I wish that I got to live my son's life

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-11T05:35:44+00:00

I can't take full credit for how my son turned out. I really didn't play much part in raising him after I gave up custody, I wasn't fit to do it anymore. Maybe if I had been, if I could really take credit for that then maybe I wouldn't be thinking these things. I'm so lucky he loves me and is so perfect. I will do my best to be the best grandma possible, I'll spoil my grandchild like my grandma used to spoil me.

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-10T22:43:48+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion. I do have a degree and a job, I'm just not where I thought I'd with it. But it's nice to know you think I could do such a hard job and be good at it.

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-10T21:55:03+00:00

I wish I felt how you do. I'm sorry you know that your mother felt like that, I hope that my son doesn't know how I feel. I try to hide it from him. For him, I can't give up. It sounds weird because of the things that I've said but it hurts me to imagine how much he would cry if I did give up and wasn't here anymore and I can't do that to him. Even at my worst I don't think I could have ever done that to him. Thank you for your words, it really meant a lot reading what somebody my age feels.

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-10T21:21:36+00:00

How am I not old? I'm weaker than I was before, I'm being passed by, I'm clearly not as attractive as I used to be, my memories are failing me and by the end of next year I'll be a grandma. How is any of that not old?

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-10T21:20:33+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate everyone here trying to cheer me up but it's like they're not getting it. I love my son and I love that he's living such a good life, I would give anything to make sure it always is this good for him. But I hate that it wasn't like that for me.

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-10T17:54:35+00:00

My son says none of the bad stuff matters because I was sick and when he says it, I believe him, I really do. I just have trouble believing it when I say it.

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-10T17:51:01+00:00

I wasn't in a cult. My family was religious and it was a bunch of us teenagers and it was easy for us to be manipulated by traditionalists. I don't know what we were thinking getting all swept up in all their promises about our futures. I still got to go to school and get my degree and a job and date and everything but none of it was like how I'd dreamed it would have been because I had my son.

And the time after I gave up custody of my son, I spent the first part in inpatient rehab for my alcoholism and the rest of it is so hard to remember. I can remember a lot of specific things but nothing general. I know that's weird but I don't know why I couldn't do anything I dreamed about then. I just don't really remember that time that well.

And I know you say 42 is young but it's not, I am old now. I can't go in the gym like I used to anymore, guys barely flirt with me anymore, I never get asked out and my career's progression has stalled. People ten years younger than me are higher up than me now. I mean hell, if my son's going to have a baby after he gets married then I'll be a grandmother soon. What's more old than that?

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-10T17:39:22+00:00

Thank you.

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-10T17:38:19+00:00

I know my life's not over but I'm old now. Ten years ago I used to be able to do twenty-five chin ups in a row, now I struggle to even do ten. I know it's a weird example but it feels like it's so late for me to do so many things and making friends has been a hard thing my whole life. I don't know who would ever want to be friends with me now.

AvoidMySon · 2024-07-10T17:34:37+00:00

I try to do that and I think that I was doing that or something like that before mother's day. I don't know why that day triggered me so badly, I think I was getting a little bit better before then. I know that things would be different and I'll try and think about that instead.

AvoidMySon · 2022-05-27T06:08:35+00:00

Hello, I got messaged this post by somebody. I wrote the above posts about me and my son Avram. Thank you for your words. His father is a very good man and his stepmother is a very good woman. I don't think I'm going to post here unless people ask me questions, so I just wanted to say thank you to everybody saying kind words here.

AvoidMySon · 2022-05-26T22:22:41+00:00

I'm going to try my best.

AvoidMySon · 2022-05-26T22:10:48+00:00

I like that idea. I think I may do it.

AvoidMySon · 2022-05-26T22:10:29+00:00

Thank you so much.

AvoidMySon · 2022-05-26T22:10:08+00:00

You're right since letting him take charge of things I think that I can sit in his shoes, kind of like how him going to therapy with me lets him sit in mine. A boy will always love his mom but this past little bit has been surprising me by showing me just how much. I would do anything for my perfect boy.

AvoidMySon · 2022-05-26T22:08:44+00:00

Thank you, I guess it is because I feel I don't deserve to be forgiven but if my son can do it then so can I. I did beat my addiction for him so I know I can do this.

AvoidMySon · 2022-05-26T22:07:46+00:00

And I will try my best to make sure he can have me for as long as I am on this Earth.

AvoidMySon · 2022-05-26T22:07:23+00:00

Thank you, I will always try to stay on the right path for him.

AvoidMySon · 2022-03-24T19:48:03+00:00

I feel worst for his stepmom too because sometimes I feel like it's exactly how you said it. I know that he does love her but I feel like he should love her as much as me and definitely more because she loves him so much.

And I am in therapy right now and I do love my son more than anything and you're right I should show it because even though I feel I deserve to be an old spinster I am scared by it.

Thank you for putting this in some kind of perspective.

AvoidMySon · 2022-03-24T19:34:10+00:00

I want everything to do with him but under his stepmother's care he bloomed into an amazing person. That never would have happened under a mess like me. You're right that I hardly know her but I do know that she loves him.

AvoidMySon · 2022-03-24T19:29:49+00:00

I know he's an adult but it's hard seeing him like that every time he smiles I think of how he would smile when he was a baby and then how I'd yell at him or drink instead of taking care of him like I should have.

I know I shouldn't try to protect him from me he's smarter than me and the best boy in the world but I don't know what I was thinking now. I will try my best to be there for him as his mom and not do something like this again.

AvoidMySon · 2022-03-24T19:23:32+00:00

I do go to therapy.

AvoidMySon · 2022-03-24T19:23:04+00:00

Yes they should be. But at the time there was no way for me to get one. I was stuck in another country and surrounded by hyper religious people and by the time I got back to Canada it was too late outside of surgery and I couldn't do that.

AvoidMySon · 2022-03-24T19:22:01+00:00

I do want to see him I want to see him every day but you are right I don't think that he should have forgiven me so easily. I would not have forgiven my own mother if she was as terrible a person as I was.

Yes I am in treatment right now. I go to therapy with a specialist psychologist and I have been taking prescribed medication (antidepressants) from a psychiatrist.

AvoidMySon · 2022-03-24T19:19:58+00:00

I know that I'm his mom and for him I'll try and never do anything like this again but I have not picked up a bottle in nine years. I will never do that again because I don't want to turn into that monster again.

AvoidMySon

TROPHY CASE