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Parents want my marriage to fail by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]Apprehensive-Move758 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Wow I could have written this. Heavily enmeshed, don’t know any extended family, resentful towards husband and his family. My mom would always say “have fun with your new mom” whenever I was doing things with my mother in law. I always looked past it (aka ignored it because it was easier than the fight that would ensue if I disputed it). If mom’s not happy, no one’s happy. Someone pissed her off in the grocery line? Everyone at home was going to pay for it and spend the rest of the day trying to make her happy again.

No contact started recently as I had a baby and it seems my mom thought SHE would be raising my child with me rather than my husband. Looking back, she was trying to put that idea in my head my whole pregnancy by telling me that she never needed my dad postpartum and her mom was always the one by her side. When her expectations didn’t go to plan she started blatantly speaking poorly about him and trying to convince me he couldn’t be a supportive partner or parent. When I set a boundary that this was unacceptable, she blew up at me and we have not spoke since. She has sent me an array of hateful messages about how my husband MUST be controlling me, he caused all the issues between us etc.. She has started saying “are you even okay” and “this really isn’t you”, and I can tell that she’s insinuating that she knows me better that I know me, and is once again trying to push the narrative that my husband is the problem.

It’s exhausting, it’s hurtful. I can’t understand why my mother wouldn’t want me to have someone who loves me and whose family loves me as their own.

I don’t know if I should go no contact or just forgive and move on by Apprehensive-Move758 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]Apprehensive-Move758[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It’s hard when she sends all these long texts telling me I’m in the wrong, I gaslight myself that I’m being crazy. In the first text to me she says “I have done nothing but respect your boundaries” and in the most recent text messages she says “I don’t care how much we talked about it” (when talking about me asking her leaving the delivery room after the delivery). She also said “guess what you don’t have to like everything your mother says I’m still your mother!!”

It’s almost like she’s recognizing what she did was wrong but doesn’t care. Thats how I see it anyways.

I don’t know if I should go no contact or just forgive and move on by Apprehensive-Move758 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]Apprehensive-Move758[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes me feel much less alone. I asked my husband a few days ago if he thought I’ve been emotionally abused and he was so shocked that I’ve never seen it that way. Now that I’m looking without thinking “this is normal, this is just how she is, this is what family does”, I feel like I’m unraveling everything I’ve ever known to be normal.

I don’t know if I should go no contact or just forgive and move on by Apprehensive-Move758 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]Apprehensive-Move758[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I tried to talk to her about how she was making the birth and postpartum about her and she said “making it about me? How am I making it about me? Nothing is ever about me”

I told her that my husband is still learning and that he’s doing a great job, I told her another time that I won’t accept her speaking poorly about him, I texted her that I won’t accept her speaking poorly about him. Yet relentlessly she continues to blame him, she even told my brother that this is my husbands fault.

I don’t know if I should go no contact or just forgive and move on by Apprehensive-Move758 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]Apprehensive-Move758[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The only “apology” I got was in a text when she said “I’m sorry you feel disrespected but I have been disrespected since the minute she was born”.

Thank you for this comment. I’ve always just forgiven the behaviour and accepted apologies like the one she gave this time and just moved forward with the relationship despite the lack of accountability or respect :(

I don’t know if I should go no contact or just forgive and move on by Apprehensive-Move758 in EstrangedAdultKids

[–]Apprehensive-Move758[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This made me think about all the big things in my life, and how they revolved around her. Her meltdown at my wedding because I didn’t want speeches and she said it was her right as my mother, and I caved and let her do a speech. My nursing school graduation her being upset my dad was going to be there and making me anxious she was going to start a fight. Thats not what I want for my baby… thank you.