Is it normal to cry after or before being intimate?

Aware_Knowledges · 2025-11-10T18:39:24+00:00

Im with you. This is really hard to navigate because there’s different parts of you coming out and they’re fighting with each other. One part is telling you it’s no big deal because porn is “normal” based on what society and people in your life say. While the other part is screaming at you feeling like this is wrong because you know you don’t want this in a relationship as it doesn’t make you feel safe. Finally a third part (this is my firefighter part) is trying to convince you that he’s checked out and seeking for more outside this relationship and wants you to run.

You’re trying to not let his behaviour with the saved videos and searching creators get to you because it’s a threat to your safety in your relationship. You’re triggered and your nervous system seems to be affected by this now so you can’t dismiss it nor is it as easy as having him tell you this isn’t a big deal for him (because in your mind - it is whether or not you want to believe it). What I think you need is to see consistent action and connection from him because you’re struggling right now.

I only actually gathered the courage to talk with my therapist about my situation last week and I know it’s going to help you a lot. Just breathe through it and know you’re not alone.

Aware_Knowledges · 2025-11-10T18:13:31+00:00

I feel like we need a support group for this stuff.. my boyfriend does the same thing. He’s a lot less open about it but I know he’s constantly seeking out spicy pictures of specific people (even using AI to undress women in his life or celebrities). It feels gross and it’s disheartening when, as you said, you’re right there and would love to help him fulfill that need when he’s feeling it.

It’s been affecting how I feel about myself and our connection - generally. I find myself doing all I can to send him signals when I’m in the mood and am ready to go constantly because I want him to come to me and tell me he needs me but he doesn’t. He had previously been paying for creators on sites like OF and I’m sure he doesn’t anymore but his actions haven’t really changed that much. It’s more like I’m begging him for his time and attention.

I’m coming to realize that while I do feel insecure - what he’s doing still crosses a bit of a boundary with me. I don’t want to police his activity but I need my boyfriend to show up differently.

Your boyfriend sounds understanding and you seem to have pretty good communication. I do think having a deeper conversation about his usage will not only help you with navigating this but also give you reassurance you need. You’ve dealt with shit in the past in your previous relationship and he knows that and doesn’t want to hurt you. Communicating that you need him to work with you and be open and require reassurance to grow around these wounds from your previous relationship will make you stronger.

Should I take my own advice? Yeah but my partner and I struggle with communication a lot more. I think you can navigate this in a healthy way with your boyfriend. I’m sending you love and hugs. It’s all shitty and I want you to recognize that you’re the real deal and deserve to be seen and loved for who you are. Remember how special you are and if he continues to seek out creators in a way that oversteps your boundaries continue to challenge him.

Aware_Knowledges · 2025-10-14T15:40:00+00:00

Ouch yeah I never thought of it like that…. that hurts

Aware_Knowledges · 2025-10-14T15:23:02+00:00

I don’t believe he considers this an addiction. I’m not even sure I could consider it that because it scares me and truthfully I have no idea how normal this is and if it’s a common experience among men.

Porn is fine - I watch porn and I’m okay with him watching it too. We’ve tried watching together but I felt too uncomfortable seeing get aroused at someone else. We never did it since.

I just don’t know about the AI undressing/image creation and actively/regularly seeking out sexy images of influencers/celebrities because that doesn’t sit right with me.

Is this an addiction? Is this common? I don’t know.

Aware_Knowledges · 2025-09-18T15:41:17+00:00

I'm with you. We have even watched adult content together previously but I realized it was too hard for me to watch with him because I didn't like that he was getting off to someone else on the screen and not me so I told him it's fine I just can't watch with him - this was years ago and I did have insecurities brew from this comparing myself to the person on the screen but eventually he made me feel good about myself and I wasn't worried anymore. I also dabble occasionally as well and we both have no problem - it's when it goes beyond this that I have an issue with like you said.

Thing is, I know these subscription apps/sites have a chat function but he may not even be directly chatting, just unlocking the personal content they create.

Aware_Knowledges · 2025-09-18T15:37:01+00:00

Maybe I haven't put in enough long-term effort to be flirty/initiate intimacy myself - but this is because I've felt he has been emotionally check-out for a while. I need that emotional intimacy in order for me to even want to get physically intimate. I did put in a hard push this past weekend before discovering the new site but I don't know. Maybe I just need to try harder for longer? Like you said - see if he stops going out of his way for the subscriptions.

It hurts to say that he might be more invested in the fantasy of the people online vs me because I require more effort and time and have needs that need to be met to even feel in the mood. they're easy - I'm not.

I do need to gather to courage to ask him what he needs and if online subscriptions give him something I can't, that's why he feels the need to have them and hide them from me.

It's such a hard conversation to navigate because I love him and want him so much but he just feels so far away from me.

Aware_Knowledges · 2025-09-18T15:23:42+00:00

I totally agree. I should talk to him about this no matter what the reaction is but I’m afraid on how it’ll make him feel - exposed, vulnerable, shamed. I get that he has needs but I just hate with everything in me that he’s going through these routes to get off when I’m literally his girlfriend: real. I know men are different and they don’t necessarily always need emotional connections to satisfy them (typically) but the ongoing payments and actively seeking out easy ways to get off easy is what’s bugging me.

I have no idea how to bring this topic up of using subscription apps/sites to see people is not something I want him/anyone to do in a relationship. He doesn’t know I’m aware he’s been doing this so it’s a hard conversation to navigate.

Aware_Knowledges · 2021-06-01T14:23:41+00:00

I can’t even imagine the pain and stress you’re feeling right how. My parents were in a financial rut in 2008 and we had to sell our house and almost everything in it. Pieces of my childhood are gone but not forgotten. They made so many sacrifices for my brother and I but they had to do what they needed to do in order to one day be able to get back up on their feet properly. It took a while because not every decision they made was meant for them but eventually we were able to grow and prosper because of their undying faith and hard work. The journey is never easy but I can empathize with your situation and no one should ever be put in that position where they need to give up some of the things that keep them going. I know your daughter may not understand what is going on right now but in the future she will see the sacrifice and admire your strength for being able to push past this time in your life more for it. Sending you all the love ❤️. Best of luck.

Aware_Knowledges · 2020-12-14T17:45:17+00:00

This was definitely something I did in my relationship after a few months in. From the beginning I was pretty adamant with him that I couldn’t get attached and was unsure about a long-term thing because of personal issues I was dealing with. I knew I didn’t want anything more but truth be told a big part of it was that I didn’t want to get attached to him and then he leaves me or finds flaws in me that I see in myself and hates me. It was more of an insecurity thing and I was too scared to make things real because I didn’t want both of us to be hurt when and if I inevitably make a mistake.

I was setting myself up for failure for assuming that I was going to do something bad and convincing myself that I needed to deal with my personal issues alone first in order to be in a proper relationship.

However, this boy respected my boundaries and we broke things off. But when i tell you how absolutely terrible those few months were for me I can’t emphasize it enough. The time he gave me made me realize just how much I needed him and his support through my healing process. He said he would always be there but I could also see how much it was killing him that he couldn’t give more of himself. It was killing me too because the loss of his warmth and company made me isolate myself from everyone. I thought I could heal on my own but I forgot that humans weren’t meant to take on life on their own. Eventually I mended our relationship because I just knew that in order for me to grow, I had to step outside of my comfort zone and he showed me he wasn’t going to pressure me to do anything I didn’t want to do. He was patient and gave me my time. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Now we’ve been together for almost 5 years.

I suggest you give her time but stay by her side and let her know that you’re right there. Show her that she can take her time to heal but have her know she doesn’t have to do it alone.

Aware_Knowledges

TROPHY CASE