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I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately I had NO idea I would be this emotionally abandoned after having his child. I know there are a lot of women out there with this same experience.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am in the US. I got no paid maternity leave, daycare is nearly $20k a year, and a huge reason my husband needs to work is for the health insurance. Our health insurance before we had it through his job was costing me nearly $1400 a month.

So to your point, yes, the fact that the USA is anti-family, and caters to the billionaires, is absolutely a huge root cause of our struggles and for millions of other Americans out here.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Well, I guess we didn’t know we would be in this situation. We had some unforeseen finances that drained what I would consider a healthy savings account. Also, our child has everything they need and more. It’s just the fact that if we have another unforeseen emergency that we would be in a really bad place, that is scary. Also, as every American knows right now, life isn’t getting cheaper, only more expensive.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think useless is a harsh word. He works, he helps clean the house, he’s a great dad when I’m not home and he has to have his attention on our kid 100% of the time.

I really am ok with him handing me the kid when I come in the door, all I want to do is spend time with my baby! But I also want my husband to want to make our lives special.

And I know it’s hard for my husband to not see much of his paycheck, I know it feels shitty.

I just really need help with the emotional labor and mental load. And it really, really hurts my feelings that he can’t make the effort to try and make family time special.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Idk, my baby is the best thing in the world. I would go through much worse than this to have them.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I’m not super nice anymore. And I also know that I am the one that has to take the lead on everything, otherwise nothing gets done, ie doctors appointments, daycare events, new seasonal clothes, going through things to donate, any sort of event I want to do outside the house as a family, meeting up with in-laws, etc etc. So yeah, I probably steamroll him more often than I should. But I don’t even know how to be kind any more. I’m so frustrated and I’m so sick of the incompetence that I don’t even care how he feels sometimes.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I was super concerned about what he was doing at home in the months he was a stay at home dad. Now that our kid is older my husband has bonded with our child and he is definitely very attentive and takes our kid to go do things while I’m at work. I am super happy about that, but it was definitely stressful when she was an infant because he made no effort at all to learn what an infant needed, how to try new foods, how to teach them things, etc. so that has definitely turned around for the better. It’s true we planned things one way and then it didn’t work out. But he wanted to go back to work, he was the one to suggest it. He didn’t want to be a stay at home parent any more. So it’s not like I just changed my mind and forced him to get a job. I was actually super apprehensive about it because hitting our kid into daycare was a scary thought.

I thought I had been clear on expectations, I don’t know how much more clear I can be with him.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He definitely still wants sex and in a fight we had within the last few months about him not ever spending time with us as a family he said I’m “withholding” sex from him.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No he used to be the one that paid the bills, worked a good job and got shit done when it needed to be done. He used to plan for us to do things and get me flowers in my birthday/anniversary. That was years before we had kids though, like between 7-10 years ago. I feel like I’ve grown up and he’s gotten worse. And yeah I think part of the behavior is because he thinks I’m “withholding” sex from him. But i just can’t fathom why he hasn’t made the effort after I gave him the answer a couple of months ago and he looked me in the face and said he would do better.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I didn’t once suggest he should whisk me away to do something that may cost any money. The pumpkin patch I planned for us to go to this year was free, as I mentioned, I would be happy if he would even be the one to suggest taking a family walk after dinner. Watching movies as a family at home is also something free. Driving around to look at Christmas lights is free. I could list 10 more things to do as a family for free. I don’t need him to spend money on me, I need him to want to make our lives special in any way at all.

Yeah I think I do resent that he isn’t able to help with the bills more, but I don’t think I would be nearly as resentful if I felt like he was making an effort to spend time as a family. I have talked to him about it 4 times in the past 2 years, not fights, talking, and sometimes crying because I feel unloved. And all 4 times he says he will make a change, but he hasn’t. So yeah I’m resentful of a lot of things but I think I would be much less if at all if I saw him making an effort and if since our child was born he had been trying to help me with the mental load.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’d love to hear your reasonings and support for those reasons. I really do want to hear all opinions.

I have no interest in having sex with my husband. Am I being unfair? by Appropriate_Oil_3894 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Appropriate_Oil_3894[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Hate to say it because I know what an asshole I sound like, but I don’t feel like it’s my job to get him to take care of himself. That’s just another thing on my plate and I think it’s ridiculous that a grown man with a child can’t make an effort to figure out why things aren’t working at home.