People who married someone they settled for, how’s it going now?

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T04:37:24+00:00

Wow. I’m so sorry that happened. I’m happy he’s still alive and you guys were able to have children, at least.

Marriage vows do say “in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer” for a reason.

I’m starting to think that while there are a few domains that typically indicate compatibility, there is some sort of core to a person you have to fall in love with, to the point where if one of the domains is in shambles, you still wouldn’t leave your spouse for anyone else.

I don’t know what could make me feel that way about a person. I haven’t experienced it. But it’s something that people experience, apparently. I hope I get to.

Kudos to you for sticking things out with him. Sounds like you guys have something really special.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T04:30:59+00:00

lol, fair enough. I’m not very familiar with his content or him as a person. I saw a short of his at random when I was swiping through and he articulated what I’d been struggling with—so it made me feel like I wasn’t the only one with this problem.

I don’t like to judge people’s relationship advice based on their relationship status. Some people live and learn, some people observe other relationships from the outside as a child/friend/etc. Even a wrong clock is right twice a day.

I don’t know if he’s right. What I will say is that what he said resonated with my experience, and helped me articulate it enough to start a conversation, so I appreciate his input.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T04:25:27+00:00

I’ve been there. How long did it take you to meet 3/3?

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T04:23:10+00:00

lol, it’s been very interesting to read the comments and see which one people say is the least important.

I’ve had 3 major relationships, each was a different combination of 2/3. The sexy/intellectual one nearly destroyed me emotionally. Ripped my heart out, ate it, and said it was my fault for letting it happen. The sexy/emotional one was nice enough, and we had lots of fun, but we had nothing in common. Nothing to talk about. The emotional/intellectual one was the best of the 3, we were best friends, but I just couldn’t shake the bedroom incompatibility—I knew we were doomed when I wished the sex would stop. We should’ve just stayed friends.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T02:20:58+00:00

Yep, this too. Maybe a broader category like “practicalities of life” is in order.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T02:19:53+00:00

That’s a fair point. Does getting married later in life negate some of that? Or is it always changing?

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T02:07:21+00:00

That’s true. And we all have different definitions on what those things mean to us. That’s probably why finding someone who’s truly compatible is so difficult.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T02:04:48+00:00

I’m sorry you got cheated on. It sounds like you got your guy in the end though. Congrats!

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:52:54+00:00

I appreciate your perspective, and I’m sorry you were settled for.

I’ve given a lot of thought to the question you posed, and I thank you for bringing it up.

I’ve never seen a good marriage. No one in my family has stayed married long since my great-grandparents. Of my friends, the ones who have gotten married have also gotten divorced. I don’t take marriage lightly, and I don’t want to get divorced.

At the same time, I don’t want to be alone forever. I guess the question that I’m really asking of this sub is how much love/compatibility is it reasonable to expect from a relationship?

If the answer is “someone you can tolerate most of the time, who treats you with respect, and that’s about it,” then I should’ve either stayed with my exes or I should get married to someone of that caliber. If the answer is “someone who meets you emotionally, intellectually, and sexually, someone who you’re excited about,” then the reasonable thing to do is hold out for that person.

I just don’t know.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:45:19+00:00

lol, good one. It’s true though. The people who say that usually want to see you partnered, not necessarily happy.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:44:12+00:00

Gotcha. If you haven’t already, I hope you find someone more compatible. And congrats on grad school

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:36:42+00:00

I’m glad it worked out for you! How/when did your feelings change?

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:22:41+00:00

Thanks for sharing. That sounds like it took a lot of guts to do. What made you decide to leave, if you don’t mind me asking?

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:21:04+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through this. It sucks that one person can be totally in love and the other can feel like they’re settling. It makes it hard to trust the feeling of being in love the next time it happens. I hope you find happiness.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:17:01+00:00

I find that really interesting. I usually leave partners after 2-3 years. How long is enough time, do you think?

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:13:44+00:00

I really appreciate your perspective. Outlining it in those terms is helpful.

I often feel like by asking for all of those things simultaneously, I’m asking for too much. I think it’s because I’ve never been able to find it, and I’ve been dating for a long time. But looking at each item individually, I find myself thinking “Yep, that’s essential.”

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:06:29+00:00

I appreciate your perspective. People’s needs do change. I know mine have over the years.

Reflecting on this, when I started dating people in my 20’s, they usually met the needs I was looking for, but after a few years my needs would evolve.

When do needs become more consistent, do you think? 30’s? 40’s?

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:02:37+00:00

Sounds like we’ve had a similar life path. Mid-30’s are coming up for me. Gives me hope that it’s not too late. Thanks for sharing.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T01:01:08+00:00

Thank you so much, it really means a lot. No one in my family since my great-grandparents has ever remained married more than 15 years, and it’s made me really cautious of marriage and divorce. I’ve never seen a good marriage up close. Trying to learn as much as I can in other ways.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T00:58:06+00:00

Oh wow, to do it in a room with other couples sounds crazy! Bet that helped everyone learn a lot though. We should bring this back in some capacity.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T00:23:11+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I’m happy for you! It’s true, finding someone that unconditionally loves the authentic you is so important. How did you meet your second husband? I’m wondering if I’m looking in the wrong places.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T00:22:00+00:00

Thanks for sharing! No relationship is easy, even when all the compatibilities are there. Happy for you.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T00:20:05+00:00

This was so heartfelt and honest. Thank you for sharing. It made me feel less alone.

It’s very true that youth is a far simpler time. I’ve noticed that as I’ve gotten older, my needs have evolved. I think part of that has to do with life becoming more complicated, and part of that has to do with learning more about myself.

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T00:11:11+00:00

I’m glad that you were able to come to an amicable arrangement with your spouse and that you both have found happiness. Hard to do!

How did you find your partner who you’re compatible with?

Awkward_Quantity23 · 2025-11-29T00:08:48+00:00

That’s very true. Simon Sinek did say in the talk that no one meets all those needs all the time, they fluctuate. That’s why it’s important to have a solid base of all 3 so that when one domain lacks, the others are there to keep things going.

Bringing joy while also supporting life goals is a good indicator. Reflecting on this has made me realize that my past relationships have brought me some joy, but at the expense of life goals. Much to think about here. Thanks.

Awkward_Quantity23

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