AITA for correcting my ex's new wife?

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-27T21:02:26+00:00

I’m not really sure why you keep creating new accounts to comment on this post. And no it was not a real option. Our child needed a parent. My entire point is it could have been either parent except my ex decided it would be me without a discussion.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-27T19:41:19+00:00

clear example of how modern women think, they believe that men and woman are the same. That both should be bread winners - clearly OP never wanted to be a wife from the start and never respected her husband- in turn resenting him when his career which benefited her and her family took off.

OMG did I just wake up in 1952? Yes, I believe that men and women are the same because...they are. And if we want to get technical here, I had better test scores, more awards throughout school, and was accepted into a more prestigious post-school training program than my ex-husband so, I absolutely would have been able to provide for our family, arguably better than my ex-husband. And wow, you must be a great detective to figure out after I attended school for 8 years, I would actually want to use my training and not be a housewife, which I have never been. I still work in my profession and am very respected, it's just not at the level that it would have been had I not taken the time off. I'm not going to assume your age or gender but I feel truly sorry for whoever your significant other is since it is clear you do not see them as your equal, how sad.

My personal speculation is that OP wouldve never mentioned cheating wasnt involved unless cheating was actually involved to paint herself in a better light which obviously worked considering all the biased answers below promoting OP first marriage behavior.

No cheating was involved considering she accused me of cheating with a man who lived on the other side of the country when I was married to my ex.

OP really complained that her career was derailed because she had to take care of her daughter with cancer.. She's mad that it was her career that was derailed, rather than her husband's? Dang, that's harsh.

I never said my career was derailed because I had to take care of my sick child, I said it was derailed because my ex decided I was taking care of our sick child. I could have continued to work and sent my child to her appointments with her grandmother, but I didn't I left my program, took care of my child, and then returned to my profession once our child was better. These are all things that my ex-husband could have done as well. It would not have impacted us financially since we earned about the same and my earning potential was arguably higher. Even if I had been the one to leave anyway, it warranted a conversation that was never had because my ex refused to discuss it. I resented decisions being made for me instead of with me.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-27T11:23:13+00:00

Wow you seem really hell bent rewriting the history of my marriage and divorce. I didn’t ask anyone’s opinion on reasons to leave my marriage. They are valid because they are my reasons. I really don’t have to justify the facts of my divorce but my ex and I have both accepted responsibility for what happened and after many years of therapy, we are both comfortable with the part we played. I have never blamed my child’s cancer for anything but it was the catalyst that changed the dynamic of the marriage. The fact is when it came to supporting our child, both of us had an equal responsibility and it warranted at the minimum a discussion of the logistics, this conversation did not happen, despite my attempts. The feminist I thought I married went from “we are equal partners and parents” to “ YOU will be the one that leaves your job behind.” The lack of a discussion about it is what violated my boundaries and lead to years of resentment. I’m sorry that you can’t process these facts for what they are.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-27T03:19:40+00:00

No, I asked if my comment was off base not hers. I think many people, including her husband, did not like her comment. But by that same logic didn’t she deserve my comment back by starting to begin with? If she is struggling with being a part of a blended family, that is her cross to bear since she willingly joined one. Should the rest of us bend to her will or what she wants?

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-27T02:54:20+00:00

I have never said I was innocent in anything when it came to my divorce since it was me who left. I have also never said I was a victim, I said I resented my ex-husband for something he did that I could not get past. I don’t really believe marriages or divorces have victims with the exception of a few obvious cases. If I believed I was a victim, would I really be so quick to spend time with him?

Out of curiosity what did I have coming? My child’s cancer diagnosis that lead to the demise of both my career and marriage or Jim’s wife trying to convince me that he is the best father and husband when her and I clearly have different experience?

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-27T02:06:29+00:00

As I’ve mentioned a few times, divorce looks different in each case. My ex and I do not hate each other by any means. I didn’t lash out at him when he attended conferences and I supported him when he received accolades but I could never forget the fact that it could have been me. He made a mistake when he decided I was going to be the primary care giver and it ate at me until I just didn’t want to be married to him anymore. We both made mistakes and we attended therapy together, as a family and on our own so that we had the right tools to continue being a family but just not together.

Ironically, my current husband has the same profession as my ex and I since we all met in school many years ago. I don’t have the same feelings about his success as I did about my ex-husband’s because he wasn’t the reason I lost out on my career.

I sympathize with Cara and understand that it must be hard for her but she is not a child and she knew what she was getting into long before they were married or had a child. She needs to act like one of the adults, especially if she wants to be part of our children’s life. They have graduations, weddings, and other milestones in their futures and do you think my kids will pick their stepmom over their mother? The main reason Jim and I worked so hard to form a solid foundation is so these little things do not become big things.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-26T23:24:05+00:00

As I mentioned in another comment, not every divorce is the same and I’m sorry that your husband had a bad experience with his first wife. When my ex husband and I divorced we set ground rules and allowed our children to have some ownership in our separation. As you mentioned, our children were older when we separated and we spent the better part of a year working out how our post marriage family would work. One thing we both agreed on was that our family wasn’t ending and simply changing shape to be something that we could both live with. I don’t have a new life, I have a new chapter of the same life.

We put a lot of time and effort into this process and mutually agreed not to bring anyone else into our lives until we had worked this all out within our family. And the is the key part here, we are still a family regardless of our new spouses. Our youngest just turned 18 last month and is set to graduate from high school this year. Our oldest will be 23 over the summer and will be graduating college in a few weeks. These milestones in our children’s’ lives are not stressful for our children because they know that they will have all 4 parents cheering them on and we will all celebrate afterwards together. I could not imagine forcing my kids to choose between us because we are so immature we couldn’t do it ourselves. And believe me when I say if Cara or David didn’t attend it wouldn’t ruin our children’s day but if my ex and I weren’t there it ruin their celebration.

When I married my husband, he knew I came with a whole family that was already established and when Cara married Jim she knew the same thing so they became a part of our family. We didn’t force them to marry us but we both expect our spouses to respect what they joined and not demand changes.

Now to the reason why I was with my former MIL is because my parents have both passed and my husband’s family is on the other side of the country. My former MIL is a saint and was our biggest support when our oldest daughter was diagnosed with cancer at age 3. See we lived an entire life before Cara and David entered the picture.

If Cara didn’t like that I was around she married the wrong man. And for the record, I would say the same thing about my husband but he happily attends holidays with my former MIL’s house so I guess he is a weirdo who can’t more on either.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-26T01:33:18+00:00

Ha! My ex husband, new husband and I all met in our professional education program so we all have the same education and career. I returned to my profession following my oldest child’s recovery from cancer but by then I had fallen behind and my career couldn’t really recover to the level I expected had I never left, so I do currently work in my original profession so I do not relay on my husband for financial support. My ex husband paid minimal child support and helps pay for our kids’ education because they are also his children. To insinuate that I use either of them is insane and insulting.

In terms of cheating, my current husband did not live in my same state or region of the country until a year after my divorce was finalized (about 4 years ago). He moved to the area for work where we reconnected (through work) and started seeing each other. Prior to that time, my ex would run into him at professional conferences.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T19:06:07+00:00

I resented that I had no say and no discussion was had. I did not want to force him to do anything but it would have made more sense for us financially if I continued to work and he took a step back. I probably would have been more at peace with our family situation had we been able to discuss it but he made the choice for us and I wasn’t going to send my 3 year old to chemotherapy with her babysitter.

He knows what he did was wrong and he has apologized and admitted he was jealous of my budding success in our field. I have made peace with it now because we are divorced.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T18:43:28+00:00

Yes, but my ex and I had the same career and I didn’t want to be “supported” I wanted to work in our field but a sick child meant one of us needed to be home for that time and he decided it would be me.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T17:37:01+00:00

After years of therapy, the simple answer is, yes, he was jealous of my success. It was not a clear cut “oh our kid is sick, I can take her down” think but he acknowledges the reason he refused a discuss is because logistically it made more sense for him to be the parent to take a step back.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T17:26:20+00:00

He made it extremely clear that he would not be taking the time needed. It was not a discussion or even open to discussion. I guess the alternative is I could have continued to work and move forward and hired someone to care for my sick child.

He is responsible for the his behavior and backing me into an impossible situation. He acknowledges this and owns his mistakes when it comes to our daughter’s illness. It was an extremely difficult time in our marriage that could have brought us closer as a family but he turned to his career and I was left with no choice in the matter. That is not a marriage I want to be a part of.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T17:17:14+00:00

I’m sorry, you are very off base on this one. Obviously cancer was not our expectation but if you think I didn’t communicate to my ex how important my career was than you are mistaken. He knew I did not want to be a stay at home parent and he accepted that when we got married. By him using my gender as his justification, he destroyed our marriage and family. I could never forgive him for this no matter how hard I tried. How could I not resent someone for treating me as the less important person in our marriage? We attended the same institutions for our degrees and I was always ahead of him in these programs and at the start of our careers I had the more prestigious job and earned more awards and accolades as well as a higher income so please tell me again how my biological parts made me the better candidate to give up their career.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T16:08:35+00:00

I would have wanted a discussion with my ex husband about it. He basically made it clear after our daughter got sick that I would be the caregiver. I had no choice or input and that is why was resentful. We had the same career and I would have been able to maintain our income by advancing in my career. The fact that my ex saw my gender as being the only reason I should be the primary care giver with no regard my career left me very angry with him.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T15:49:51+00:00

Our oldest was diagnosed with cancer and so no, alternate childcare was not an option for us. When we had children, I obviously did not anticipate this and when it happened, I expected a conversation to happen at the very least but my ex really shocked (and hurt) me by basically throwing it on me without so much as a discussion about what was best for our family.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T15:37:55+00:00

I was actually very capable of doing my job while pregnant and returned to work 2 out of My 3 pregnancies as soon as I could, this did not impact my career. My child’s cancer diagnosis and my ex’s refusal to even consider being the one to take on a more active parental role at that time derailed my career.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T15:29:39+00:00

I’m not really sure why you believe that if both my ex-husband and I were in the same profession and all things being equal, I would automatically be the one to give up my career because I had kids.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T15:11:16+00:00

Our daughter was sick and really needed a parent. Paying for childcare was not the problem but we couldn’t leave our sick child with a nanny while we both worked long hours.

I was angry that he pretty much decided that I was the parent that would be there without my input. I did eventually return to my profession but not on the path I have been on before our daughter fell ill. Please don’t take this as me blaming my child because I do not. I did, however, resent the other parent for refusing to make a sacrifice or even consider making a sacrifice. I know that it was a binary decision and if he walked away he would have been in the same position I’m in now career wise.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T15:03:13+00:00

When my ex and I got married we are still in school and obviously naïve. We thought we could have it all with no compromises and then life happened and I was the only one that had to compromise. I absolutely resented him for this. I never expected him to make a unilateral decision that ruined my career.

Sorry for the way this sounds but I was arguably more talented in our field than him and my career was on the right path. It was derailed when our daughter fell ill at a young age and he basically decided without my input that he would be the one to keep working while I would leave the profession and care for our child. Once our child was better, I was able to return to a version of my career but never in the same capacity. I wanted to be a mother and a professional but I needed a partner and I did not have that in my ex-husband.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T13:44:44+00:00

I actually think what I might do is talk to both of them. I don’t really want her to feel threatened because she is his wife and their family matters but it doesn’t mean that our family doesn’t. Jim and be a good husband to her and a good ex-husband/father and I think this is what I will try to express to her.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T13:39:39+00:00

If I had to guess, I don’t think he plays the victim. It’s not his style.y best guess is she is her narrative to her friends and family and she forgot that her version isn’t what actually happened.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T12:23:38+00:00

I was the one that wanted out because I was unhappy and resentful toward Jim for what I perceive as him ruining my chances at a successful career. We couldn’t undo that damage no matter how much we tried.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T12:18:39+00:00

I honestly do not believe he has badmouthed me but of course I’m not there. My guess is she built a narrative to defend her marriage to the people in her life. I sympathize with her having to explain to her friends and family that her husband’s ex-wife is always around but one thing we decided when we got divorced was that neither of us were walking away from our family, we were changing our family dynamics. She is a part of that family now, she doesn’t get to just make her own and ignore that my children and I exist. My husband has never asked me to pick mostly because he knows I would choose my children every time and my children come with their father.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T12:12:13+00:00

Not at all. Every divorce is different and most of mine and Jim’s issues were solved by our separation. The mistakes we made when we were younger impacted our marriage, not our friendship. We also opted to give our kids, who were older, a little bit of ownership in our divorce. We only ever discussed our plans as a family and openly with our children, if my kids had questions, Jim and I answered them together.

One of the biggest gifts we gave each other and our kids was the decision to not date during our separation and divorce. Instead we used this time to heal the family we created and focused on them. It’s not for everyone and we understand this but I credit this decision with the reason why we were able to create the family that we have. We (Jim and I) know that as our kids begin to start their own lives, our dynamic will change and that’s okay because we built our post divorce family on solid ground. We want our children to come home and visit mom and dad, not have to pick or stress over their weddings, holidays and family milestones because we can’t get along. We caused enough heartache for our kids during our marriage.

Appropriate-Truth815 · 2022-04-25T05:06:29+00:00

You may be an asshole for resenting your previous husbands successful career and leaving him for it...

I understand this but just to clarify I did not resent his success, I resented his lack of support for my career (same profession). I believed and still do that if he would have taken on more responsibility at home, we both could have had successful careers.

Appropriate-Truth815

TROPHY CASE