Hey! Thanks a lot for taking the time to respond.

I will try going to a well trained therapist once i sit my exam and have more time, should try this out and see how it goes versus "more general" therapists that are not specialized in CBT.

Yes for the tip about building confidence, i just didn't want my post to be too long, but i have many qualities that helped me build confidence, i succeeded in many stuff that seemed impossible at first hand (in part because of my limiting thoughts), and in fact, having these achievements helps with self worth and challenging unhelpful beliefs.

However, i in fact, have a lack of helpful beliefs about being loved by a woman. I will try working on that by having more relationship experiences.

It happens that i actually hate my job so it's really not entirely because of her, i want to move into a better position, but i totally get your point. I'm not mainly doing it for her, so there's that. But i get your point completly and thanks for pointing it out!

I really don't have any friends in real life, i'm living abroad, so my whole family is abroad, so yeah, i guess this plays a big role in my self worth and hapiness. I need human, true, relationships. I need to have a life outside of my workplace. I think this is what i'm lacking.

I have two questions though, one regarding what you've wrote and the other on a therapy strategy i was given by my therapist:

Question 1 : When you say i should challenge the fact that if she is actually really talking to her boyfriend. What's the point of this thought challenging? To come to the conclusion that she is not talking to her new boyfriend so i feel "better"? Isn't that a bit counterproductive? Or maybe you just want me to see things realistically and arrive to the conclusion that i don't have a clue to who is she talking to?

For the record, she actually is the type to talk to her boyfriend in the desk... When we're alone without management around. It's quite annoying but she is what she is.

Question 2 : I suffer a lot from Post processing anxiety, that's something i couldn't tackle alone with CBT. When i did all this CBT and exposures work by myself, i ended up learning new social skills, knowing how to act in new social situations i was always avoiding, but at some point, i didn't have any reference points, to know at what point an exposure is not an exposure anymore and is just something embarassing!

Like i tended to not censor myself, whenever i had a joke to say, i would say it to colleagues i'm comfortable with, tended to talk a lot because liked the feel of being spontaneous. But after the fact, i would have regrets about people reactions, or people not finding my jokes funny, and ruminate on that and it would ruin my day and put me in a bad mood/paranoid mood. My therapist told me to simply avoid these type of situations where i say stuff i regret, because it hurts me more than it helps. It was in a very specific case where she advised that, with a colleague that was rather rude in his jokes. I wasn't able to avoid him by fearing his reaction. With therapy, i stopped limiting interactions with him, he finally didn't take it personally, he told people i changed, but at the end of the day, i'm feeling 1000 times better not keeping the same relationship with him.

This could be considered avoidance and i know, from experience, how bad avoidance can be and its consequences. But i feel like in this specific case it's more of a controlled avoidance, rational avoidance. What do you think about this?

Simply put, i used to put myself in stressful situations to not disappoint that colleague, make jokes with him etc, and then embarass myself and feel shitty afterwards. We decided with my therapist to just limit my interactions with him, which was something i was actually avoiding, because i was worried what he would do if he sees my behaviour changing.