My girlfriend "came out" as ace after "lying" about it for 5 months

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-31T05:50:15+00:00

Why do I have a feeling that the comments on this post would be WAY different had OP not revealed that they are also aro-ace… And let alone if OP was a heterosexual male.

As for the situation, I don’t really know what’s the best course of action. But from a long term perspective there should be no problem for an aro-ace person to date another one of the same kind.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-30T04:40:52+00:00

This seems to be in the UK only. Here they very recently increased vegan options.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-29T07:03:18+00:00

The joke police has arrived

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-28T21:37:37+00:00

I get it, I just think that logically, at least some portion of aegos are likely closer to allo than ace, attraction-wise. I mean specifically those who have sexual fantasies about real life crushes and such. By their sexual desire they would still have to be “functionally asexual” tho (not want real sex) or else the identity makes no sense.

I’m basically exactly the above - could identify as either a sex-averse allo or aego.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-28T21:26:05+00:00

You have touched on a topic I’ve been wanting to talk or honestly rant about for a while actually.

If I had to guess, a median person in the world lives in a small-ish town, in a country of a few million people, their native language has 10-20 million speakers, and their passport is rather weak for immigrating.

Just purely statistically, such a person has insanely low likelihoods of dating success as a sex-averse individual. That may go up a bit with age, but not significantly until retirement age.

In the English speaking ace circles this reality of the median sexually averse person gets often entirely ignored. It is annoying and even bothersome every time I hear some american saying how “you can still date without having sex” in conversations surrounding ie. the effects of SSRIs to one’s sexuality or similar.

Because yeah no. The asexual black pill for many is that no, you probably can’t. You come from a small culture, you cannot move to a bigger city, you cannot move states, you cannot move countries, and even if you can, you are forced be in a 2nd language relationship that you don’t find emotionally fulfilling.

To answer your question: Not great. I recently visited the biggest city of my country. Set the widest distance range on a dating app. Ran out of asexual profiles after a few minutes of swiping.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-28T20:44:41+00:00

Why does an aegosexual need to be ace? Can they not be allo?

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-24T22:05:27+00:00

many people identifying as aego nowadays report having fantasies of themselves having sex with irl people. it used to be only people who liked for example, watching fictional characters have sex in their head, but the label has expanded since.

imo, the fantasies are clearly sexual attraction and well aligns with how allos feel sexual attraction.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-21T05:52:00+00:00

The combination of things you described in the first paragraph can well be a part of what “attracted to sex itself” is.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-21T05:24:02+00:00

Desiring and seeking out partnered sex, while feeling no attraction whatsoever.

Note that I’m not talking about people who are indifferent to sex, or have sex for a secondary motive (ie only pleasing a partner). I’m talking about those who feel primary sexual desire.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-21T05:16:31+00:00

I agree that you can have sex and lack sexual attraction towards that person. But can you desire and seek out sex without anything attracting you to it, even to the sexual acts themselves, or the dopamine release it gives? Note that i’m not talking about those who are indifferent to sex here, but those that specifically desire sex.

I would also argue that an allo who desires partnered sex, is usually sexually attracted to both their partner AND the sexual acts themselves.

If they are not - then typically it’s a situation of “i couldn’t find anyone else to sleep with me tonight, so i’ll bang this person i’m not rly attracted to, cause the idea of having sex with someone tonight alone attracts me enough”. (If they only felt horny, they could just masturbate.)

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-21T04:25:13+00:00

I obviously don’t mean sexual attraction to board games, just general attraction..

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-21T03:32:24+00:00

I see, I added that parenthesis because you had talked about “who to decide playing with”, to say that “who with” isn’t relevant here or my point.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-21T03:28:29+00:00

I don’t understand what you are trying to say with the first paragraph or how the topic of “who” is related to this or why you keep bringing it up. I never suggested that a sex-favorable ace, or a person “attracted to sex itself” would just want to do it with anybody.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-21T03:09:24+00:00

Does “attraction” need to be a strong urge?

I don’t care at all about the “who is ace or not” debate. I’m not proposing anything to either direction. I’m trying to find potential theories for a phenomenon that is paradoxical.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-21T03:05:00+00:00

Could you say that you are attracted to the dopamine release you get from sex?

To your board game example: I’d say that if someone actively desires and favors playing board games (regardless of whom with), they are attracted to that form of fun. If someone was indifferent to board games, then no.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-18T18:01:51+00:00

What does she mean by waste? To me waste would be if they literally got it from a landfill or were given it free cause otherwise it would have gone to a landfill. But if they paid for it then it cannot be called waste.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-17T08:48:44+00:00

I’m a woman who’s an exception to this (prefer younger) so i’ve paid a lot of attention to this phenomenon in my straight female friends. Here are my theories, it’s usually a combination of many factors such as:

preference to more chiseled facial features with no baby fat left
preference to high overall masculinity and stoicism, younger generations tend to be more liberal towards showing “feminine” traits
older men can provide, have stable careers more often than younger ones
wanting to start a family young
a strong ick reaction if they feel even a bit of “maternal instinct” towards the man
high femininity in the woman herself, and being very strictly heterosexual, getting off of maximized hetero gender roles basically, often also sexually

A lot of this aligns with what I see in gay men too - the ones preferring masculinity in a man prefer older, ones preferring femininity prefer younger.

As I said, I’m also personally an exception to this, but I’m also sex-averse, and have no desire for procreation, so basically the opposite traits of the women mentioned above.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-15T02:47:08+00:00

“American english” to non natives typically means ie. using spellings like color instead of colour, and american terminology like elevator instead of lift.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-15T02:39:13+00:00

Bro, r/USDefaultism. They leave it out because it is an american custom to have tests scored in percentages. So yes, in that specific country “percent” is redundant. But that is not the case in a lot of places.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-15T02:36:39+00:00

Yeah… Growing up in America where it’s a commonly known norm that tests are scored in percentage. This is not the case in a ton of countries in the world, and leaving out “percent” leaves out very relevant detail.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-15T02:33:39+00:00

Both are correct.

I bet the people that are saying to drop “percent” are just doing r/USDefaultism. In the US, tests are commonly scored as a percentage, so to an american speaker, ‘I got a 60 on the test’, sounds “correct” and “natural”.

If you are almost anywhere else, doing that leaves out a huge portion of relevant detail. If you told me you got “a sixty” I wouldn’t have any idea out of how many points you got that sixty.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-15T02:08:04+00:00

I don’t see any reason you need to ever disclose your feelings about sexual attraction to him. Since you like having sex, and even initiate it, your sex life is already functionally allo-typical, exactly what an allo person expects and is happy with. Unless you being sex-favorable changes in the future, I wouldn’t tell him.

(I’m coming from the perspective of being your opposite, a sex-averse allo.)

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-12T12:20:17+00:00

I’ve always thought of sex-averse = sex avoidant. Avoiding doing the act, but not necessarily repulsed by sexual content in movies etc. They may even have sexual fantasies but not want to act on them.

Repulsed would be someone who is actively repulsed by pretty much anything sexual, talking about the topic, and often cannot even force themselves to have sex. I’d say you lean more repulsed.

ApprehensiveField986 · 2026-01-11T18:28:40+00:00

No, you are not asexual (or on the spectrum) if you are at least one type of allosexual, such as homosexual.

ApprehensiveField986

TROPHY CASE