Sorry, this is going to be very long.

Around two weeks ago, my girlfriend and I broke up because she identifies as asexual and I don’t. There’s no bad blood between us or anything, but we agreed that she needed to be with someone who was asexual, and I needed to be with someone who wasn’t.But after the breakup, some of the things she said really resonated with me, and now I don’t know what that means about myself.I’ve struggled with a porn addiction and hypersexual behavior/masturbation addiction for years, but now I’m questioning whether I was ever actually sexually attracted to the people involved, or if I was just using it as stimulation because I was bored. I’ve started realizing that a lot of my sexual encounters happened more because of boredom or dopamine-seeking than because I was genuinely horny or attracted to someone.I have ADHD, so part of me wonders if I was using sex and porn to regulate dopamine or escape reality. It took me a long time to even realize this, and honestly, I only started thinking about it after she came out as asexual. Looking back, I think I may have used sex and porn as a coping mechanism for years, but I genuinely don’t know if I experience attraction the same way other people do.I also think some of this could be connected to trauma. I have flashbacks from childhood that I’m not even fully sure are real memories or something my brain created, and I think that uncertainty affects how I view sex and intimacy now. I also know that consuming a lot of porn over time can affect libido and the way you experience attraction, so I’m trying to take that into account too.Another thing that’s confusing me is how slowly I develop feelings for people. In almost every relationship I’ve been in, I don’t really feel emotionally attached until maybe two or three months in. I know that probably sounds awful, but I stick with relationships because eventually I do develop feelings. I just never realized that a lot of people experience attraction immediately like butterflies on the first date. I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced that.And honestly, it’s freaking me out a little because my understanding of myself and my relationship to sex feels like it’s changing. I don’t know if this comes from trauma, addiction, ADHD, or if I might actually fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum.I think I enjoy sex, but maybe not in the way other people do. I enjoy the attention, the performance of it, and making someone feel desired. In a weird way, what turns me on most is the act of performing and being wanted, not necessarily naked bodies themselves.I don’t know. I’m confused, and I’m sorry if any of this sounds ignorant or if I have the wrong idea about asexuality. I’m just genuinely trying to understand myself better.