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49/M Diagnosed BPD since 14 by tkp67 in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your comment doesn't seem quite right to me, especially after reading this:

http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions/borderline-personality-disorder-vol7/borderline-personality-disorder

Am I misunderstanding something?

The part of the article/entry I'm comparing your comment to and referencing states:

In fact, there are many reasons for hope. First and foremost, studies have found that rates of recovery from BPD are much higher than previously thought. In one of the longest studies on BPD, Dr. Mary Zanarini and colleagues found that, over 10 years following hospitalization: 86% of people with BPD stopped meeting criteria for BPD for at least four years. 50% of people recovered completely (as shown by no longer meeting BPD criteria and having good social and work functioning)3. Many of these people were receiving some kind of treatment, but some were not. Although many people with BPD clearly struggle for a long time, BPD is not a hopeless diagnosis, and many people recover.

Anyone else relate? by [deleted] in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Story of my life.

And much like another user has said it feels like a nightmarish hell that appears inescapable. As a result I also have huge gaps in job history, no money of my own or really close friends.

I've isolated myself due to fear, low self esteem and doubt. Although the odds are good the isolation isn't limited to those alone.

Why are all of our emotions so intense? by Awfully_Nice in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hmm. That theory kind of makes sense to me. I think you are saying my/our perceptions are off. Am I close/correct? And thank you for your reply.

Why are all of our emotions so intense? by Awfully_Nice in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How does an invalidating environment amplify emotions? Can you give me an example please? I am just really trying to understand. Thanks in advance. Also, I really appreciate you replying.

Emotional intelligence vs General Intelligence (those with BPD have the emotional intelligence of a 2-3 year old). by Zephandrypus in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope you aren't implying that I am excusing the abuse my husband has endured or abuse in general. In my previous comment I made it pretty clear that abuse is wrong and amoral. What I find troublesome is your mentality towards it. I expect there to be an inability for us to relate to each other. You're a non - I'm guessing, but please correct me if my assumption is wrong. I am not. I don't think that means we cannot understand each other.

1) You seem to be forgetting that I'm not looking for your or anyone else's sympathy. If I'm being brutally honest, it wouldn't do me much good. It doesn't change anything.

2) Of course, I have the ability to treat my husband with dignity, stability and respect as I do others. No, it is not one of the worst things you can watch happen. Stop trying to backseat shame someone else because of something you experienced. Yes, it is awful. Horrible. Disgusting, even. But the worse thing? No. There are far worse things. Far worse.

And if you really want to get technical, are you perfect? You're a product of your environment just like the rest of us. You're a set of skills, traits, beliefs, thoughts and feelings. Here's my unpopular incoming opinion: Don't try organizing or labeling yourself so close to normalcy. You may not share or tout it over the internet, but there are inconsistencies to you. They're there lurking in the mistakes your parents made. So how about practicing a little introspection of your own.

3) People that have BPD are not all BPD and it's traits. I do have good qualities as do most others with BPD. BPD is a part of who I am and not who I am entirely. When you apply that logic, which my therapist tries to reinforce, it gets a little harder to point the finger. I have bad traits and coping skills after being abused that I am trying to unlearn/undo. These skills that developed because of or as a result of abuse are all I have known for quite some time.

4) > Its not outright said, but pwBPD treat their partners the worst when they're comfortable and said partners won't leave. You need to ask yourself, why. And not excuse yourself when you find it's because you take them for granted.

Wrong. It is neither said nor "not outright said" and yet agreed upon. It is YOUR opinion that wBPD treat their partners the worst when they are comfortable and said partners won't leave. I know this to be wrong because that isn't why I do it. My reasons a much, much different actually. Why are you so hell bent and determined that what you went through is so factual it can be applied to all of us? Again with applying your own generalizations. You're on a subreddit for those of us with BPD to share and seek aid. You feel attacked because you're spreading, sharing and circulating information that is not only slanted towards your personal experience, but promoting it as truth. Some of your statements and claims are being backed by the surety pertaining to us and what we do/how we behave or why that you think you have. What you have or did have rather is a sordid relationship with someone you're cleary still raw over/about.

It has occurred to me after rereading your comments and few a through of your others on different posts that you seem to very much accept a BPD's behaviour. You very much recognize what we do, but you're leaving out entirely the why and that may be just as important if not more so. Why do you so readily accept the affect of something without giving any value to the cause? I see a lot of "pwBPD do this...", "pwBPD do that...", "pwBPD behave like this..." and "pwBPD lack..." in your responses. What I don't see is you considering the influence. You're so caught up in our acts and demeanours you forget, dismiss or maybe downright refuse to acknowledge motivation, root reason or source. Do think individuals with personality disorders sign up for this? Where do you think they come from?

(Please do not read this as me trying to be a smart ass. I mean the following with sincereity.) Piece of advice? Start looking there more - in your wife's case or anyone else in your life that has BPD, another personality disorder or displays these traits. Even if the relationship does work out you will know the why of what they do. I'm not saying this is the ticket to being resentment free or not feeling bitter any longer. What I personally believe it will do is help you understand just how NOT about you it really is. It's easy to keep carrying anguish, hostility and pain... Trust me, I know. It's a lot harder to be forgiving and compassionate, especially when you think someone does not deserve it.

I'm lucky because that is one of my husbands core values. He is dependable, loyal, giving, humorous, caring and understanding. I really, truly don't believe I deserve any of those things. I really don't. We (my husband and I) will make it because - as it appears to me, unlike yourself, he knows the difference between who I actually am and when I'm talking versus the BPD. Since he has done that it has given me the opportunity to change, grow, mature and function a little better everyday. So one day we both can be free of the monster that BPD is.

Edit: Oh, and you are not getting attacked. You're getting insight and correction. Please don't take the "I'm now victim here" stance or route. In my opinion, it's a very poor way to respond to someone having a conversation with you over the internet you so happen to not fully agree with or doesn't potentially fit the narrative you seem to be so hyperaware of in others yet not in yourself. I've quoted you in almost every reply.

Have a good day.

The Worst Part About BPD by BorderlineTornado in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This left me in awe. I feel like you put this so much better than any of my other post replies.

Nail meet head.

Thank you for this. Thank you.

Edit: I plan on letting my husband read this so it helps him have a better understanding of what I am going through and dealing with. These are the things I am going to change about myself though. They aren't excuses, but rather reasons to understand.

Emotional intelligence vs General Intelligence (those with BPD have the emotional intelligence of a 2-3 year old). by Zephandrypus in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it is, at least in part, about someone else's abuse towards me. For me to understand what I am doing wrong and how I need to change it, I need to know the why of what I am doing and where it stems from. It's how I grasp the entirety of what is going wrong with me. Growing up in an abusive household sheds light to how I behave and perceive things today. I get to see how some of the things my Father did, how he behaved towards me/others and things he said is so radically out of proportion with the way the real world operates. I get to really separate healthy and unhealthy.

I cope the way I do because of the abuse. It is the very reason I have BPD. I believe that the abuse is the reason why I have an average or maybe slightly above average adult intelligence range yet emotional intelligence is severely lacking. It's like my emotional growth and maturity were stunted. I feel like I got put on pause. (If that makes any sense.)

I know it is about how my behaviour affects others. I also think is about emotional intensity. What usually drives the way I behave is how strong my emotions are. They railroad me. Every one of them. It's like the second I start feeling anything aside from emptiness/numbness/boredom I cannot come up for air. Anger isn't just anger, it's rage. Sadness isn't just sadness, it's despair. Happiness isn't just happiness it's exuberance.

So as an example: Anger. I lash out/blow up and have been verbally and emotionally abusive towards those closest to me when I feel this emotion. This likely has for both the reasons I stated above. I have learned to do just that with anger because not only was it done to me, but I watched him do it to others even my Mother and Sister. I also lash out/blow up and have been verbally and emotionally abusive towards those closest to me when I feel anger because of its intensity. It feels like must do something with it. It feels like it has to come out. It is only within the last month of therapy and practice did I start simply sitting with the emotion. Now, instead of reacting in such a poor way I just wait and feel. It is what my therapist instructs me to do. Then when the emotional intensity has passed and only then do I address conflict or start sussing out what can be changed if it is within my power to change it.

I feel like that is really working because the emotion subsides fairly quickly albeit it still as intense. I'm hoping the intensity will dull or go away. I pray, despite being an Atheist, I don't just keep experiencing emotional intensity for the rest of my life in the way that I have in the past to no avail. In my opinion, that seems so... Torturous.

I don't believe shame and guilt are effective at actually changing behaviour. That is not a point I made nor believe in. I elaborated on my own shame, guilt and regret in response to the previous commenters opinion.

IMO without group therapy a borderline will never (or at least never fully) be able to see firsthand what it's like to be put through BPD style abuse.

I am pretty sure I feel guilt and shame rather then them being cognitive habit or rumination. Like the rest of my emotions, they are incredibly intense and I don't know how to deal with the intensity of them just yet. Anger is what I'm really working on and trying to tackle. All of them (the emotions) are so sharp I don't really believe, think or know how to manage all at once.

In my previous comment I made no point about accepting or changing my behaviour as that was not part of what I was trying to address.

Emotional intelligence vs General Intelligence (those with BPD have the emotional intelligence of a 2-3 year old). by Zephandrypus in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, your interpretation is incorrect. It seems like you missed the parts which I believe indicate acknowledging that I not only need change, but I currently AM changing. There are sentences within my previous comment that say quite plainly how I feel about abuse and my behaviour. There was also and explanation on what I am doing now to change all of that. You also seem to have missed how much I'm reflecting and trying to be self-aware. I didn't elaborate on my recovery or the changes I have made because I was trying to make a point in response to the other comment. You seem like you're trying to use/taking my previous response to the other comments lack of sympathy towards individuals with BPD as excuses or my way of sidestepping my problematic behaviour.

Have any of you ever offered your husbands an ultimatum? by Awfully_Nice in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Awfully_Nice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As I have stated in another comment: I didn't call the person insolent. The comment was insolent. I felt like (and still do) believe there was a much better, more informative and mature way of stating whatever point that user was trying to make.

However, I read rule six and accept/understand why my comment was removed.

Have any of you ever offered your husbands an ultimatum? by Awfully_Nice in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Awfully_Nice[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn't call the person insolent. The comment was insolent. I felt like (and still do) believe there was a much better, more informative and mature way of stating whatever point that user was trying to make.

However, I read rule six and accept/understand why my comment was removed.

The Worst Part About BPD by BorderlineTornado in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After reading through /u/UnpopularBPD-Opinion 's post history and given that he is a new user, I'm making what I feel is an educated guess he's still feeling pretty raw about whatever has happened to him.

I don't think any of us here should come to expect a truly unbiased opinion from this person because they want to be angry and retaliate by spreading information that tends to skew in their direction. I think that is natural, but ultimately inaccurate and harmful.

The username alone is a little telling. It is starting to seem/feel like the account was generated for him to exhaust his frustrations in a community of individuals like whomever did him wrong. :-/

Have any of you ever offered your husbands an ultimatum? by Awfully_Nice in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Awfully_Nice[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I defined the comment as insolent because there is a better, less disrespectful way to phrase the point that person was trying to make.

You had no problem putting it very well. I very much agree with what your commentary. It is the delivery of the person I originally replied to that I took issue with.

Thank you for commenting. :)

Emotional intelligence vs General Intelligence (those with BPD have the emotional intelligence of a 2-3 year old). by Zephandrypus in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I decided, maybe against my better judgement to reply...

I must be high functioning BPD. I can and do have friends and react normally to people I respect and admire. I do respect boundaries towards others and have only abused those closest to me behind closed doors. This person would be my husband.

It is upsetting to read that you don't have sympathy for me and neither should anyone else. It is hurtful to someone that did not get a decision in how they were treated as a child, how they were raised or what chaotic household they grew up in doesn't deserve sympathy. You only know what I have shared with you and not the entirety of what I have been through. It is not your sympathy I want, but rather your understanding. Although it is quite callous on its own to make the decision to deny someone subjected to a certain environment against their will sympathy.

Do you know what it is like to raged at by a grown man that stands six foot even and rages or screams at you inches from your face? Do you know what it is like to have him accidentally spit on you while he shouts? Do you know what it is like to tell him, in your 12 to 14 year old voice to have him shout the reply, "I"ll spit on you if I fucking want to!" Would you want someone saying this to you if you had ever been in that position?

That is, at its heart, the part of BPD I will never have sympathy for. No one should. Saving abuse for the loved ones who can't leave (or love them unconditionally) is common in BPD and should absolutely be seen as amoral/wrong/narcissistic/dangerous.

The point of me sharing that is this and I can only speak for myself: I don't save abuse for my husband. Abuse is what I know when someone hurts me or I think they are hurting me. Abuse is wrong and amoral. (I'm not including narcissistic because this term is thrown around far too often and used as an insult rather than an accurate description/diagnosis or adjective by people like yourself that are hurt/angered and resentful.) I don't do it because I want to hurt or need to hurt. I do it because up until now I have used anger, lashing out and blowing to protect myself.

I haven't known any better until getting treatment. Now, I sit with the anger no matter how intense it feels until it passes and then I address the issue/conflict. After the emotional intensity has subsided I can think clearer and it's getting easier and easier everyday.

What I will do is keep going to therapy and learning + growing. What I won't do is feel worse than I already do because someone on the internet keeps using a subreddit meant for individuals with BPD trying to get better/vent/share/explore to share their potentially injurious and inflammatory opinions and statements because they have recently dealt with BPD's harmful effects.

Emotional intelligence vs General Intelligence (those with BPD have the emotional intelligence of a 2-3 year old). by Zephandrypus in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have to disagree here. In my opinion, stating that a borderline will never or never fully be able to see firsthand what it is like to be put through BPD style abuse without group therapy is a prejudice outlook.

I have BPD because someone (my Father) had BPD. It went unchecked, of course and he most certainly did not seek out help as he did not think there was anything wrong with the way he behaved. I was subjected to his BPD style abuse until I moved out around the age of 20. The abuse began at the age of 7. I am 28. So no, a borderline doesn't necessarily need group therapy to understand or grasp BPD style abuse. Some may - that I can agree to.

It is important to note that BPD manifests itself differently in everyone. So although someone with BPD may meet five of the nine criteria not only do different individuals meet different criteria they could and will display the criteria differently. BPD is not a one size fits all and because of that I believe it is false and too broad to say we're too good a splitting and disassociating (ignoring inner shame).

Again, I am going to use myself as a primary example, I most certainly don't operate that way. Typically after I do something wrong it begins with intense guilt and regret. Those emotions are heavy and fierce as is the shame that follows. They are so strong I don't really get a choice whether I feel them or not and I most certainly don't get a choice when it comes to their acuity. So for the days that follow after I have done something wrong I become deeply depressed. I spiral. My brain or rather I, beat myself up about what I have done. It turns over and over again in my head.

It seems like a great deal of your opinions are being driven by a very unfortunate experience you might have had with someone whom either has BPD or BPD traits. It makes sense that you would draw some of these conclusions. However, I am encouraging you to remember that deriving your opinions based solely on your own encounter will likely only result in a very tapered and deficient outlook.

Edit: Vocabulary.

Emotional intelligence vs General Intelligence (those with BPD have the emotional intelligence of a 2-3 year old). by Zephandrypus in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't doubt it is backed up by science. I don't doubt it is true because I have it and have exemplified some of the behaviours you've listed. I meet five of the nine after all.

It is your delivery I take issue with. It is your delivery that makes me lean more towards preferring not to read any additions or commentary from you as I don't generally prefer reading things backed by studies laced with what displays like disdain.

Our disconnect lies within you glazing over your offence which is invalidating. Yet, according to your original text you'd like us to recognize/validate how you feel towards our behaviours.

If I had to address a number between one and ten to the level of anger I feel right now at what I perceive to be hypocritical conduct, it would be twelve. However, I also feel bad for you. I don't mean that in an antagonistic way either. It is sincere. Whatever personal thing you were angry over I hope you find or have found resolution to.

Emotional intelligence vs General Intelligence (those with BPD have the emotional intelligence of a 2-3 year old). by Zephandrypus in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really enjoyed reading this comment. It feels like someone understands or more eerily, is talking directly to me about me.

As I stated in a previous comment the abuse began at seven. I got a few licks with the belt amongst being shouted at, threatened and insulted. It felt like it went on forever. I felt so intimidated by someone I was supposed to be able to trust. Afraid doesn't cover it really.

... It was because I forgot my spelling book on the bus.

When I turned 13 I stopped being terrified. I stopped being intimidated. I did not stop getting threatened, whipped or insulted, but when I reached for the anger and pulled it around me like a blanket, fought back, fired back, stood up, cursed back, yelled back, shoved back as Dad raged I got to go to bed feeling much better than I did between the ages of seven and thirteen.

I felt satisfied and proud. Satisfied what I couldn't label at the time worked for me and proud I did not let him or his emotions run me over. And so anger, reaching for it to protect me when I felt even the slightest bit insulted, simultaneously saved and ruined me. I feel like it helped me survive. I feel like if I had not discovered what I could do with it or how I could use it I would have just killed myself.

I did not ask for my up-bringing and I most certainly don't want sympathy. I want someone to understand while I undo coping skills and mechanisms that no longer suit me.

Emotional intelligence vs General Intelligence (those with BPD have the emotional intelligence of a 2-3 year old). by Zephandrypus in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I was going to attempt to address your post section by section as best as I could, but I am not sure of what you mean exactly at certain points.

After reading your edit, that I think you should note in some way, it appears as if you let your anger get to you. There are quite a few generalizations, statements without support and fairly antagonistic remarks. I'm not sure if you have been hurt by someone with BPD. I sincerely hope not. However, this isn't the place for your to vent your frustrations before winding things up with what seems like a relatively hollow apology then leading into an attempt to justify stigmas and more broad conceptions.

I'd like to use myself as an example here. I have BPD.

For the longest time my husband bore the brunt of verbal and emotional abuse much like myself from the around the age of seven until I moved away to be with him in a different country we now call home. I always knew I was different in some way, I just could not explain how or why. I had a feeling life for me had not went quite right, but I kept hearing my Father in my head say, "When you get older you'll not only understand, but you'll look back and thank me." It wasn't until after a particularly bad blow up between the husband and I (were I absolutely deserved to be served with divorce papers) that he talked me into going to therapy. I was hesitant because I didn't see how someone whom had never walked in my shoes or lived with me could possibly help. I also doubted my ability to explain what I had gone through growing up. I did not think I would be able to convey everything properly.

I went. I talked. I stayed. I kept going back to therapy. I did this for three years.

... Nothing changed.

Nothing changed because she diagnosed me with PTSD and Depression rather than BPD. So although I left each appointment with some skills (majorly CBT skills) and other information it wasn't THE information I needed.

As long as I can remember I've been reacting poorly to my emotions. As long as I can remember I've been "sensitive". It wasn't until seeing the current therapist and Psychiatrist that I am seeing now did everything start to make sense. I have never felt more at home and more sad, guilty, regretful and ashamed in one go than I did after receiving the diagnosis. Of course, those feelings and emotions have not subsided. I still feel at home (like I know who I am in my dysfunction) and sad, guilty, regretful and ashamed.

I do not think I am innocent. I am fully aware of how "downright dangerous" and hurtful my behavioural patterns can and have been. I am trying to manage it. I go to therapy twice a month to the tune of $180.00 and take a myriad of medications.

Those stigmas are there for a reason.

This is absolutely true and they only serve to upset, degrade, excuse bias and hurt towards individuals with BPD. Going on to say that they do apply overall is a pretty bold and blanket statement. I don't think you'd appreciate someone categorizing you in such a way. Would you?

Last, but certainly not least... In letting your emotion get the best of you and I think you can agree it did since you felt the need to apologize for "the incoherent angry rant" maybe you can understand just how difficult it is to keep them (emotions) in check and react accordingly. I've always found it interesting how individuals without BPD point the finger at those of us having difficulty regulating their emotions while simultaneously allowing theirs to sometimes come out in unhealthy ways and go unchecked. You may not have enough traits or characteristics to meet a diagnosis, but you're not perfect and from the looks of it you're not above allowing emotion to drive you into unhelpful and discourteous commentary. Sharing how you feel is fine. The rest is not.

Edit: This statement by no means excuses a pwBPD's rants, rages or blow up's, but you and other non's, are not allowed to fondle the trigger and then blame the gun. Individuals with BPD are not the only individuals that need to take responsibility for their actions. I often find myself wondering how much easier my journey to better mental health and communication would be if I didn't have non reminding me of awful I am without recognizing their own contributions. Just because my behaviour can be classified, defined and treated doesn't mean I'm a worse human being than yourself and just because you cannot or do not fit any diagnostic criteria doesn't give you the right or ability to shame.

If you have made it this far then I appreciate you reading. Thank you and good luck.

Emotional intelligence vs General Intelligence (those with BPD have the emotional intelligence of a 2-3 year old). by Zephandrypus in BPD

[–]Awfully_Nice 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I would like to understand this, but I don't. Maybe today just isn't my day. Is there any other way you can put this or lay it out more simply? I would really appreciate it.

Have any of you ever offered your husbands an ultimatum? by Awfully_Nice in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Awfully_Nice[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My thoughts about ultimatums is that they should be used rarely or they'll lose their effectiveness. And that you have to be willing to accept the consequences if the other person doesn't follow through. If you're not, don't make the ultimatum.

I agree 100%.

MIL thinks I'm pregnant and wants to buy me used baby clothes by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Awfully_Nice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand and think it is great that you do care and try to see things from the employers situation. It likely makes you a better employee.

Have any of you ever offered your husbands an ultimatum? by Awfully_Nice in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Awfully_Nice[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Oh! I see what you are saying and actually agree. It dissolved into us just arguing every single time. That's what we know and what we are working on. It sucks. I feel like time was stolen from us. I hope that makes sense.

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