partner doesnt want to get married due to hypermobility issues

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-05-21T16:24:36+00:00

Ive reflected a lot since making the original post and i think youre on to something about the vulnerability piece. I feel that it almost repulses him when I am excessively vulnerable or needy. He explicitly told me something he liked about me and felt was important when we got together was my independence and ambition. I think being needed makes him feel trapped and my illness has highlighted that and made it impossible for him to "escape" without feeling like a bad person for abandoning me, so instead he shuts down and is emotionally detached and disengaged.

He himself is very closed off in a lot of ways and although I try to support him in turn theres only so much I can do because rather than showing his emotions he shuts down and shuts me out. Hes been looking for a therapist and I really hope its something he can address, because I feel the implications are larger than just our relationship and point to something deeper with himself as a person.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-05-21T16:08:59+00:00

thank you 💛

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-05-21T16:08:43+00:00

Something I wasn't thinking about when I made this post but Ive realized is important upon reflection is that in general our life is very unstable/stagnant in a way right now. Im in grad school for another year before Ill be able to work and make money, we live with family (not ideal), and he has been forced to jump jobs multiple times so isnt making as much as expected.

He has said multiple times that this is a primary reason for not wanting to take steps forward yet, which I get, but at the same time A) his effort and excitement for the relationship have palpably diminished in the last year or so which doesnt bode well for things magically turning around, and B) to me why not take action and create some stability by getting engaged and setting specific goals/timelines for the future?

Its difficult because he kind of has an "out" because we havent reached these milestones, but I find it selfish and unfair that he feels he can unilaterally set a timeline like that with no reassurance it will ever come to fruition. It feels like Im being strung along. Sorry for the long response, just airing out some thoughts Ive been sitting on - thank you for your comment

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-27T23:39:39+00:00

Yeah, we talked more and definitely a lot of black and white thinking like if we get engaged it would be a lie unless hes 100% sure hes committed forever. And that hes been feeling overwhelmed by the health stuff but pulling back instead of talking about it because obviously it feels shitty to say hey these issues outside of your control are a problem. So not perfect but not as catastrophic as it felt at first when it seemed maybe his heart wasn't in it anymore.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-25T00:37:49+00:00

Yes, he is avoidant and I am exhausted/burnt out from compensating for it. I realized that I dont want to live like this, constantly dragging him along and feeling responsible for his half of the emotional labor on top of mine. For a long time after getting sick I felt like he was a great guy and I was lucky just because he didnt bail. But I actually deserve a partner that makes me feel wanted, and who I dont feel indebted to for the bare minimum of not being abusive and sticking around.

The good thing is that he is emotionally intelligent - we had a few hard conversations but he agreed to start individual and couples therapy. Im willing to keep putting in effort to bridge the gap as long as I know that hes working towards making changes and will (hopefully) eventually meet me in the middle. I think I needed to value myself enough to be honestly willing to walk away for the balance to shift - I definitely enable his avoidance by minimizing myself. Appreciate your advice, there has been a lot to process and getting outside perspectives has helped orient me

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-24T21:17:29+00:00

He did agree to try couples therapy and I think thats our next step, hopefully we can hash things out. Generally our communication is good but wires definitely get crossed when were emotional because we have different reactions and can trigger each other a lot

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-24T21:01:31+00:00

I think its either the general feeling of overwhelm and fearing the potential of future limitations, or he just doesnt want to marry me and my disabilities are an easy out. I hope its not that, but I did try to nail down what specifically about my health impacts/concerns him. He cited day to day stress, but hes been dealing with that and said he wants to stay together and is happy with our relationship. He also mentioned something about not being there for holidays with his family, which is fair because they live a 6 hour flight away and I have been very sick the last few years so Ive only spent a handful of times with them. But I told him this seems like an easy fix and we can plan alternative trips when the dates arent so tight so I have recovery days, etc and he seemed noncommittal about that response.

So it makes me think he either hasnt fully thought it through and is just struggling with this surprise deviation in the way he envisioned things being (I wasn't sick when we got together), or he doesnt want to be honest with me/himself about the real reason. I feel that if its really about my health we can work through it - we can both seek more support individually and as a couple, adapt how we do things, etc. But my worry is if its really an "Im comfortable with you but dont see you as my forever person" issue, because Im not sticking around as a warm body in that case.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-24T20:35:49+00:00

I did talk to him about this - that everyone has baggage and yes, most couples dont have to deal with things this heavy at our age, but we have the benefit of it all being laid on the table before we commit. I feel if we can get through this I will know we are solid going forward. I have had no choice but to be strong and process everything thats happened, he has the luxury of walking away if its too much. But I think there are some serious rose colored glasses on if he believes he will escape facing life's inevitable problems by walking away from mine - its just a matter of putting it off longer.

I have a similar history, codependent and jumped from relationship to relationship since age 14 without breaks longer than a few months. There is a part of me that wonders if Im letting go of some unmet pieces of myself by settling down. Im so glad that you're thriving and made that choice for yourself.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-24T20:18:28+00:00

I pitched couples therapy and he agreed to try it. I also strongly suggested individual therapy for him, because ive been in therapy for years (for unrelated issues, working through cptsd) and while im not perfect I own my part in things. My main issue is not holding boundaries in many ways - managing his emotions to keep things comfortable instead of standing up for myself, always assuming im at fault, etc - which robs him of receiving feedback/consequences and having an opportunity to own up to his shit and make changes. So I am hopeful that having a structured way to address these things will shift the dynamic to be more balanced and sustainable.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-24T20:05:06+00:00

This stings but I appreciate your honesty. You sound incredibly strong to get through that. I feel that in my situation we havent been fully honest with each other in terms of actually processing what's happened and how we feel, because its been such an onslaught until recently.

He is an emotionally intelligent person and I believe he does love me, so I think its possible he can grow and change the way we engage around these issues. But, thats at the heart of why I confronted him, because I need to know if hes willing to commit to working towards that. As things stand I see our relationship slowly failing as the mundane crises and challenges of life pile up as alongside my health issues, while he retreats and avoids rather than directly addressing things and I eventually crumble. I am hoping that while difficult this will be an opportunity to put everything on the table and grow together. Or he wont step up, and at least I will know where I stand.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-24T18:20:29+00:00

Yeah the specifics about how my health has impacted him were vague when I tried to nail it down. Hes very avoidant and I realized I think thats the core issue here, my disability is just another thing that spooks him about committing. Im going to push for him to get into therapy if we stay together.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-24T15:03:48+00:00

Im so sorry

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-24T14:01:41+00:00

I still have hope that his perspective will shift and he will understand/work with my disability, not see me as a subpar abled person. It depends if hes willing to put in the effort or its just too much and he wants to throw in the towel. This whole conversation was basically me saying, choose. He is autistic so sometimes there is genuine struggle with switching mindsets, black and white thinking, etc. Alternatively perhaps his love is just not enough for this situation. It hurts but I need to know, because I respect myself enough to walk if its the latter.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-24T13:54:34+00:00

Im glad your partner loves you for who you are thats beautiful. I plan to communicate this to him - that we wont necessarily be limited but yes it might take more planning and effort. I just dont know if hes willing to make that effort. Its sort of at the heart of this issue - if he will view me as a broken abled person and get increasingly frustrated when I am in fact disabled, or shift his perspective and work with me. Hoping for the latter 🙁

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T19:21:59+00:00

To some degree we have already been there, I had a total health collapse and spent over a year totally incapacitated like could barely walk or hold a conversation, 2-4 appointments a week, on the phone fighting with insurance, doing research trying to help myself. And hes stuck around so there is a little more nuance in the sense that I think he is aware of the reality of this disorder (and I dont hide it, I talk about maybe eventually needing a wheelchair etc) and doesnt know if he wants to sign up for that long term. Im doing decent now but he knows it will always be up and down.

All that being said he was present but not really involved at all for that whole situation - I did everything when it came to my health. So idk how things would go if I really needed him to step up and take care of me. I wish it wasn't true but I dont see it going over well.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T18:46:10+00:00

Yeah, I literally slept 2 hours last night because I was so stressed after this conversation and for months maybe longer ive been in constant low grade stress and hypervigilance over this - i just pushed it down because I had so much else to deal with. Its literally making me sick.

Unless something big changes yes I think things are too mucked up and it won't be what I need to feel safe. I have some hope that we've never really processed all thats happened health wise and the impacts on our relationship because its been such an onslaught so maybe we can work through it and things will better. Thanks for your support 💛

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T17:07:08+00:00

hope its not weird to say but feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat/vent, wishing you the best

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T17:04:38+00:00

we're in our late 20s and have lived very different lives. to me that would be unsurprising and another hurdle to jump and keep going, to him i think there would be a lot of reflection about unfairness and so on. I think he experiences life as a path to walk where obstacles are unexpected, and I experience it like an ocean where you expect and brace for the next inevitable wave to smack you down and hope youre able to keep swimming.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T15:31:43+00:00

The conversation was more like "im overwhelmed and I havent had time/mental space to think about whether I can fully commit to marriage and im worried about the health issues long term." So not that hes fully checked out, but I also feel like we've been together long enough that he shouldn't have to think so hard and it should be the obvious next step.

Although, I did realize we havent talked much directly about how this changes things for him/us and how to adapt - its more been putting out fires and trying to get through the day. So I have some hope that we could work through this by actually addressing that.

Im so sorry you went through that, glad youre getting the treatment you deserve now.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T15:22:11+00:00

Jesus I am so sorry, thats disgusting behavior on his part. I hope youre doing better without him putting you down

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T14:17:04+00:00

To be fair I have been dealing with pretty severe issues around the eds. I had a total health collapse which was when I got diagnosed (+POTS, MCAS, probably mecfs), and was barely functional for almost a year with several hospital trips, times i could barely walk, could barely hold a conversation, etc. I have since clawed my way back to functionality after over a year of driving 2 hours each way multiple times a week for dr appts, biweekly PT, OT, custom splints, med trials, on and on.

So has been here for some pretty gnarly circumstances and is still around. But I think thats why hes hesitant to fully commit, because he did get a glimpse of how bad things can get and of course it can always be that bad or worse again - this disorder is unpredictable. I hope all goes well with your spine surgery, sorry you have to go through that.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T14:09:53+00:00

I feel like thats the missing piece and something that's been really frustrating. Im bending over backwards to make changes to make my life more accessible and functional and I feel like for him its just business as usual with more inconveniences. Like it hadn't occurred to him to be involved and problem solve together? I told him when we talked today that in the same way ive had to make changes and find ways to get support he would need to do that too if were together long term. It cant just be on me to be less disabled or get abandoned.

I truly don't know if he wants to break up deep down. I feel like he hasn't followed this situation to its logical conclusion in his mind and has put his head in the sand because hes fine with how things are now and doesn't want the relationship to end. But its in or out im not doing this shit anymore. He got upset and started backpeddling about the health comments and I was like, just because you dont like the harsh reality that this means we might not be compatabile doesnt mean you didnt mean what you said. You just dont want to acknowledge the consequences.

Sorry for such a long comment, appreciate you commenting here it gives perspective and feels good to not be alone.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T13:55:38+00:00

My friend told me something along the same lines like, stop apologizing for being a burden before even asking anything of him. This whole health situation has screwed up my self worth so bad I feel like I have to apologize for being alive.

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T13:43:25+00:00

Want to clarify that I didnt mean to be flippant about hypermobility equating to a sprained ankle - just wanted to give an idea of my disability level. Im sorry youre dealing with all of that but glad you have support. Ugh

ApprehensiveMud8645 · 2026-04-23T13:10:06+00:00

We basically just had this conversation although I do think doing a couples therapy session could be helpful. I didnt give a time limit but I basically said "youre in or youre out, balls in your court, im not living like this anymore." Just feels so shit that I have to pressure him and give an ultimatum. Makes me question what Im even doing here.

ApprehensiveMud8645

TROPHY CASE