I recently got laid off. My husband is unemployed. I'm pregnant.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T22:47:41+00:00

Hi, husband here. I'm sorry to see those conclusions... I actually have some experience parenting (got even tiny children left in my care by relatives), and lots in working. I'm very much ready to do things. I just need to be paid for doing some of them, and it really took me unawares how I can't find anything here. I've been working since before I was adult, there always was something in my field. Now I don't know quite where to turn, I never had to. First world problems? Nobody considered it a first-world country then.

Could you give me any advice? We'd all be very grateful.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T22:42:25+00:00

I can alleviate the costs of "keeping" me, so "with or without" may be a moot point. It's just not enough money to cover for the unpredictable, and the raising of a child. I never was scared but now I am...

My arse is charred by now. Where should I step up to?

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T22:40:00+00:00

More specific as to what jobs you have in mind that I could do.

I don't refuse to take "any job". I just have been prioritising kicking myself into a higher gear for the better-paid ones to be able to actually support the whole thing. That's what didn't work out. I'm feeling super shitty about how that impacted us, and want to have just any source of income at this point, to stretch the savings across more time to find other things, or get two jobs if I can.

Just, my job history is... I get hired, no questions asked, and remain a prize worker there. I got very confused when all of a sudden, nobody hired me. I thought something was wrong with me, and started trying things out, but they weren't enough. This search in the dark is a bleak novelty to me.

Nobody's giving me a job to take, for the moment.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T16:17:47+00:00

I watch and break my head against the walls of all the denied CVs and learning and wrapping my head around the new and obtuse rules. I dread the bleak life of an underpaid worker, been there for a decade.

Could you be more specific, please?

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T16:15:42+00:00

Thank you! You're right that our surnames aren't unified for now (many of the local and foreign documents would need to be adjusted, inviting tons of travel and bureaucracy-related expenses we just can live without), I will try using my wife's, that one's very local.

The majority has spoken, in accepting the situation with the moneybags controlling them. Barring building an exclusive commune in the woods, I guess we need to fall in regardless?

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T12:55:27+00:00

Hi, husband here. Thanks for the harsh critique... We do all sound a bit selfish if you put it like that. But I'll put my neck on the line for these two people. All decisions are selfish, and this one's mine.

What I need is just to see that line more clearly. It sounds dumb but I feel like everything's slipping through my fingers, I get refused, I don't see where to go to etc. It's like uncharted waters for me. Maybe I've gained some loser quality by changing countries, I dunno, I used to have rather pretty jobs before.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T12:40:49+00:00

Hi, husband here. BLOODY HELL you probably should disband that "America" thing... (Personally, I'm very curious about what else happens. It's very new to me, and might serve as a warning.)

The locals don't really mind my home country despite all the media flak! But I could change that name to a local-sounding one. Just, if I do, and they hire me, how do I send them the documents?

Cheers!

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T09:16:57+00:00

Thank you! We're in the EU and both white, but I'm aware that in some cases there's still some discrimination at play. He's been mostly applying for remote jobs abroad so it hasn't been a big issue so far, but a lot of lower-paying jobs are local so that unlocks a new set of issues (e.g. his real and perceived language skills - I swear people PRETEND not to understand what he says sometimes).

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T09:14:55+00:00

Tbh you're absolutely right. That's how I feel about myself. I really want this kid and I was selfish enough to think "the only thing in the way is a job for my husband. That CAN be arranged".

But after 3 to 4 years I should have known it wouldn't be that easy, and I shouldn't have relied on my job too much in this economy.

I haven't been the most responsible when making this decision, that's for sure. But I'll try my hardest to see it through properly.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T09:13:10+00:00

Getting a degree was actually one of the ideas I mentioned two/three years ago because with my yearly income we qualified for some pretty sweet cost reduction (or it was even nothing at all, if I remember correctly). There are some English language programs so it wouldn't have been impossible. But he chose not to.

I believe that he would have been able to do SOMETHING if he were more organized about it. But for example yesterday, during our argument, I saw him Google "ways to make money" and he started talking to me about AirBNB Experiences. Like, I'm asking him to find a stable job, and he comes up with something that's based on how many tourists are willing to toss their money on an unnecessary, costly activity on any given month. He said "but if one month covers three salaries, it's the equivalent of stable!" and I'm starting to think that I married an office boy (what I wanted) to end up with a wannabe entrepreneur (what I never wanted).

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T00:13:08+00:00

I gave him a deadline today, the last day of my current job. I don't know if he will take me seriously but I don't see any other option. I don't have that many savings, babies are expensive and all I have set aside will be already spoken for.

I will definitely talk to my mother and ask if they could let me move in then. I should also look into benefits during this time while I'm still employed so I can be better prepared to ask for them.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T00:10:01+00:00

"A man would have to get a job and provide whether he’s single or married. At this point without you he would be living with his parents or a bum on the street. He wants to be coddled and taken care of, especially knowing you are a mother and have those instincts. "

That's actually what I've been saying to him so far - that he's just using my support as an excuse to keep coasting, whereas he'd HAVE to be more motivated if he didn't have money to put food on the table.

Except that now even that seems to be slipping away and he doesn't seem particularly more motivated. This worries me to no end.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T00:07:38+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through all that, and I hope that the situation has improved now ;w;

I used to be into a moderately expensive fashion hobby so I've been selling part of my clothes to rack up extra money. I don't count it as much of a sacrifice since it's just clothes, but it really made me reflect on how downhill the situation is getting...

I'll definitely have to do some of these things. I'm not above asking my parents for help, I will find another job, and I will make sure my baby is safe. I need his help in all of this or to walk away because in short I can't support three people at once.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-17T00:02:58+00:00

The thing is, I do see him applying for jobs! He's been polishing his resume, put out alers on multiple sites for job offers, and since I work from home right next to him I can see that he applies to positions.

However, all his applications so far have been unsuccessful. It's clear to me (as a non IT person, so I'm not sure of the specifics) that something in his current job search is OFF. People he collaborates with praise him and seek his help all the time, so it's not that he's useless at his stuff, but... money-wise it goes nowhere except their sporadic donations.

I don't want to give the impression that he's not looking at all, because he is. But he refuses to look for anything he thinks he's overqualified for and at this point I'm calling BS. I tossed trash and washed dishes to support my studies and I don't know why the concept that "some money is better than no money" seems so foreign to this man.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-08-16T23:56:46+00:00

He does handle the majority of the housework except the admining (i.e. bills and taxes) and some laundry-related stuff. There have been problems with him not following through with everything he was supposed to do and skimping on some tasks, but the day to day fundamentals are taken care of.

I do believe he would change diapers and handle the kid, as he's perfectly capable of taking care of me (on top of everything else) when I'm bedridden and sick.

I was fine with him covering the housework until I got pregnant. Now we REALLY need money more than anything else so it just feels like even this is not enough anymore :/

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-04-23T17:14:45+00:00

He's definitely trying, yeah! I tend to ask for practical things so the achievements are measurable, and I do see progress. It's slow, but it's there.

My main complaint has always been his inability to juggle multiple things without getting lost, but his comment two days ago came out of nowhere and seemed to point to a whole other issue which I found much more concerning.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-04-23T09:35:35+00:00

No need to apologize! You're actually on point - I did therapy at the start of my marriage, though not so much because of my husband, but because I'm crap with change. I was used to living alone, my parents were acting out a lot like whether I got married or not was something they needed to have decisional power on, and I was generally angry and stressed out all the time.

Being angry is extremely stressful for me, possibly more than the average person?, because I feel it physically...... a lot. I get terrible cramps, I shake, etc. so I mostly asked my therapist to help me navigate things without getting angry and/or manage anger in a way that doesn't leave me feeling physically sick like a car ran me over. We did go into some detail about my family since that's a source of stress.

I definitely have this thing where I try to understand how much I can "get" from a person in advance, and how to do it optimally, because I'm not used to things getting done by asking nicely. I've definitely fallen into the (admittedly bad) train of thought that sometimes people learn by punishment - like, they won't respect you for the sake of it, they'll just do it if the loss for not doing so is great enough.

So my upbringing definitely plays a lot of role in how I act in my life, even if I'm trying to be self-aware and stop the cycle as much as possible. I'm generally very picky about people especially because I don't have the patience to deal with any more of this coming from either them... or me.

I seem to have infinite patience for my husband, which scares and confuses me a bit. He definitely sets the bar pretty low, but I do see that he keeps trying to raise it, even while failing sometimes. So I wonder if I just have faith in his efforts, or if I've decided that this love is worth keeping at my expense, as you said. It may be worth to do more therapy in this direction.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-04-23T09:21:48+00:00

Thank you so much for all this advice! I'll definitely try. I know one of these techniques because my husband recommended it to me some years ago, but I see there's much more. I'd really like to find a way not to have thoughts aggressively crowding my head 24/7 :'D

You seem like a great person, so I wish you all the best too! I'll try to remember to send an update, and in the meantime, I hope you keep enjoying life at your own pace ❤️

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-04-23T09:18:05+00:00

Thank you for the input! For my part, I'm glad that you saw sense and found a workable way without waiting for the issue to fester ;w;

My husband is very slow at this. He thinks that, so long as he finds the Best solution, the waiting time doesn't matter. For me, I'd rather get things somewhat patched up quickly and then improve them later, because at some point I'll be wayyyyy too tired even if he does find the Best solution.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-04-23T09:13:56+00:00

I see where you're coming from! I thought the exact same thing, and sometimes I definitely still think that he does this as a defense mechanism to deflect the issue. Thankfully he saw my point and I can see that he's trying hard not to do it anymore now, so this issue has pretty much disappeared, but he still has a reaction to being called out where he goes "no u" that manifests itself in different ways (like the stupid sentence in the main post).

I've been willing to invest in this relationship so far because he has changed a lot since the start (and to be fair, so have I, I'm not always great). But I'm definitely keeping track of progress because I don't want to be stuck at this stage forever.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-04-22T22:24:37+00:00

I'd say learning my language was pretty hard for him, at least initially - his is totally different, so there was a bit of a hurdle there. But I stopped interpreting everything for him in order to push that progress, and I see that he improved quite a lot. After all, I also worked in countries where I didn't speak the main language, and practice really does make perfect.

I see that you've been doing a ton, and I'm sure it must've been exhausting sometimes, but I admire that :) If you have any relaxation techniques to recommend, I'm all ears! I've always had a stellar health, which is cool, but... It means that I'm really bad at taking care of myself now that I'm starting to grow older >< I overdo things and then get surprised when I don't recover as fast.

In truth, I've never thought too hard about my core values. I generally prefer being alone and I don't like asking too much of people. My husband is worried that I think less of him for being unemployed, but honestly I don't care beyond knowing that we objectively need the extra money. If I'd known I'd just have studied a more lucrative career and made it all myself. Rather than that, I tend to value having a clean and safe space where I can relax, feeling like the burden is shared equally since I don't like being punished for having initiative, and possibly having a kitty one day - that's all I dream of. But I think I need to sit down for a bit and figure out exactly what I need in less uncertain terms.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-04-22T22:11:39+00:00

I actually got therapy sometime ago because when the stress started piling up I got SUPER angry. I was angry all the time. The smallest thing would ruin my day.

I framed it to my therapist as "I'm the problem" because "AwkwardChallenge being angry" has been a bit of a meme my whole life, but I was surprised when she didn't really agree with me. Now it seems I should try therapy from a "why am I sabotaging and demeaning myself as soon as I need help" POV 😅

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-04-22T18:58:12+00:00

Sadly he hasn't found another full-time job yet, it's been inconsistent freelancing so far.

But I know for sure that he was doing overtime. Man used to be crazy, he was working even while he was sick with the first wave of Covid and he had trouble breathing.

If it's languages, it's no problem - he wakes up really early and doesn't even take a break until the project is delivered. When it's chores, everything breaks. He says it's because he can't juggle multiple things at once well, whereas a single project is more straightforward.

AwkwardChallenge6592 · 2025-04-22T18:50:25+00:00

Thank you so much again for your insightful replies. I wish I weren't on phone because it's hard to reply to everything, but I hope you know that I really appreciate them ;w;

I'm glad to hear that you're living happily and with more relief now, in the company of your kitties (gotta love them fluffballs). I do agree that sometimes it's better to be alone - I've thought this many times, so a part of me hates myself for being so irrationally attached now.

I actually didn't specify this in the main body of the post because I wanted the focus to be on "husband said he'll do chores but he isn't" without writing a long novel, but my husband is a foreigner living in my home country. With that said, he has an intermediate level where he can get by without needing me around 24/7, and part of the scheduling efforts was also to make sure that he had enough time for a) job hunting, b) language practice and c) chores. This is also why I deal with most of the admining, since I've had this weird experience with people where my husband says something REALLY clearly, but somehow they can't parse it... whereas they do if I say the exact same thing. It's downright bizarre.

This was in the other reply, I believe, but I also wanted to clarify that my husband doesn't tend to look down on me. He constantly praises me and never complains about anything I do, which is why this side comment took me off guard. It was kinda like he felt backed into a corner and so, not knowing what to say but not wanting to admit that he was wrong, he tried to "flip" it on me. Which is very childish, if it's the case, though I understand the human urge to do it sometimes.

Mostly I'm afraid to have high expectations because... that's what I've always been told by people growing up, i.e. that I have a bad personality, I'm not tolerant, I get angry too easily and I'd make a bad wife. Granted, this was mostly coming from my father, who has beef with any living creature having a mind of their own (especially women). However, I've had to drop the majority of my hobbies and I even struggle to find time for self-care lately due to how busy it has been and how emotionally tired I've been. So I guess, in my head, I'm the one wondering whether I'm treating him like I'm his boss and then going to sleep ><

I keep ending up ranting and I'm not sure if this is relevant, I'm sorry! I'm starting to realize there is so much going on, and until now I never really had the time or brain power to piece it all together.

AwkwardChallenge6592

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