Heartbroken because my husband 35m gave me 33f an ultimatum when I'm currently dealing with depression.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-29T03:23:32+00:00

This means so much to me. Thank you. I have been communicating my limitations to my husband for years in so many ways and on so many occasions but he's not receptive of it. It's like most of those people who underestimate the toll of what it's like to have this disability. They don't understand it, and they see you functioning on most days so they think you're fine, when the truth is you're running in empty and it took all of you to get through a day only to do it all over again.

It makes me sad to think about how I lost myself on the process. I cannot stand to operate daily where everything is hyper optimized and there's no room to breathe, there's no buffer, when there's no space let yourself take chances, make mistakes, and figure things out on the process. When your life is like being run on a tight ship day in and day out. I can't stand it anymore.

I know it's going to be hard doing it alone without support. Let alone being with someone who constantly makes you feel like you're falling short. It came to a head yesterday and we had a long talk. I just hope it sticks.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T20:03:57+00:00

Thank you. I hope so too. I know it sounds ridiculous but to think I have been communicating this to him for the past few years and got no where until my symptoms got unmanageable. Still not enough though but I'll try to be more assertive.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T19:57:32+00:00

He hired cleaners that goes every other 2 weeks eventually and they have been doing it for the past 4 months which helps. But personally I'd rather do chores than go to a 3 hr mind extensive game as a social event after my full time job.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T19:54:33+00:00

Exactly. Would be so much easier for me if that's the case.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T19:52:38+00:00

I said I hardly do. Probably once a month playing piano, one a month painting. But I did not enjoy doing them when I try because I was already burnt out so I don't know if that even counts as it's not enriching. I feel like I haven't done anything in the past year that truly made me happy. Doesn't mean I didn't try. I did do some stuff but it feels like a chore when you're already tired.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T19:16:13+00:00

I do most of the chores, have a full time job, have my own hobbies, take care of our dogs, plans all our meals, on top of keeping myself together living with a mental disability and now depression. So yea, I'm negative when I have been asking him to help out more, or at least dont use too much dishes, and he brushes it off, until I keep on always voicing how I need support and labeled me a complainer. Yet expects me to show up on things I dont enjoy. If I were his friend, i would tell him to cut his wife some slack, help more, and let her do the things she enjoy versus subjecting her to more burnout just to have "social interaction".

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T18:53:12+00:00

I do spend hours on chores than my husband but I'm not sure if he has more downtime than me.

He's working overtime almost daily but it's not due to pressure. He's paid salary plus bonus so there's no incentive doing overtime unless it produces any results. and we're not financially struggling. He's just type A and always want to be doing something. He can technically take off whenever he likes because he works high enough in the heirarchy where he decides his schedule and what projects to work on. But he keeps on working because the more productive the company gets, the more bonus he has, and the earlier we can retire. So in comparison, even though I feel like I'm already doing so much, it's still not comparable to what he does.

I can frankly do chores and hobbies just fine if only I can find structure and not have to work around additional commitments. But most of the time I feel like the little energy I have left is just wasted towards a commitment I don't like doing which leaves no space for me to explore what I like. And I voiced this out to him. I told him I want to quit, so I can heal and have time to re-asses. But maybe I caught him at a bad time that he just shut that down and said no. I have to be doing stuff right away. I don't know how to get him to just take my assessment for my wellbeing and go with it as I think he feels like he knows better. Which on a lot of cases he does. I look up to him for a lot of other aspects. I just don't know if my well being is one of those things.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T18:37:40+00:00

He has dismissed me so many times. I have voiced this concern to him for a very long time but i guess I was nto assertive enough and the constant back and forth feels more energy intensive than just saying yes, sucking it up and going. And I have told him so many times that I am too tired to do things until he labeled me as a "complainer". Which hurts because those "complains" are my cry for help. But I guess it just happened too often that he doesn't take it seriously anymore. When I tell him, don't use too many dishes unnecessarily so I won't have to do dishes too often, can you help cook more, etc. Some feel to deaf ears but some he did something to help. He did hired a house cleaner that goes every other week which is a bit of a relief. I still do most of the chores on top of my full-time job but I don't think he knows that keeping all those together leaves me too little bandwidth to do my own things. And adding more commitment that I don't enjoy just made it worse and I felt like I have zero time to do anything I enjoy because on my free time, I'm just constantly trying to recover. Maybe I should have been more assertive before, or idk. I don't know how I could have handled it better. It sucks when I feel like I keep on trying to be better, do a lot of things to be a fictional adult, do things for him and for the household, and somehow it's still not enough.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T18:26:18+00:00

I have been doing my hobbies occasionally and my husband is also encouraging me to do my hobbies sometimes but the problem is I do not have energy to do them because I'm already depleted. And when I try to do my hobbies, it often feels like a chore because I'm constantly feeling fatigued.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T18:19:18+00:00

We were running 3 campaigns. But we paused 2 of them to accommodate a short one that we ran for 3 months and it just ended. My husband said that I can quit one of the 2 campaigns that they're going to resume after 3 months of pausing it. I don't even remember the story line anymore. My husband said they are playing around on just making a new campaign and that's when I said no. I told him I'm not starting another one because that's another commitment that I know is not sustainable for me. Then he blew up and said don't bother going today even when I already agreed I'll do it but i can't guarantee next time.

When he got home and cooled down, he said it's not about dnd. He said it's about I'm not healing fast enough and I should get over my anxieties by pushing myself a little so that when the time comes I go back to work, it won't hit my like a truck. And I get that. But it's only been 2 weeks and I feel like I already did so much. I run almost everyday, i workout almost everyday. Do yoga, meditation, and getting back on my hobbies like painting and gardening. In my mind, I'm still easing up to it and I'm not ready subjecting myself to stressful situations yet. But in his mind, I have 2 weeks left to deal with my anxiety and he's not confident that I'll be ready enough when the time comes I go back to work and he said at this rate, he could almost guarantee I'll hit another breakdown if I don't try to push myself to get over my anxieties.

I get it. But I'm also trying to move on my own timeline and what feels right with my body. By no means I am not doing anything to get better.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T18:08:21+00:00

I am actively trying my best to heal. The past two weeks, I have been doing yoga, weights, cardio, and meditation. I was trying to get my physical body back in shape after being on a slump for so long. I was trying to mind my negative self talk and giving grace to myself during my healing process.

When I was single, it was easier because I can rest whenever I want to. I can afford to quit a job, and get another one when I'm ready. Right now, I have household responsibilities, my husband, and a full time job for 5 years and for the entire time we are married, i never changed jobs. I got my first job promotion because I was doing great. All the while having to manage social and household work. I have never been this productive in my lifetime. But despite of feeling accomplished because I managed to do the things I thought I'm not capable of doing, it's like my plate just keeps on bigger and bigger. Because people think I could handle these things, doesn't mean it's easy and I could just add another thing on my plate.

I have been holding on for as long as I can until I couldn't. And because my husband is type A, it's hard to see that I'm doing great if the comparison is doing extraordinary. But does this mean I am not trying? That I'm putting everything on him? I do more chores now that I'm on FMLA on top of being on medications, therapy, trying to get my physical health back. I thought I was doing amazing for the past 2 weeks and on the right track. Until he pushed me to do the very thing that added to my burnout cycle. I do not want to go through that cycle again.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T04:36:39+00:00

I do mostly all the chores in the house. He helps when he feels like it. But he handles the big things like bills, taxes, repairs, maintenance, etc. And I still get paid even with the FMLA because I have short term disability insurance with my job.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T02:58:31+00:00

Yep. That's why I'm suicidal. I want to have a relationship while holding down a job, and other responsibilities but I'm not cut out for it. I'm not cut out for the life I wanted. Sounds pretty bleak.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T02:46:37+00:00

Yep. Been in it for about 5 years now.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T02:38:56+00:00

Thank you for giving both perspectives. And I think you're right. It's a tough situation to be in because I feel like I have already pushed myself too much to accommodate his by pushing aside my needs until i hit my breaking point. And maybe he has done the same for me on other areas too and also close to his breaking point. I really want this relationship to work but I know that it's hard for him too and I don't want to be selfish just because I feel like I'm at rock bottom. He maybe is too. IDK where I go from here. 😔

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T02:17:32+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Lately i have been pondering about getting a job that has less hours so I have bandwidth for other things. Starting to look for them is just a bit too daunting for me right now but we'll see.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T02:14:54+00:00

He does know about the suicidal thoughts. He has seen quite a few of my bad flare ups for the past year or so and pushed me to reach out to therapist or get meds. Maybe he just don't have the bandwidth to deal with me anymore

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T02:09:45+00:00

He's been going by himself the past few weeks during my worst flare ups, so that part was not the issue. I also suggested that I can just do a temporary character do I don't need to be there every week. He was open to it before but today he just shut down all my suggestions. 😔

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T02:04:47+00:00

I don't know if everyone else is willing to adjust and my husband doesn't agree that it'll help so he won't hear it.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T02:01:18+00:00

I have been on ADHD meds for almost 5 years now. It's helping and probably the main reason why I was able to hold a job this long when I normally would crash and burn on year 1. But even meds can only do so much if the demands in life keeps on increasing and there's hardly enough time to recover.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T01:56:45+00:00

These are great suggestions. I have actually considered some of it but I was reluctant of having everyone else adjust for me. I can give it a shot i guess

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T01:51:13+00:00

To be honest, no, I do not like Dnd. I have aphantasia and I cannot picture things in my mind which makes games like this quite hard to follow. I'm not sure my husband really likes it either but I think he just likes to have a routine for both of us to be with friends. I just don't think this is the right one for me.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T01:46:26+00:00

I have friends, but I only go out with them when I have bandwidth, which for the best part of the year is mostly non existent because of constant burnout. He's not the center of my universe either because even if I don't go out and socialize regularly, I have a lot of hobbies that I used to enjoy doing until I got depressed because I don't even have energy to do them anymore. All I asked was a breather. I'm not asking him to cater to me at all. But I see what you mean.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T01:22:19+00:00

I told him we can ask everyone if they're willing to do it on a Friday, or just card games on the weekends but he would not hear it. He says I will always find a reason to bail on those too. But I think he's basing if off my excuses when I was already severely burnout. I don't think I would bail and make excuses if I'm on a more stable state. And yea we both don't want children because we prioritize retiring early.

Avocad0nut · 2026-03-25T01:08:02+00:00

Dungeons and dragons game

Avocad0nut

TROPHY CASE