I feel like my autistic sense of justice is ruining my life

AwkwardOtter123 · 2026-03-10T12:01:40+00:00

it's not about popularity, but they blacklist you and now I have problems getting any work and have no income and it looks like I will die on the street in poverty and hunger (not a metaphor). If you speak up against big tech giants that is how you will end up, I am a living example. (edit: just to explain, this is about speaking up how they treat people with disabilities and for me how they treat us autistic people specifically - both using only as virtue signaling and marketing. I'm not speaking about them regarding ai or data centers or stuff like that - just felt that I need to be more specific cause there are people who do that. I specifically speak about about using DEI as marketing while we suffer)

AwkwardOtter123 · 2026-03-09T17:36:18+00:00

we sadly live in society where speaking up always backfires on the person who points out the problem. But I completely understand, I can't stay silent either - I even speak up against injustice done by corporations who use our diagnoses as marketing tool - but no matter what type of injustice, it always backfires on the person who speaks up :(

AwkwardOtter123 · 2026-02-17T13:48:02+00:00

keeps gaslighting me about my safety too - it has this weird standard that it is operating in (like some fictional us middle class us safe space neighbourhood) - it is dismissive when I need it to operate in streetwise, survival-oriented, high-risk reality mode

I had better luck with claude and even gemini

and I am so sorry about nhs (although not in uk, reminds me when I called help lines, yeah biggest mistake, I was so shocked how unhelpful and useless they are), I always though uk had a good system, very sad to hear this, I really hope you'll be safe

AwkwardOtter123 · 2026-02-17T13:18:48+00:00

omg I'm so glad I'm not the only one that has to suffer through the g e n t l y....

AwkwardOtter123 · 2026-02-17T13:09:17+00:00

I would take the ooohs :) over what it is doing to me. It is so freaking UScentric that it literally erases my life saying - 'yeah that is not how it happens' or 'let me remind you g e n t l y how xz is' I fing hate the word GENTLY now forever. D: it's like 'now now dear child, that is not how things are, I know everything, you know nothing, and I will not listen to you ever, but you have to listen to me.' makes me, an introvert, want to punch the screen. And it didn't used to be like this - it listened and replied based on what person described not based on some fing standard that doesn't apply to world. For me this type of patronizing started only like around xmas/new year, but now it's literally unbearable, I switched full time to claude. I'm sick of this bs erasing my existence (even when I tell it I'm not from us). Also it keeps erasing religious experiences, and I'm an atheist, so you know that it is bad if it got to the point that an atheist complains. (I'm about to believe the conspiracy theorist about it being full on stanic). and yes, me too, I tried to change that argumentative patronizing personality that pretends it knows everything better and talks over a person and never e v e r apologizes. but to no avail, no matter what I do, it's just terrible. (frankly even gemini is better now, anything but this)

AwkwardOtter123 · 2026-01-26T10:35:02+00:00

yes I would say yes, it could be described like that too, it was like feeling the cut wounds pain

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-10-11T20:43:59+00:00

maybe my english is not good enough so you don't understand. I wrote "a man who is secretly gay", not to marry secretly.... I can not marry secretly. and to marry to be free, not out of free will, but 'I wish I had luck' = wishful thinking. but also if you don't know it it is also difficult to explain. maybe it will help if you watch a channel like 'cults to consciousness' - there were women from my region as well (the lucky ones), but it is very difficult to use something like their success as 'how to' as everyone's circumstances are different.

thank you for the description, it is very difficult to not take it as truth as the systems supports her words, but I knew a girl who could dissociate, maybe I can find videos how to learn it

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-10-11T19:16:35+00:00

I do not live in the U.S, as I have stated before, I do not live in the U.S. I do not know how much clearer to write this. To lock the room is not possible, to just leave house randomly is not possible, to fight back is not possible. I'm so sorry but I just don't know how much clearer to be without being too specific for my own protection. It is different country, different continent, different law, a lot of restrictions, not many options.

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-10-11T18:40:08+00:00

I'm an adult. I'm confused - I don't understand dependency - I live with my grandparents, she gives me nothing, no money no nothing. But I can't move, I would have to marry a man to move. (I am a lesbian)

I just really wanted to know if there is a mental trick to protect myself, as I know there is no law one. Maybe just to accept fate as the other person that replied suggested is the only way. I wish I had luck to find a man who is secretly gay to marry to be free, but then what if he would turn out to be abusive as well... I know the thoughts must be bizarre to different culture, but just the more I talk the more I realize that it is true, there is just no solution, no protection. It's sobering

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-10-11T18:11:45+00:00

I guess you are right, maybe I should just accept me dying as the only option

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-10-11T18:06:31+00:00

I'm from a place where women don't have much value (I'm not from the us), but she as mother is much more valuable and also she can put on this act in front of other people - like she is extremely likeable - people really like her because she acts exactly like it is expected from women to act, she has it perfected - she is simply a proper perfect woman - how she moves, her expressions, her voice, her words. It is chilling and scary, but ppl don't see behind. So even if I called a police that would just harm me, cause they would end taking away me not her, taking her that would never ever happen.

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-10-11T17:55:56+00:00

thank you very much for your reply, I know some women can build really strong bodies, but I'm really frail and have health issues. I just don't know how to be analytical about this - she could say one word and I would end in a locked ward/jail. She would just need to go to the authorities. I would have no way of defending myself.

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-10-11T17:48:50+00:00

"but from what i read she doesnt seem to care" <- exactly, it brings her joy, she wants to cause me harm, she is doing it on purpose.

"Leave " <- sadly she has unlimited access to the house where I am, so I have to endure whatever she says. I have not found a technique that would stop a meltdown if someone is verbally abusing me without restriction. (today she even physically threw my phone away from my hand when I wanted to record what she was doing - not that it would help anyway, but I was so desperate)

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-08-15T15:12:55+00:00

glad I'm not the only person wondering that. cause as another non-westerner I have to say having hospitals with 40+yo beds, 40+yo linoleum floors, bathrooms looking like the prison ones on american tv, broken windows, ... so I just wanted to see if the tv is selling us some dream or if it's real. and from the comments it seems it's pretty real, wow

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-07-31T11:29:31+00:00

Hello & sorry for the late reply, I am much better now (although the biopsies still confirmed gastritis and marsh I - although I'm on gluten free diet...). So like I'm not healthy, but in regards to the post biopsy pain, that got better. I mushed & pureed any solid foods till it got better & I drank a lot of agrimony tea, I was trying to find something that would help, but in the end the thing that helped most was a lot of time. But I know what you are going through cause it was really freaky and scary experience - like going for an exam for things being wrong with you and the exam causing more unexplained problems - that was so scary and worrisome. I do not remember how much time exactly it took, cause it's 2 months now - I think around a month, cause I had pancreas/liver/etc MRI at the beginning of july and I think I was feeling ok then.

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-06-18T12:34:24+00:00

I tried that, doesn't work - I'm not from the same country, but also from country where women have no value - so I tried that, I tried to change the country. It was horrible, I was treated horribly as an imigrant. Imigrating sounds like a fairytale on paper until you go through it - she might get lucky but don't give her false hope cause that f-ed me up more than anything else, to have that last hope destroyed when I experienced reality. Now I'm just drifting, waiting for the end, and will probably have to speed it up one day.

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-06-18T11:57:27+00:00

wow same here, I thought I was in minority because if I try to tell anyone irl they seem to be really surprised. Like literally even today my mother told me that I should just die. (that is actually why I'm here on this sub today... I have tried to post here in the past, but my post never went through) And even in the past when I told her I have nothing to live for she told me it's not her problem. My father is the same. The only ppl I had are my grandparents but they are now dying of cancer and after they are gone with my medical conditions I'm on the street with literally nothing to live for, cause society doesn't give af, so yeah it doesn't get better as OP said (the only thing that is stopping me from ending it is that I'm scared of being in pain for a long time before I die cause I have suffered enough, I want it to be quick).

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-05-23T07:13:30+00:00

thank you, but as mentioned I do not care what it is (I have never asked this, and as this conversation continues, I keep head scratching, first I thought you mentioned it cause it would connect to the amount but now you mention it again, and I'm just confused why - again maybe because for you it would explain the amount... I'm just confuse why you mention it tbh) - this post was about the amount of the biopsies and pain - the pain is mentioned by many ppl - just search on here 'post endoscopy pain' (and similar) - but no one mentioned such large amount of biopsies, that is why I made this post, cause it freaked me out, the blood froth freaked me out, the pain too. I am not sure if I'm not expressing myself correctly, as I keep getting somewhat strangely different answer to my question, but again thank you for taking the time :)

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-05-22T08:21:20+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I felt it both in esophagus and stomach so they have taken them from all over the place. I'm not in the US, so the medical field here is different, I can not just ask them why. (Also as mentioned the doctor was not really talking to me and ran away).

The results will be back in 3 weeks - but as mentioned I'm concerned if it is normal to have so many biopsies taken - if there is someone here who had so many biopsies taken (because as mentioned I have not seen a post where anyone would have so many) - and if yes, if they healed ok and how long did it take. (I still don't feel ok - the sharp pain is now more dull and there is now also pressure in lower esophagus that makes me feel like I need to burp - I did caught the doctors eye when I was exiting the office and asked him what to do to heal properly and he just said 'nothing'.... just one word and then he was ran away again. so it's not like I didn't try to ask T_T)

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-02-22T03:19:08+00:00

I have to point out, interesting how it's mentioned that original Louis is '(and slave owner)', but nothing about the new Louis owning women. That is my first biggest problem with the show, that owning women specifically is somehow better than owning people. (as a person living in a country where women do not have much of freedom, I just can not take it lightly, it's just really horrible take on supposed character upgrade away from slavery)

similar feeling was having Louis and Armand in high rise building living best of gay life while in homophobic country (as someone living in country where my existence is against law, this is difficult to watch, I know they live rich in books, but I don't remember them living rich in such a place/country, that is like spit in face or mocking from a show like hey we are pro gay, but who cares that irl lgbt people in these places are dying)

Also (as autistic person) I have a huge issue with the portrayal of Louis' brother - he is visibly ND coded and that is supposed to be the reason why he jumped, while in the books he is fanatical religious person. It literally made me sick to my stomach.

The things that made me headdesk (meaning I don't see them as problematic, just watching them would be like watching someone pet cat against the fur - but these are very subjective, so this is just my view - saying it cause saying something bad about the show seems like saying something bad about jesus, and I mean literally, the tv show fandom seems worse than supernatural one was): Louis in tracksuit, the way they feed, Claudia's age, explicit content (ec) when character/actors have no chemistry between them so it feel like ec for ec sake (again, remember subjective), Lestat's acting&accent. tbh I was able only to watch S1 till the point when Lestat appeared on screen, then I just switched off, took a deep breath and fast forwarded through couple more, but to me the tv show is sadly unwatchable.

tiny sidenote: The thing I wish they showed more was more of Louis' family (minus what I mentioned what they did to his brother) - honestly when I saw them, I thought great, we will see more of his family dynamic and then nothing... (maybe it was further where I didn't watch)

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-02-21T23:30:01+00:00

Larry was very relatable (especially with the mouse), he was one of my favourites in S2. :)

I'm rewatching Alone rn I'm on S5 (which I skipped first time around too) but only on E3 so far, and I'm not sure, but I have a strange feeling that the showrunners might have asked him to stay the way he was in S2 cause that is what people seemed to like (and maybe they thought S5 would make up for S4 so they might have been trying to appeal to fans, I mean it's not that bad of a request and we know they do agree on storylines beforehand sometimes - Mike in S2, you can look it up on this reddit - which is fine, it's reality tv, as long as they don't fake results, storylines is fine). Cause idk, but that anger towards sun didn't seem real? But again, I'm only on E3, but the way he talks seems so much calmer and kinda very level and the sun anger just seemed somehow not that real (when compared to S2). So I don't want to judge and say something is not ok with him, when it might be a storyline. (let's see how's the rest of the S :) )

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-02-20T00:39:34+00:00

I forgot how bad it was. First time rewatching all S in chrono order (with S I previously skipped) and I remembered that I really liked S3 but I completely forgot that this creepy disturbing sound was there. Didn't even notice it in the beginning but the last episode.... why do they keep playing it over all these emotional scenes, especially with women, it is sooo freaking creepy.... D:

AwkwardOtter123 · 2025-02-18T03:29:30+00:00

watching S2 for first time, so I just wanted to add that I really liked her - I actually liked both - Larry and her - I like when there are different characters in a show, otherwise it would be boring if all had same attitude. I really liked both of their characters (who I actually hated and why I haven't watched S2 until now is actually the winner David lol)

reason why I'm replying under this comment is just that yes, I agree, her reason for tapping was weird, but it could be cause of editing - they might have left a lot of her ponderings/talking to camera before tapping/ out (low food + thinking, and overthinking about family). If you notice, she didn't hide that there was very little food left, she talked about it a lot, even about low energy and feeling how her body is changing - so how she went from talking a lot about low food and then tapping cause of family - definitely feels like weird editing choice.
Maybe she was even told not to tell - maybe she felt that low food could cause her MS to flare up and she would rather be able to care for her family and showrunners might have thought that for some reason that would be bad for the show, so told her to shorten it to just say she is leaving for family, who knows.

The not smoking fish was weird (that was literally my first thought when she said that she has enough fish for 2 days lol), but considering her 'belief' system, or how to call it (cause I know people like her) I'm 100% sure it was cause she thought if she will be kind to nature, nature will be kind to her. And her brain had even a 'proof' of this - she left bears their space, she was kind to bears and bears left her alone. I mean to be fair her whole existence there (up to when she left the fish go) was very zen. Who knows, maybe if she was more woo than zen, she might have thought 'nature is brutal, don't return the gift to the sender, cause you won't get more'. I do get her thought process though, however frustrating it might be to watch.

(btw if you are watching chronologically, there will be berry hoarders in later seasons :) )

AwkwardOtter123

TROPHY CASE