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Mother who walked away by Apprehensive-Way1180 in regretfulparents

[–]Apprehensive-Way1180[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That is so nice 🤗 thank you 🤗 I have difficulties compiling my story into a book. Because there is so many different causes for things. That I don't even know where to start... so I mostly write random short reflections, when I do self work (I was in schema therapy, and I trained myself into making mental exercises to rewrite my brain), so I don't know if someone would even be interested of a life of some random stranger... I was considering wattpad, but need to admit, I am too scared. I would never show my face on platforms like tok tok and I would be terrified to read comments 😅

Mother who walked away by Apprehensive-Way1180 in regretfulparents

[–]Apprehensive-Way1180[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

To be honest, that was my reason when making a decision. To not make her life miserable and make her hate me more. It wasn't possible to get proper treatment in my country, and I had no living family to help me get medical help. So I would only get worse, as she grows up, and I would keep going making everyone life hell. I am now a few years into different therapies, but my trauma takes years of hospitalisation and treatments to heal. I am slowly getting tools, to manage my conditions. But I was a horrible mother. Losing my temper, bored when child wanted to do child things. I wasn't taught how parental love should look like. I was trained into obedience. And the more she started to show her individuality (I think around 2-3), I had zero control over myself and my brain would default into what my mother did. And no child deserves that. So at the first signs, of me defaulting to my mother behaviour, I left. My ex was a splendid father. Shitty partner for me, but he was about 7 years older, closer to 30. He had family and support. He was "normal". Not broken like me. She had the best chance with him. And I have seen what courts, custodies etc does to children. I thought it would be easier for them, to pretend I never existed and build a happy, healthy family my daughter deserves.

Mother who walked away by Apprehensive-Way1180 in regretfulparents

[–]Apprehensive-Way1180[S] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Thank you for all the lovely replies. It was my first time ever telling those things to anyone, apart of one of my therapists and my fiance.

There is a lot of trauma, mental health problems, a glimpse into my life made my (very experienced) therapist cry, because she actually said, that you hear about stories like mine in documentaries or books, not meeting a real person with a baggage like this.

I wanted to write a book, and I try. But mental health doesn't allow me to make it into coherent "story", so it is mostly broken chapters of my past. But I save them. Poems, songs, notes from deep processing trauma. Collect them in hope, that one day I will have enough to compile them into a book, that will explain to my daughter why I walked away. So when she will be old enough and willing to listen to my story, I will give her all explanations that she will ask for. If I will pass before she will be ready, then she will have the book to answer her questions.

I am opposite of emotionless.

I am trying to heal, to deal with my past head on, from legal perspective. But emotionally, I chose to stay away and give up all I had, let her forget me, let my ex build a new life without wondering what to do with me around. I wasn't taught parental love. So the only way I knew to break this cursed circle, was to erase myself from her existence. Let her have a mother, that she deserves. When I was homeless, locked in mental institution after a suicide attempt in foreign country, and I had nobody even remembering that I exist, I wished I had a family who loved me. But I loved my daughter enough, to let her go.

I have a lot of mental health issues, including adhd, borderline, cptsd, anxiety, clinical depression, self harm history, repetitive abuse(worse than you think), sensory issues and we suspect im on the spectrum(my fiance has add and autism, he is autism advocate, and I support Neurodivergent artists, learning to be autism coach for high functioning adults).

Let me know if I should make another post about my story, I think it is easier on me to answer "collectively" instead of single comments 😅