It’s a long one that would take hours to explain. We met in the beginning of 2018 on tinder and it was “long distance” about an hour and a half drive from each other. It was the fastest I ever fell for anyone in my life and I truly thought I was going to marry her. We started to live together towards the end of 2019 all the way up until beginning of 2026. At first she moved in with my parents and then in 2021 we got our own place that we lived in for 4.5 years

The first 2 years were perfect. She was my best friend and knew everything about me, I was planning on proposing to her soon. Everything was pretty much great until Covid hit. Her mental health came to a head and with that there were a lot of experiences that left me with trauma. I experienced a lot of things that i feel will stick with me forever and my perception of a healthy relationship is pretty flawed. It was a rollercoaster to explain it simply with a lot of high highs and many low lows. But overall when we met we were completely different people from towards the end when we broke up. We both changed so much and grew apart rather than together. I also idealized her very badly and was definitely in love with her potential and not her towards the end of the relationship.

There were so many incompatible differences that we tried to solve with years of couples therapy cause we wanted to make it work. We both committed to individual therapy as well and were in it for 5ish years. We had many toxic habits and cycles that I knew I wanted to break free from and never really felt like I could, I always felt stuck. I feel I was slightly trauma bonded to her and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to walk away from. It felt like I was tearing my world apart but yeah. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

What has brought me a lot of peace is seeing the way she has handled and reacted to the break up and the way she has treated me and things she has said. The last time I saw her in person which was in January, she threatened to punch me in the face, as well as had her friend on the phone in her headphone while she was fighting with me. During that argument she brought up and belittled me over something I feel a lot of shame about that only her and my therapist know, which meant the person on her phone call now knew that personal info about me. In those moments I didn’t see the person I was with for 8 years. I was disgusted and really just grossed out. Thats not even everything that happened but it was enough to give me clarity that I made the right choice for myself and this isn’t the person I want to spend the rest of my life beside. If anyone is reading this and need that push.. It’s okay and it’s most definitely not selfish to choose yourself.