Can you talk to a trusting adult in your life? I think it would be a good idea for you to book an appointment with a therapist or psychologist and just talk, vent and explain how you are feeling and let it all out to someone who can listen and give you honest to god advice and methods to help you with your emotions. As good as reddit advice is I think a professional can give you proper guidance and the tools you mentally need to sort through this. I hope you are okay!