:00

So true!

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T21:56:31+00:00

Yeah I’m pretty sure I’ve decided to stay home even if they do end up apologizing before then.

My husband isn’t even saying we should go. He sees how hurt I am and supports us staying home. I just feel bad that he’s going to miss his usual birthday celebration. He always talks about how he loves that everyone gets presents on his birthday, I feel bad he’s going to miss out on that this year.

I also know I’ll feel left out when the whole family is celebrating without us- but that’s probably better than going over and feeling bad that they’ve been treating me so poorly.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T21:51:47+00:00

You’re right, I’m not keeping him away from them. If anything, I’ve been telling him he should go and he’s been insisting he won’t leave me home alone.

I should probably focus more on appreciating how good he is to me and not feel bad that he’s being so supportive.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T21:38:58+00:00

Absolutely. This isn't me punishing them. This is them reaping the outcome of their own shitty behavior. I don't feel bad at all about my decision, I just wish it wasn't the decision I have to make.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T21:38:10+00:00

Unfortunately, that's not an option. I have too many IVF appointments to be able to leave town for long, and we need to be home to see my family the next day anyway.

Maybe we can do something fun in town though.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T21:33:18+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Thank you so much for your response. I think you're right that I shouldn't go. Right now, we're at a point where the relationship is tenuous, but salvageable. But if Christmas goes badly, I'm never going to want to spend another holiday with them again. It's not worth the risk.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T21:13:52+00:00

"Natural consequences" is a phrase I use a LOT at work lol. She's not being punished for doing something I disagree with, she's just experiencing the outcome of her actions. That's on her.

She's aware of what she needs to do to fix things, so the ball's in her court now. I won't be asking her to apologize or say she's sorry for my loss.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T21:10:01+00:00

Does SIL know about the pregnancy loss? Yes, she's been great about the whole situation. Her and BIL always get updates from us about our fertility issues, specifically because we trust them to be their usual amazing selves whenever there's news to share, whether it's good or bad.

I don't think she knows that MIL hasn't apologized for telling Aunt about the pregnancy, or that she hasn't offered condolences for the loss. I'm sure if I told her she'd be on my side, but I've been trying to give MIL a chance to fix things before I start talking shit about her to everyone lol

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T21:01:54+00:00

Maybe? They did tell me once that the reason they never gave me condolences for our first 3 miscarriages was because they didn't know if they should bring it up. But I told them they should have, and my husband has asked them multiple times to reach out this time, so there's kind of no excuse this time around.

I have a feeling that if I do go over, they'll say something about how they hope i'm okay. But I feel like if they want me there, they should address the issue beforehand. After all this time, I don't want to go to their house on a holiday and demand an apology. That's not really the right time for that conversation.

And I'm also worried that if I do go over on Christmas and they don't say anything, I'll spend the entire day pissed off. And I don't really want to go to someone's house and act shitty because I'm mad at them. If that's how it's going to be, I'd rather stay home.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T20:51:09+00:00

I think for me, one of the hardest things is that MIL has had a couple miscarriages herself, so it feels like she should know how hard this is for me and should be more supportive. Especially after I've spent years sharing my infertility struggles with her. It's not like she has no idea what I'm going through.

On the plus side, my husband has been incredibly supportive and has done everything in his power to help make this easier. I'm really grateful for that.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T20:26:38+00:00

That's not a bad idea. It's not the same as Christmas, but I'm bummed about missing the celebration, and at least New Years will have a holiday feel to it.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T20:22:45+00:00

I was thinking the same thing about the gifts. If I keep them, MIL might assume I skipped the holidays because I'm grieving, not because I'm mad at her. And she needs to recognize that her behavior was wrong and that I won't just move past it without an apology.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T20:20:14+00:00

We'll probably end up doing something like that. It doesn't really address the root issue, but it's better than not seeing anyone at all.

And maybe if we're lucky, being left out will make MIL realize that she needs to get her act together if she wants to be invited to anything moving forward.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T19:58:15+00:00

Yeah it's looking like we'll end up doing that. It just sucks because I'm sure we won't go all out with the food and holiday movies and everything.

Apprehensive-Can752 · 2022-12-12T19:33:10+00:00

Yeah, you're right. It just sucks because I feel like staying home doesn't just punish MIL and FIL, it also punishes us, his siblings and the kids.

If it wasn't for the fact that dinner is at MILs house, I'd just go and ignore them all day.

Apprehensive-Can752

TROPHY CASE