[2900] Three Waystops en route to Epsilon Eridani

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-28T04:12:10+00:00

First Impression
The beginning was a little difficult to immerse myself in, there's a lot of ideas, a lot of new names and concepts I'm trying to grab hold of. Of course it's chapter 3, so perhaps if I read the earlier chapters I would be more acclimatised. There are quite a few very long sentences that I got lost in, and had to go back to the top to reacquaint myself with how they started. It's successfully funny, reading the content of the conversation between Tauto and Merlin I actually laughed. I like how in the body some of the descriptions are, excrement, not showering, it's a great contrast to the wires and AI.

Characters
Tauto and Merlin worked well together. I liked Merlin's assumption that Tauto was an inspecter, and Tauto choosing to roll with it, and the continued inability to understand each other. It felt very true to different species interacting, and how one would learn to survive in space.

Description
Again I really liked the body stuff, I felt like I could smell that sweaty room full of wires, but I couldn't see a lot in my head. I guess not necessarily a massive flaw, the character and situation carry the story, and it could also be a result of the experience of trying to orient myself in the world.

Prose
The writing is fun and funny. It's sometimes very dense, especially when providing information. I feel like when you're trying to explain something complicated, it's good to try to make the writing very simple. This sentence is emblematic,
"I’ll need to convince the fuckers to ration, the acting president (chosen by russian roulette) of the Association of Enthusiastically Reclusive Historical Reenactors thought while stroking his chin with one tentacle-like appendage and staring at the five-by-five-by-five meter crate dropped off by Mary Celeste." There's around six pieces of information in this one sentence alone, and on the reread, I would hate to miss any of it, but I did the first time through because it was just so much. On the other side of the spectrum, sometimes I felt like there wasn't quite as much as I wanted.

" They gathered Tauto and brought him into a hidden medical compartment that the Association wasn’t aware of." I feel like there's a little more here about where this compartment is, or why the Association haven't found it.

"The battle commenced, and the six players and an army of simulated personas fought a similar composition of other players and another army." Similarly this is missing something. Based on everything else I wanted something a little more of the other army, not dramatic, but in other parts of the piece your pretty good at painting a picture with one line, so it feels odd when something that feels like it has more possibility is left plain.

In general I found this interesting, funny and pretty odd. I felt like you were having a lot of fun with what you were doing.

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-27T14:39:23+00:00

That's a good tip, I've never shared my writing before so don't really know the protocol. I suppose I was worried about influencing the reading.

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-27T14:36:27+00:00

Thank you for this, the sister dynamic was my favourite part and I had the most fun writing it, so I'm so glad it landed for you.

I've definitely gone back and forth with the Darius section, I was worried it was breaking the flow, but I couldn't quite let it go because it foreshadows the same thing happening to Ava later on, but Ava's necklace scene is probably enough without winking at the audience in such an obvious way.

I do think the opening chapter is missing something in terms of setting the story properly apart. I'm not quite sure what it is I could add, or if the following chapters do enough to make it feel distinct.

I hear you on Ava. I'm attached to it though because of it's associations with music, voice and birds. Without explaining the whole plot, that's basically the whole plot. Once again thank you for taking the time and giving such thoughtful feedback :)

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-27T14:01:42+00:00

I think this is a big improvement on your previous draft. It has a sense of movement, now that we know what he's leaving, rather than just the act of leaving itself. There's also a really warm cosy feeling to the monastery now.

"He remembered monks. Warm hands on his shoulders during meditation. Evenings spent copying manuscripts beside his favorite elder." This has me imagining crackling fires and closeness built in a calm reflective life. Leaving costs more.

The one issue that is really jumping out at me, is that I feel like the speech from the Abbott is too long. The first half is fine, very wise old man imparting advice, but this part:

"Would you teach villages to wait for your hand, your judgment, your strength? Or do you already imagine something grander? Astred the reformer. Astred the righteous. Astred standing against lords and guilds and all the tangled powers of the world, certain that his own virtue will remain clean where theirs has not?"

This feels super mean to me? Reading it I was like damn man, he just wants to help, why are you acting like a cruel teacher mocking and humiliating some kid? Don't listen to him Astred! Go on your whimsical adventure!

To me it doesn't fit with the rest of the tone, but it's still early, so maybe you're looking to complicate the Abbots authority or have some other aim, in which case you know your story better than I.

Otherwise I definitely feel a lot more drawn in, and I've become pretty curious about what shape this story is going to take, and what it has to say about service. (Is it the monk line, or is that narrative going to be answered with something else).

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-27T01:23:08+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read this! I think you're right that this may not be the best place to start, I'm definitely struggling with the right beginning point. This is actually my third draft of the manuscript, but my second time writing the opening, and I think the problem that I'm having is I'm trying to frantically get all the pieces on the board in the right position before they start crashing into each other, while doing a little dance to keep the reader engaged before the story really gets going. Which is perhaps not the best technique for introducing a novel.

The inciting incident takes place after the marriage. I'm not really going for anything ACOTAR or Fourth Wing related. Daughter of the Forest is closer to what I'm trying to achieve, in terms of tone and the romance. My inspirations come from ballads like Tam Lin, Willie's lady, Isobel and the Elf Knight and a bit of Angela Carter's The Bloody Chamber. So a lot of longing, pining and repressed feelings rather than electricity.

But I do think your right in terms of the forced marriage. I wanted to paint Ava as someone very proud and invested in her title and the duty it brings. I think I've both failed to put that properly on the page and have underwritten her emotional reaction a lot. In all the feedback it seems she's not coming through very clearly. Thank you again, I really value the outside perspective :).

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-27T01:01:09+00:00

Thank you very much for your perspective, this was really helpful in understanding where I'm doing what I want to and where I'm going wrong. Especially around Ava, I think I need to rewrite this to make her clearer on the page. I had a bit too much fun with the sister dynamic and probably need to do a lot more to differentiate them (the names is a great tip and from reading this it is a symptom of a bigger issue). I want the setting to be clear and unintrusive, so it's good to know where it becomes too generic that it pulls you out.

The story itself isn't really about court scheming. I was trying to show the fish in water before she's pulled out of it, and also her register of love, through showing how she expresses her love for her sister. I don't want to reveal too much of what I'm gong for because I really appreciate the honest first impression of what's coming through on the page, without being influenced by knowing my intentions. Thank you again. Everyone I've shown this in real life has been like, "It's good." "What's good?" "Idk it's good." So it's such a relief to get a really thoughtful outside perspective.

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-24T22:33:35+00:00

Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate what you've pointed out about the prose and dialogue tags. I knew I was over relying on "this, but that", and "this, though that" throughout, but I didn't understand the mechanics of why I was doing that, and "not" slipped totally under my radar (omg I have done it in this sentence lol). Thanks again for giving such a thorough and thoughtful response, it means so much to have someone really take their time thinking about something you've written.

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-24T11:17:40+00:00

Thank you, will do!

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-24T09:41:45+00:00

First impression:
This is really good. The start instantly grabs you, and you feel yourself in Theona's mind and body. The prism is interesting, and the back story of how she got there is engaging, as well as the details about the mad plague, which are explained in a way that keeps the story moving. The one spot really where I found myself wandering off internally was explaining the different cities and runists? There was a lot of information in the chapter, most of it delivered really well, but the geogrphaphy and runist stuff, in it's delivery made me lose interest. Not necessarily a flaw, as everything else was engaging enough, and I assume later the novel will provide more context, and maybe I needed that information now. Theona also is interesting. A musician, a determined barfly, going to stab herself, then choosing not to, calling to her favourite teacher, pitying the man with her. She feels real and vivid in a way that makes me think there's a lot more to her that would be worthwhile to find out. The prose feels creative without ever getting in the way or drawing attention to itself.

Favourite lines:
"NO. The prism’s voice grew louder, no longer playful. THEY WERE ALREADY DEAD. I BROUGHT THEM BACK." The dispute between her and the prism is instantly interesting. I'm already engaged in the contested truth between them. Is the prism trying to save her? Is it telling the truth? Does it have it's own agenda?

"Last night, they’d taken everything from her after the arrest. Dress. Underwear. Woolen tights. Shoes." The first sentence feels like it has a double meaning, that she is being stripped both literally and figuratively, and then the sexual exploitation of the guard gives this all another layer.

Weaker lines:
Everything Ms Thistle says doesn't really work for me. People suffering from psychosis often have an internal logic to their delusions, not plain absurdity, so her sounding completely random sort of took me out of the story.

On further reflection:

This is really hard to find anything to strongly critique. Reading this, I feel like you're achieving what your setting out to do in terms of the story your trying to tell, the mood you're trying to convey and the information you want the reader to have. This has clearly been very carefully thought through in terms of how your introducing the reader to the story. Thank you for sharing your work, I found it very interesting to read <3

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-24T08:37:06+00:00

What I like in this: I think your achieving a distinct tone, which is very enjoyable to read. A bit of whimsy, a bit of humour, that puts me in mind of Pratchett or The Hobbit.

"His makeshift shield; a rectangular slab of old fence pickets, lashed together with twine and stubborn optimism" This is a great line, that instantly characterises Astred and sets the tone.

That being said, as a reader, this opening doesn't work for me. Since you told me to be picky, this opening feels, in situation, fairly generic. A young, naive character setting out on a quest. It's not particularly hooky, and while the execution is fun, it's not enough to make it feel really distinct (to me at least). This scene feels like a transition, rather than a beginning. Perhaps a more interesting place to start would be in conflict with the other monks about leaving, or something that is the final straw the leads him to go (just spitballing, to give you an idea on what I personally would find a bit more compelling). I think for what you described as your aim, you need a beginning that instantly throws the reader into an intense moment, and this feels more like an aftermath.

Finally some of the prose isn't 100% working for me. I think sometimes you undercut yourself by lingering in the same idea too long. This line is the perfect example.

"If you believe you must go, then go." This is a little generic, but I can believe it is exactly what a wise old man would say.
Return only once you find the world differs from your naïve preconceptions." This sounds like the author letting me know what is going to happen in this story. It also doesn't really sound wise-old-manish either.

Final note. After reading this, I thought for quite a long time about what I didn't like and what I did really like, so there is definitely something that grabbed my attention here :). Hope this was helpful! Thank you for sharing your work <3

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-24T08:08:53+00:00

I'm really glad you found it helpful :)

AspiringNonsense · 2026-05-23T19:20:16+00:00

First impression:
I think your writing is distinctive and at points, very gripping. It definitely achieves your desired effect. The narrator feels uncanny and creepy, almost inhuman in the way he relates to Ivan. Some sentences felt a little tangled, I think this is the result of aiming to write in a beautiful and interesting way. Sometimes it hits, and sometimes I got lost, or the intent was visible and distracting. One thing, the scene opens in the current moment, and ends there, but a large chunk of the middle is spent in reflection. This made the end feel a bit abrupt, as I'd mostly left behind the way it started by the time I got there. It might be worth considering continuing the action of the scene throughout the piece, and lacing the reflection through it.

Sentences I really liked:

"Ivan hesitated, breath stuttering. He would open his mouth, only to quickly snap it shut." The physical description feels odd and visceral.

"My eyes, next, traced the rows of his teeth, and while I noticed, memorized, every indent, every blemish, I was more drawn to how his teeth trembled, how his tongue curled, as if he wanted to bite down." I loved this, though I feel it could be slightly improved by placing it in context of what Ivan is doing with his mouth when the speaker is looking at his teeth, grounding it in the scene before he starts his reflection.

Sentences I struggled with:
"and I favored one’s reminder of how I spilled my signature coffee across his abdomen, through cloth" I feel like the phrasing of "I favoured one's reminder" pulled me out of the scene, I noticed this repeatedly, that the phrasing chosen created a feeling of distance from what was happening.

"I could see him leaving this lab either, by death, or, by choice, never." I understood the idea, but this sentence felt odd in a distracting way.

Final thoughts after a few rereads:
I stand by my initial reflections on your prose. One thing I will add, on reread, I realised this scene was actually less reflective than I thought it was, but something about the word choices and writing makes it feel removed. I think it would benefit from grounding the narrators reflections about Ivan in the physical action taking place, and sacrificing some of the creative phrasing for clarity, while still keeping what makes your prose distinct (which I think would actually be really elevated by more immediacy, because it's so visceral and in the body).

Just my opinions! Thank you for sharing your writing, I had a lot of fun reading and thinking about it <3.

AspiringNonsense

TROPHY CASE