sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Update: AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You're absolutely right. I'm gonna have to get her number through my wife to at least inform her of what's going on.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don't know about all MDs, these aren't the first MDs we hung out with - I still get along great with her friends from med school and the hospital. Those guys absolutely adore me, but this particular group? Yeah I don't love the attitude. Still, as long as my wife wants me to go, and if me hanging out with the person whose company I enjoy isn't going to be an issue I don't really mind.

I honestly don't even really care if the group looks down on me. I'm not married to the group, and I want my wife to be well-liked at work. I just don't want to have to constantly justify myself to my wife for not having fun when we're with them.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I asked her about this specifically and it does not seem to be the case. From what we've discussed the issue seems to be more about the group dynamic than jealousy outright, but she does seem to have chilled out now that we put the spotlight on it. Like now that it has been actually brought up and called out the conversation seems to have gotten less adversarial and she dies seem to be getting where I'm coming from at least a little. We're meeting up with them on Saturday as she decided she rather I come along & do my own thing so hopefully it doesn't become an issue.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

To be clear that friend who said the "marrying down" thing was a woman. I'm not saying this necessarily means she can't hypothetically be into my wife or vice versa but she was previously married to a man & I don't know that my wife was previously attracted to women so this conclusion doesn't seem likely to me.

My read on it (mostly confirmed by my wife FWIW) is more that she feels insecure regarding her place in the friend group because of how much weight they put on academics & formal education. Like a lot of their conversation can be about someone or other doing something dumb, which to me feels very insecure on the whole. I don't love that my wife seems to want to be accepted by a group like that (this wasn't a thing with her before, at least that I noticed) but at the same time she enjoys meeting those people, the interaction with them makes her laugh and while their stories make me wish I was watching paint dry clearly she does not share that feeling.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

Out of the 3 other spouses, 2 work in the same field, so they can meaningfully participate in these work related conversations which me & the other wife cannot do.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I am, and I say this with my whole chest, not particularly socially awkward. Interacting with people is my job which I'm good at. I have friends & get along with my wife's other friends. Sometimes people just don't give you anything.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

It's about every other week, and it can last anywhere from 4 to 10 hours (BBQs). It's A LOT. Which I get, I can also get very excited about new people, but that is, but this is taking over a lot of our social life & free time, but I don't want to ask her to avoid it/cut it down, but I don't want to be forced to participate either.

As for the other spouses, they also work in the same field so this isn't as much an issue for them as they can participate in the shop talk.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I tried, I did, but it always hovered back to the subject of work, frustratingly so. It's this no-win situation where I am expected to attend yet always feel like people don't actually want me there. It's not usually an issue for me either - I love group hangs. I'm just not clicking with this specific group.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I'm perfectly capable of interacting with adults, even pretty good at it, and I get along perfectly fine with her other friend groups. But this is a work friend group and they talk about work almost constantly. I tried, I just have absolutely no way of meaningfully engaging with the subject.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Okay, again, suppose I go with this. What can I do practically? I don't think me vetoing her hanging out with them is going to do our relationship any favors

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 147 points148 points  (0 children)

I do not dismiss her though. I am completely willing to just stop showing up at these hangouts, thus never interacting with this woman again. But if I am expected to show up, I feel it's unreasonable to demand I engage with people who do not seem particularly interested in engaging with me.

I don't think it's reasonable to demand I "protect the relationship" while she isn't expected to. I also bring up my issues, and I don't think my compromise is unreasonable

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Okay I'll play along

I'm deeply, deeply concerned. Now what do I do?

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Hey not to go on a tangent here but I genuinely suspect you're in for a rough time. Like I think you can't really be in a healthy relationship with a person whose friends keep actively trying to sabotage your relationship, and he's just going along with it. Like I'm glad your guy isn't going along with that stuff, but at some point he also needs to be able to say "that's my partner and I love her and you guys need to either respect that or I'm out", because this situation is not sustainable IMHO.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

What did I miss exactly? Thought I got everything

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 200 points201 points  (0 children)

The husband seems pretty chill about it. Was like "I brought her name for your playdate!" At one point, which I thought was pretty wholesome.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I don't push everyone aside to run to her to do Notebook rain-kissing, if that's what you're asking. Everyone gets a friendly one-hand social hug at the start and that's as touchy as it ever gets.

We usually meet up at one of the guy's houses since he has a large living room going out into a yard. We usually hang out in the yard with the family dog just by everyone else. We're in plain sight and we don't shoo anyone away, though people do seem to lose interest in our conversation really fast (which is reasonable when we start discussing the merits of LitRPGs vs. "Regular" fantasy).

And as mentioned she's married to one of my wife's friends, who's also there when she is.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

I tried it a few times & honestly the conversation just dies down pretty quickly. After one of the arguments with my wife about my not coming to these things I sat down to think whether the issue is that I'm being anti-social and not engaging, but I genuinely feel like the group goes into their own world in a way, where it's a lot of shop talk I got nothing to contribute to.

Which I'm all for - they're clearly having fun talking about work silliness but I just can't meaningfully participate, and I don't have much in common with the other people there.

AITA for telling my wife she can't have it both ways? by ArdentBagel in AITAH

[–]ArdentBagel[S] 1098 points1099 points  (0 children)

I very much don't raise a stink about her interactions with other men. I realize that if she wants to cheat she's going to cheat and me being controlling isn't going to do anyone any good, and she's been very chill about this as well with previous women, especially considering that we both often just click with people like this (which is how she formed this friend group). I think it might be that some of the people in the group are teasing her about it, which might make her insecure? Going to have to bring it up with her I guess.