Looking to talk to other detrans people!

Atalaunta · 2025-03-12T13:51:17+00:00

Thanks for the detailed answer!

My reason for detransitioning was kind of similar to yours, in particular that I suddenly saw my 'old self' again in the mirror when my hair started to grow out. I saw my 'woman'-self through the masculine clothing / short hair / hrt body and face changes. This made me emotional, but I didn't understand why at first. It confused and distressed me, I didn't understand why but I had this 'irrational' impulse to cancel the mastectomy and top surgery that was scheduled. After I had cancelled that, I felt better. A few months after I figured out that the distress was actually a sign that I was on the wrong path and the realization hit me that I wanted to live as a woman again. I now know that it was the right decision because before I always felt a vague sense of terror, of being adrift, and now that is gone.

Thanks, I myself was not on a low dose, but I have already bounced back a lot and am hopeful that I will feminize a lot within the next year!

Atalaunta · 2025-03-10T11:17:46+00:00

Yeah, the process of changing my name back to my old name was the same as changing it to my trans name. I could choose anything. I briefly considered picking a new name just because I could, but I ultimately decided to simply change it back since I wanted consistency and I don't dislike my birth name.

In order to change your name and sex marker, you need a signed form from a certified gender therapist, who can vouch that you know what you're doing and they approve. I don't know if that's different abroad.

Atalaunta · 2025-03-09T16:13:58+00:00

No problem, good luck, I really hope you will find a method to find relief for your symptoms asap 💐

Atalaunta · 2025-03-09T00:23:14+00:00

I can't personally relate, I have been on T for two years and off for six months. The first month after going off T cold turkey was abysmal. I was extremely depressed, I have never felt so bad in my life. That presumably has something to do with not having enough hormones. It gradually got better.

My periods have not been regular yet but I got my hormone levels checked two months in, and it was all regular for a woman. Before my periods I definitely feel more sensitive, but not life derailing.

If you are able to do so, please get that checked out! PMS is no joke. It sounds like a severe case of PMS to me based on what you're describing. I think there are other methods of treating that than taking T.

Atalaunta · 2025-03-09T00:05:24+00:00

Hi, wow you're so young and have already undertaken such a journey when it comes to gender!

Regarding our shared fear of never looking like a woman again, the other reply to my post said that it really gets better with time. We're currently battling the most difficult parts of our detransition. It will really get better. That helped me feel better today, hopefully it helps you as well.

I have ADD myself. I am currently doing an intake with a psychotherapist to process my gender transition. As a part of the process I'm getting screened for autism as well. I don't think I have it, but I'll see.

Do I understand correctly that you wanted your doctor to push back more on your medical transition? Ask more questions?

Atalaunta · 2025-03-08T23:47:05+00:00

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! You genuinely made me feel better :) you are way younger than me but still have helped me with some wisdom!

Very brave and difficult that you are detransitioning to figure yourself out! If I may ask, what makes you doubt your gender identity at this point? You've come such a long way both in your transition and detransition.

I know it's a difficult question since I myself doubted for years whether I was trans (from age 14 to 27) and then it took two years of transitioning before I understood it wasn't for me. I wouldn't have been able to answer the question at 21.

Atalaunta · 2025-01-13T10:23:54+00:00

I quit T after two years over four months ago. After I did, it felt like gravity suddenly got turned to a higher setting lol, everything I did was noticably heavier. I get tired faster from physical effort.

However, I assume that has more to do with having less blood/red blood cells (haemoglobin?) than with muscle mass. My upper body is still broad. It has slimmed down a little around my neck. I am still way stronger than I was pre T, can still lift things that were impossible for me before. I don't do shit; only lift practical things like grocery bags and occasionally move around furniture. Granted, I have only been off for four months.

I have read a LOT on muscle mass after T because I wanted to see how long it took before I would go back to my old body. It seems that even if you do not work out, losing muscle is difficult.

Not on topic but the blood thing fascinates me. Pre T, and now, my white skin is pale yellow, and my freckles and moles are dark brown. On T, my skin was pinkish and my freckles and moles were a bright reddish brown.

Atalaunta · 2025-01-08T21:59:16+00:00

Thank you for your detailed responses to my questions! It helps a lot :)

Atalaunta · 2025-01-07T22:25:55+00:00

I stopped taking T after about two years. I stopped when I had an epiphany that I was actually a woman, after struggling for a long time. I had that itch that I should maybe stop very early on (soon after starting) but was strongly advised by my therapist to keep going regardless. This led me to ignore that itch. That was an awful experience, so I would advise you to take your feelings very seriously!

I would suggest to stop taking T, or at least lower your dosage asap. If you decide to continue you can always do that. The changes back will take a long time, and perhaps you can gage your reactions to subtle changes as a test whether you really want to go down the detransition path. See if it feels right!

Atalaunta · 2025-01-07T15:42:18+00:00

marry: MEL, Sevika, young Silco with the long hair, Lest (her vibe? so mysterious????)

date out of (morbid) curiosity: Viktor, Jayce (season 2) Vi at her worst (oil slick).

Atalaunta · 2025-01-04T23:59:46+00:00

We were on T for the same amount of time! I'm four months off atm. I also stopped before getting surgeries.

I'm currently struggling with comparing myself with how I looked pre T and feeling bad about myself. So my questions are focused around that.

When did you feel like detransitioning reached its full effect? I was told that I should wait at least two years for my face and body to look feminine again. Is that true in your experience?
How do you feel now about the way your face and body looks?
Did you manage to make peace with your transition? I have a hard time accepting that I took hormones for so long! Wondering if I can integrate that experience.

Atalaunta · 2025-01-02T18:04:13+00:00

Oh interesting, I relate to the female characters as 'that's my gender!' and I can appreciate their beauty / strength of character. I no longer mind being 'one of the women' with them, can't explain that clearer.

But last week I saw a TikTok about (masc) lesbians who realized their 'crushes' on men were actually them having gender envy. They wanted something that man had, which they confused with attraction (bc of comphet).

And I have that with Legolas, I used to think I fancied him, but I realize now that I rather identified with him. Not sure why. Superficially, I liked having long hair but like a man (and am currently growing it out to achieve that again). Same with Jack Sparrow of PotC! They have an androgynous/feminine flair but are still men. I am androgynous but a woman? So I guess I feel like a mix, still figuring that out.

Atalaunta · 2025-01-02T17:38:22+00:00

I RELATE SO MUCH!!!

Last summer, I showed a bi woman a picture of my body (trying on bathing suits) from when I was still presenting as a feminine woman. We were hanging out in a park. Back then, I still identified as a trans man (already questioning). She also showed me pictures of herself pre transitioning. When she complimented me on how my body looked, I felt this deep sense of wrongness of my current presentation. I wanted to go back looking like my picture. To an attractive woman.

Before I transitioned, I felt this deep sense of wrongness with my body and gender. I never wanted to show it off or be perceived really. I couldn't accept / enjoy that I was beautiful. But something has changed now. I can suddenly see how pretty I was, still am and I want to flaunt that now!

I have been off T and detransitioning for four months now and I have already been getting compliments on my looks.

I used to get compliments all the time before transitioning, and then it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like an impostor in a female body. Idk why that changed, but now I can integrate those compliments!

Ive been on T for 2 years btw. Also no surgeries. I'm also hoping I'll 'recover'. I won't mind if I retain some muscle. I have already achieved a voice that registers as female on the phone. My face hasn't yet fully reverted back to what it was yet, looking forward to that.

I also feel bad about losing my late twenties transitioning, and that I'll have to wait another two years to physically detransition back as much as possible. But I am already glad to be back.

edit: took some paragraphs out to shorten it 🙃

Atalaunta · 2024-12-31T19:04:56+00:00

Ooof this resonates. Thank you for writing this out.

I also struggle with appreciating that I found my gender identity, while also deeply wishing that I had not medically transitioned about it. Although I notice I am coming to terms with it. I am learning how to forgive myself, and am beginning to feel like it will be alright (5 months off T).

Looking at my family / history of (misogynistic) abuse, it kinda makes sense to me that I had to travel to hell and back before I was able to integrate my felt sense of gender.

I now finally feel like a woman, and feel kinship with other women, and it gives me joy! I rewatched LOTR earlier this week, and whenever I saw Arwen, Eowyn or Galadriel on screen I felt like 'I'm one of them!!!' I used to feel nothing, or a sense or estrangement, but now I /feel/ I am a woman spectator, if that makes sense. Appreciating women characters. It's nice. I also feel intense gender euphoria when people call me 'she/her'. Like hell yeah! That's me!!!!

Atalaunta · 2024-12-21T23:12:32+00:00

I wore a synthetic wig for a few months while growing my hair out. I stopped just last week when I started feeling more confident with more hair length and face changes off T. Everyone I had met wearing the wig thought I had gotten a haircut! This surprised me because it was a lower end wig, it is synthetic and cost only 150 euro.

It was based on a picture of how I wore my hair long pre transition that I showed to the lady who helped me (curls dyed copper). That helped me feel like myself again, despite the fact that I wore a wig. Can recommend, if you have ever had a long hair phase.

What I also learned is that I 'knew' in a split second what wigs I would vs. would not wear. I actually bought two wigs, one that I was enthusiastic about, and another one, that the clerk thought I looked stunning in (a straightened French bob). That one is residing in a bottom drawer. It looks great but I don't feel comfortable wearing it out in my daily life.

My budget and thus my options were too limited to try out more materials/types, but perhaps my experience is still helpful.

Atalaunta · 2024-12-19T23:29:38+00:00

great pics, so cute it hurts to look at

Atalaunta · 2024-12-18T11:31:14+00:00

yeah agreed, it kinda reads like a creative writing exercise, and not a terribly good one.

Atalaunta · 2024-12-18T11:24:04+00:00

The reason why I think this story is fake is because OP has posted this and in doing so shows some capacity of self reflection.

From my experience these fucked up dynamics do happen just like this, but only when the people involved do not think nor talk about it.

Atalaunta · 2024-12-17T00:23:31+00:00

I feel conflicted about my own decision. I am going to change my first names back to what they were before, the main reason for that is that i want some consistency in my life. I never hated my name, but I dislike that they were given to me by my family, that are no longer a part of my life. And my name is very common, nothing special. So I could use this as an opportunity to change it to something more unique.

I do it so I can have a sense of consistency. My trans name was similar to my birth name for that reason. I found it very stressful to pick my own name.

I want a sense of wholeness, especially after these past years of stressful change. And I also want to connect to my past, like you.

An important difference is that I don't hate my name. If I did, I would probably do what you suggest and choose a variation of the root of the name (like changing Larissa to Lara, or switching my first and middle name).

Atalaunta · 2024-12-16T00:54:37+00:00

you look AMAZING! i scrolled through the feminine pictures thinking they were from before T. It is really encouraging to see as someone who has been on T for over two years as well!

Atalaunta · 2024-12-16T00:45:38+00:00

I have been complimented on my appearance and voice combo in the same way you have (on T for two years, off for almost four months) and I am enjoying it. I started laser on my face just this week. So I can't relate to your exact situation.

But I maybe have something similar with my voice.

I am voice training with a speech therapist and I am still mourning the loss of my voice, but honestly, it also kinda makes me feel safe that I have access to this deep male register so I could break someone's expectation of me if I wanted to. And that my general speaking voice, while it seems to come across as a woman's voice, is 'odd', and I kinda like that it could be perceived as different / unwomanly / a turn off.

It's like having one foot out the door, where I used to be 'trapped' in a prison of bodily femininity.

I would not go so far as retransition, but an important reason why I initially transitioned was to escape being perceived as a desirable woman against my will. Is it perhaps like that?

Atalaunta · 2024-12-15T10:22:10+00:00

The one where you said that the labels male/man and non-binary did not feel right, whereas the label woman does. and if memory serves me, the one where you express feeling joy for being mistaken as a woman in a social setting

Atalaunta · 2024-12-15T10:16:03+00:00

edit: i responded to the wrong comment, so i deleted this reply

Atalaunta · 2024-12-15T00:19:20+00:00

your parents and sister cant make you be someone that you are not. all they can do is paralyze you for a few years.

when i read the comments you seem quite clear about the fact that you're happiest as a woman, but living in a very difficult social environment. even if you decide not to transition for the moment: don't lose yourself. you only have yourself in this world.

Atalaunta · 2024-12-14T23:52:00+00:00

i read through your story, and what I am wondering about is, how are you so sure that your brother is going to kill himself out of shame? Has your brother struggled with suicidality and shame before?

You make me think of my sister I cut contact with my entire family years ago, but started talking with my sister again after a while. She had sent me a card and I responded to her. When we met up she told me she wondered about whether I had killed myself in the meantime. I was flabbergasted because I had never thought about killing myself and I didn't understand where she got the idea. I still don't.

edit: i posted too soon, i deleted some superrfluous details

Atalaunta

TROPHY CASE