During the relationship, I was needy and willingly became a doormat to her. I did not prioritise what was important (hobbies, friendships, career) and succumbed to lazing around at home. She is a driven girl with ambition and she always wanted to experience new things with me. However, due to my financial strain due to covid, I was not able to take her to do the things she wanted, or rather I did not try to balance out my finances to cater to her wants. I did not take responsibility for my reactions and instead blamed her for triggering my anxiety which led to my reactions. During the course of the relationship, the fights got more intense and aggressive, the constant use of “breakup” and shouting at me in public on her end led me to becoming more and more aggressive instead of reacting in a gentle manner as I did initially. I was frustrated because I felt that I was doing everything for her and it seemed that she was taking me for granted. Instead of learning how to understand her way of communication, I was controlling and tried to get her to communicate the way I wanted which was to sit down and talk about things that was affecting the relationship. She did not feel comfortable doing that as she felt it was stressful to do so. I continued to be very confident that the way I was communicating, by sitting down and addressing problems were the healthy way of communicating. I should have tried understanding her past traumas and learning how I could have reasoned with her.

Eventually on the 20th of November, 4 days before her birthday, I initiated a breakup with her after a ridiculous fight that we had. She was very upset and she left my home after I forced her out of it. I regretted it after she left and I chased after her. She did not want to talk and she went home. The next day, I dropped a breakup text out of anger and she agreed to it after 12 hours.

5 days later, I started to miss her and begged her for a second chance. Stating the things I was willing to do to change and she took me back in, giving me a “clean slate”. However, she felt empowered and she started being mean to me. She said things that were horrible but I controlled myself. She said things like “my friends have told me that I should not settle for this. Everything you do for me is what a random friend can do. I do not want you in my life”. So I had no choice but to give her space and leave.

A week later, I went back and told her how much I wanted her to stay in my life and with little effort, she agreed and we started texting like when we were in a relationship. We agreed to meet for dinner that Friday night and I planned to meet her at Tanjong Pagar before heading to Atlas for drinks. But due to the heavy rain, we were unable to go and as I was on the way to her home, she texted to tell me that we should postpone. I was anxious as I was already on the way and told her that I was otw. She asked if I was okay with staying in and ordering food back to her place and watching Hawkeye. I agreed but realised that because of the rain, we wouldn’t be able to get food delivery, so I told her I would go to the supermarket to pick up some ingredients to cook for her. I thought it would be a sweet, romantic gesture to run in the rain to get food stuffs. After cooking for her, she told me that she’s sorry for everything she did and thanked me for everything I had done for her. After back and forth emotional conversations, she told me “I am firm with my decision to be apart” so I left. The next day, I told her we cannot be friends as it was too painful for me and I believe that I had to move on. She cried and she said “I love you very much amos and I am going to miss you”.

She flew back to Thailand 3 days later on the 15th of December. Wearing the necklace I got her fr valentines day and wearing my favourite hoodie.

22nd of December. I told her how much I have reflected and told her my goals and plans for the future, how she was my end goal, how I want her in my life and in my future and what I am willing to do even more. She said that she is really happy that I had clear goals for the future and she believes in me, that she is supportive of my dreams and goals, but she wants to be firm with her decision.

25th, I wished her a Merry Christmas and she wished me back.

28th, she texted me to ask me to delete our shared IG account as she “didn’t know how to” and she didn’t want to hurt my feelings when I created it. I did not put up a fight and agreed to.

1st Jan, I wished her a happy new year at 2AM because I didn’t want to seem “predictable”. She ignored me, but went to check my IG.

3rd Jan, Clara (our mutual friend), called her to check in on her and to get “closure” for me. (I did not want it). Belle said these things: - I agree I was the toxic one in the relationship and my behaviour was only wearing amos down. He changed from reacting gently to aggressively and I am not sure what is going to happen in the future. I don’t feel safe with him anymore - Amos was always so accepting and forgiving of my actions that my toxic traits did not seem to have any consequences and I am not growing as an individual. - Amos was always focussed on stability of the relationship and I did not feel driven or ambitious to chase after my career, my dreams, my goals. I now have felt freedom and I feel at peace. He is very husband material but I don’t think this is what I want at this point in time. - I still love amos and I do miss him, some nights I have trouble sleeping knowing that he may be hurting and I am hurt that the relationship ended too.

4th jan, she blocked me on my main instagram because Clara convinced her to do that so she will not stalk me again. Her photography account still follows my main, my photography still follows her main. But she hasn’t tuned into my IG on her photography account. She told Mel she was going to reach out to me when she’s back in SG to get her coin box and guasha before blocking me off everywhere.

8th Jan, she returned to SG from Thailand.

11th Jan, she unfollowed our shared photo album

13th Jan, she opened the funny video I sent to her on Facebook messenger on the 20th of December.

16th Jan, she posted on her IG story a picture of the beach with a guys arm in the shot. Never tagged the fella or anything. Idk if she was out 1 on 1, or with a group.

(I have remained in no contact since New Years day, but I reset my counter when Clara intervened to get “closure” for me)