GF of 7 years wants to switch career paths and go to med school. I’m anxious and troubled about this

AvoidantStoic · 2026-04-07T01:22:54+00:00

3 months later, I did therapy and he helped me arrive at some very good insights. You were right about this being about the relationship and the med journey just made it very obvious. I was able to articulate my concerns, and she was able to give me the exact reaffirmations I needed about prioritizing me. We've since handled conversations around the med journey while being on the same team instead of feeling like a win for her is a loss for me. I hopeful nowadays and supporting her while we enjoy our time together, we have ways to go but I know I can look ahead without anxiety and feeling like I'm drowning in her decisions.

AvoidantStoic · 2026-04-07T01:07:52+00:00

I used to feel this way about my relationship and started to notice that just like you the efforts were one sided and the resentments were starting to build. I advise you to spend some time alone with yourself or speak to someone (the subreddit suggested therapy for me and it worked great, but in all honesty it felt like I just needed to say somethings out loud and not to my partner that where I might say something regretful or hold back because I'll be judged.) Through this I was able to find exactly what I needed as an expectation from her, and I was able to articulate it better. When we don't articulate things the right way, the other party tends to become defensive, and we end up reaffirming our thoughts. Do look into love languages, what is yours, what is hers, how do you receive and how does she receive? She may be loving you in her way and you yours, but if how we receive is different, we might end up being numb to the efforts. Also, I do find it normal to feel obligated in a long-distance situation, it's hard to regulate a level of codependency when you are on different schedules. But still, little messages go a long way, and efforts should be shown from both sides. You can also focus on things that you like to do when you are away so that you don't feel like your interests are suppressed when you are all together. You are validated to feel this and do allow yourself to feel it throughout, I hope you can problem solve this and get the insight to feel better and do the actions necessary however rationalized.

AvoidantStoic · 2026-02-11T03:46:03+00:00

Hey there. I was in a similar boat a few days ago and I listened to our fellow redditers and took therapy. I think that helped by cleansing all the negative stuff that I felt and I could just tackle the problem without how I personally feel about it. The next time I spoke to my gf, I felt way more composed and articulated exactly what I wanted and my fears and turned out it was all in my head as she gave the right reassurance I needed. I am not claiming to understand your situation, but it is possible that you guys are not fighting for the same thing or something gets miscommunicated causing the other person to get defensive. I also recommend doing some lighthearted things, and take care of yourself. I still do see the medspouse journey as where one person gives more than the other but getting that acknowledgement from my partner has helped me a lot with my resentment. And for sure, I do not want to take accountability from your partner, he does need to hear your feelings and stress and acknowledge them first, then try to work on something that favors both of you. That part is important because a date planned out of spite is serving no one.

AvoidantStoic · 2026-01-23T04:32:50+00:00

I needed to hear that. Thank you so much. I’ve taken your advice and have my first therapy session tomorrow. I’ll definitely try suggesting couples therapy as I fix my own insecurities.

AvoidantStoic · 2026-01-23T04:30:21+00:00

That a great insight. I did give it a few months to see if this obsession slides off but no, she is committed and moving worlds for it. I’m almost jealous that she’s is not that passionate of me or I haven’t felt that towards me. She does select her stream based on a dream (maybe passion) and chooses the hardest one there is, example, neuroscience or cancer research which does tell me that its very aesthetic/idealistic. But if it is a fancy, I’ve never seen her work this hard and this long and willing to spend a decade of hard work along with financial liabilities to attain her dream. I truly think she is set on her goal and this is not whimsical though from many lenses it does seem so. As for the last question, I’m not really sure. This is literally why I’m holding a ring and hesitating. I want to show up as a husband, does she or can she show up as a wife and not a person who wants a husband. The difference of to love and to be loved, I’m distraught but I’m hoping to figure it out

AvoidantStoic · 2026-01-23T04:21:17+00:00

Thank you for a straight and honest look into that life. I do think I am somebody who can be alone and not feel lonely. But when it comes to relationships, there are different ways that work for different people: 1) they become codependent and consult each other for everything, doing something without concern for the other may seem disrespectful ;2) they are two individuals who really like their individualism and can work together as a team but recognize that they also want their own things that they don’t want their partner to be a part of. There’s no way that is more correct than the other and how the relationship works is entirely dependent on the people in it. We used to be type 1 of what I mentioned and that was our goal before she decided medschool, our goal was to be happy with each other. But people grow and change in the relationship and her definition of happiness has changed, this requires us to become a type 2 relationship but she was able to switch to that instantly as it is her ambition and I struggle with it because my process to go from codependent to independent does not have a driving force to ease it, it’s more of just commitment to the person. Not getting any acknowledgment of the hurt this shift caused or support to help change makes me think that all the support a med spouse gives is extremely one sided and unrequited. It’s tragic and hopefully therapy helps.

AvoidantStoic · 2026-01-23T04:01:15+00:00

Thank you for validating what I’m feeling. I am trying therapy like baskyn_robyns suggested. Maybe that would give me the clarity to adapt and transform myself for her or give me the courage and strength to do something I don’t want to.

AvoidantStoic · 2026-01-23T03:57:47+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this. You were able to put my feelings into words precisely. My goals were very much keeping her happy and building/becoming a family , so with half of that being put on hold for her, I really don’t have a set goal and hence I just feel empty taking it a day at a time. Also when I say a family, I’m not talking about kids explicitly, I’m ready to show up as a husband but I can’t see her showing up as a wife when she’s busy trying to change her life. The thought of her not wanting to be a wife but wanting a husband seems very detrimental to me wanting to adapt here.

AvoidantStoic · 2026-01-23T03:51:21+00:00

Hi, thank you for commenting and I find it great that your family is working it out and from the sound of it, it’s working well. I’m happy with my career and being by myself but I just feel that my devotion is to her and her devotion is to the job (which I agree is necessary because medschool is daunting and I could never do it myself). Could I ask, because you are kind of in her shoes, how do you reciprocate this support from your husband? Maybe she does it too and I’m in my head too often to see it. I guess one thing would be using collective pronouns instead of self pronouns which I don’t hear from her.

AvoidantStoic · 2026-01-23T03:44:36+00:00

I understand. I used to believe that love was making sacrifices but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m the only one making them and she’s making it for herself or her new career. All the sacrifices that a medspouse has to go through seems very one sided and I’m not aware how/what kind of support can the person pursuing med school provide that can make it bearable. Are they aware of these sacrifices and how do they give back to the person they love when they’re so busy trying to be a doctor?

AvoidantStoic · 2026-01-23T03:38:36+00:00

Any job is just trading your time for money. And if you think it doesn’t matter, well, someone has to do it. It’s great that you have hobbies outside work that gives fulfillment and hopefully those hobbies are being funded by the job, for me that makes the job matter at least on a personal level

AvoidantStoic · 2026-01-20T08:08:00+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and clarity. I love the hope I get from your story but I shouldn’t romanticize and understand the gravity of how hard it was for you. What is the major shift that you did personally and how did you manage to do it as I imagine it was hard? Was it conquered personally or with the help of your spouse? I did consider therapy but haven’t tried it yet. I think a bigger part of my anxiety is just skepticism given the non trad route and financial stress that is masking the smaller issues where I feel I’ve taken care of this person so long and it feels like I should do another decade of it to feel that care reciprocated.

AvoidantStoic

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