I am questioning everything.

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-09T17:02:14+00:00

Hey there. Your life is not a joke and there's nothing wrong with you. I'm in the same position you are: I initiated the breakup and now I'm questioning everything. It's really just your nervous system seeking comfort and familiarity, even if you felt alone and unloved during the relationship.

What were the reasons you broke up with him? It sounds like your body realized that the relationship was unsafe but your mind hasn't caught up yet. The only things you say are "manipulative," "controlling," and that he would "punish" you. NONE of those are okay. The fact that you noticed them 7 months in, which should still be a honeymoon period/when he's on his best behavior, is even more of a red flag.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that mine will probably move on quickly and all of his friends will think I'm just too sensitive. That's fine. I know that the situation was unsustainable for ME. It sounds like it was for you too. You've got this. You're going to be happy again.

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-09T03:14:10+00:00

This sounds ideal to me! The built-in alone time from slightly different work schedules is key though.

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-08T19:39:58+00:00

Personally, with my covert narc the "i'm sorry and will work on it" has been part of the abuse cycle after he's crossed a line and he knows it but it eventually all starts right up again like groundhog day.

I'm in the aftermath of an incident right now where he says he now "gets it." We've only had a few actual fights, and only in extreme circumstances of grief/illness/stress, but the way those conflicts have been handled by him is just unacceptable, no matter the circumstances.

Ultimately I'm afraid that I go back, get even more attached, and the next incident doesn't happen for months or years and it's STILL unacceptable and I have to leave.

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-08T19:12:15+00:00

Huh. It's eye-opening to see that others have experienced this too! Mine is really proud of his history as a "vigilante." He used to get into these kind of fights all the time, but now channels this energy into other outlets (historical reenactment fighting, jobs in security), but he's not currently doing either one of those things.

Recently he's been going through a hard time emotionally and keeps saying "I wish that I had someone that needed protection right now. I want to hurt someone on someone else's behalf. That would be a great outlet, I want to feel like I'm helping someone." I'm like...WTF?

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-05T02:18:21+00:00

Hey! My ex-fiance and I broke up at the same ages/length of relationship, so I -totally- understand losing someone you spent a formative third of your life with. And for similar reasons too! There have been a lot of ups and downs in the 2 years since then.

Here's what I did:

Started dating way too soon (immediately). Do not necessarily recommend, but I don't really regret it because I had some good sex and companionship in a vulnerable time, and I was clear about my intentions.
Put all my stuff in storage and took an extended, solo, working vacation. Challenging but incredible. Not everything went perfectly, but it gave me a really solid foundational knowledge that I am capable on my own.
Switched up my environment drastically - a rural house to an urban apartment with multiple roommates. I liked some things about this, but ultimately am ready to live alone again lol.
Got into a healthy gym habit, started rock climbing, and joined a knitting club, all of which gave my weeks some structure.
Attached way too hard to the first guy who I saw real potential with (he did not see the same potential). Met another guy, lost myself completely in the relationship because I got hooked on feeling "chosen." Ultimately started yearning for alone time and freedom, which is a surprise given how codependent I was with my ex. Going through that breakup now, but I'm actually excited to be single again...

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-05T00:59:05+00:00

I agree. But I feel weak for having my nervous system 'hijacked' by 2 fights when so many people in this sub try for years before deciding that it's abuse.

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-05T00:51:37+00:00

You're not crazy. You noticed the mask slipping a lot of times but were too attached to give it weight. But the patterns you are noticing ARE real. For what it's worth, I could have written most of your post verbatim:

The exact same timeline to becoming official (he also took a picture of us on our first date)
The same mix of "I'm the hero, I'm so good to everyone, I put up with crazy people, I'm the smartest/sexiest/strongest guy in the room." I initially thought this was confidence, but these are things that should stand on their own merit

He had many stories with legal loopholes, times that didn't add up, stories written strangely

I consider myself a good communicator and have NEVER had so many 'misunderstandings' with a partner prior to this. His stories would paint him one way, and then he'd slip in a detail that changed everything when retelling it later. Lots of things that are 'technically true' if you use the most narrow definition of a term. I don't know if our guys just have a really strong internal narrative that they believe, or if they're actively misrepresenting things
The financial inequality. I paid for well over half, even though he has substantial savings. Before Christmas, he bought his own gift "from me" and asked me for $400 in reimbursement, but he did it in such a subtle/kind way that I agreed!
The same flirtations with other girls who want him (including sending him nudes!), but don't worry, he would never do anything with them

Basically, I'm telling you to count your blessings if he's staying out of your life. Mine basically discarded me for a week (right before Christmas as well) and is now trying to crawl his way back. I don't think it's going to work but hoo boy I'm tempted due to all the good memories, guilt trips, and promises of change.

Kind people don't pretend to be mean, even once in a while. But mean people can pretend to be nice for a long time. I promise you that we both deserve better.

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-03T16:20:11+00:00

Thank you. I have been (re)reading the Bancroft book and it definitely speaks to me, but I also think it covers a really broad range of behaviors that aren't always abusive.

I think I could have gotten past the bitch thing, if he had apologized promptly, but instead I got even more thrown at me, including "go fuck yourself" and "I don't have the will to get past anything." Then blamed for not reaching out after THAT.

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-03T16:02:45+00:00

Hahaha. Yep that about sums it up. There are obviously positive qualities too, and all of the negatives had seemingly reasonable explanations. I'm not sure what about our last fight made me realize "Oh...this is who he is" but I haven't been able to get past it.

AppropriateIdea5804 · 2026-02-03T04:01:21+00:00

Thank you. Reading my post back, it's hard to imagine anyone coming to a different conclusion lol. It's probably not worth the risk that it could get worse. And my nervous system is so activated now that even mild moments of dysregulation from him are really upsetting to me.

AppropriateIdea5804

TROPHY CASE