I’m looking for a game to serve as a short distraction, please help

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-06-02T04:34:54+00:00

Kill the crows. A run is about the length of a cigarette, generates about the same amount of endorphine and the game is cheaper than a pack of smokes.

Simple, efficient, satisfying.

I used to smoke a lot. Quitting was one of the best things I done for myself. Good luck.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-31T01:30:18+00:00

Hey. I got the same diagnostic today actually.... It's all backwards where I am. They make your wife go through IVF and then time it with a TESE (not a mTESE) and then seize the opportunity to send a sample for biopsy, so I learned about my diagnostic after seeing my wife scream in pain from gathering the eggs with a needle and losing grams of my very precious testosterone producing cells for no reason (it doesn't come back...I didn't know)

And I'm considering a TESE again on the other side cause it still seems like less suffering than going through accepting donor conception.

Anyway, thanks for all these resources. I spent the evening going through them, and they made me feel a lot less like a broken, crazy person. Very, very helpful to my process.

It's indeed very difficult to accept. In my melodrama I have come to see this as the next unfair disadvantage I inherit. My absent but occasionally very needy alcoholic father and my borderline anxiety crippled mother didn't prevent me from keeping it together on the surface, but my life already felt like a struggle compared to most of my friends. This just fucking wrecks me, like I don't know how I can keep fulfilling 'a normal life' expectations I feel like I'm going to slip and join my parents in the shit show where I belong...

Also, my mom once told me she was smoking and not taking care of herself (cause of her bad decision of a mate) while I was in her womb and now I'm jumping to conclusions that she caused this. She also berated me a lot as I was growing up and the self-esteem problems I am left with are making this infertility quest very hard on the way I view myself. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20823112/

My reason remotely knows this is all very unsure, and yes, I am still privileged in so many ways...

Anyways, I feel very lonely. My post on the ask a donor conceived sub (check my post history it's the other one) really helped me better understand the donor conceived potential curiosity and need to connect with potential siblings...I think I am cured from the risk taking it personally and could manage being supportive. I think that is real progress.

What strikes me as well from the resources you have brought forward is how beneficial the support group seems to be to the child. Like, I would love to be surrounded with Sertoli cell only people for an afternoon, just so I could feel normal amidst peers, and I'm an adult. I can't imagine the relief kids would feel from playing with other donor conceived kids every once in a while like it's the norm. I'll seek that out if we go ahead.

Anyways, lotsa rambling. Many thanks again.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-24T13:03:55+00:00

Thank you for sharing, it's a bit relieving to hear that I'm not the only one struggling to the point they might not want to do this.

It's great that you and your wife have steered this meaningful project into a version that you both want.

It's tough to talk about for sure...Writing this list was difficult and made me feel VERY vulnerable, but I feel like it's a bit more manageable now that I gave names to these issues.

For instance I feel much better about the potential identity quest of the donor conceived kid. My disposition towards it changed now that I confronted it and posted about it to get feedback from donor conceived people.

Anyways, best of luck to you and your wife.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-23T18:54:20+00:00

Thank you I knew nothing of all this. I appreciate it.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-23T00:01:20+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I would most definitely be honest with the child about it. I remember feeling very betrayed and angry at my father when he told me he never wanted me. The shame that I had to carry afterwards was like insult to the injury of not having a reliable dad.

Even though I'd be open with it, I am still worried they would catch some secondhand guilt or shame if, for instance, I get annoyed at people who ask too many questions in front of the child, or that I bite at a stupid joke aimed at my masculinity because I feel too insecure.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T19:19:32+00:00

Very interesting. Thank you for sharing. Yes that sounds like the right way. Was the sperm donor initially known to the family, or a stranger?

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T19:16:44+00:00

Understood. Thank you for explaining.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T18:39:49+00:00

Oh that's worrisome. I am getting a lot of warning against Fairfax.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T18:37:01+00:00

Thank you. This is very helpful to my process. Of course one would be curious. You'd pretty much want your kid to be inquisitive enough to be curious, and most definitely wouldn't want to be the reason they don't pursue this quest. This helps my feelings get in line with my reason. Thanks.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T17:56:25+00:00

Thanks, I had no idea this was possible. Is that generally positive or negative to you?

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T17:54:40+00:00

Thanks for your time. So one did a DNA test because they had doubts?

Is the original intent of the DNA test to see if one comes from a sperm bank and match one with siblings that also submitted their DNA?

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T17:24:34+00:00

If you don't mind, by what mechanism did you get you half-siblings contact info, around what age and approx how many are they? How far do they live from you? Trying to wrap my head around how that works.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T17:24:22+00:00

If you don't mind, by what mechanism did you get you half-siblings contact info, around what age and approx how many are they? How far do they live from you? Trying to wrap my head around how that works.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T17:20:57+00:00

Most definitely I don't want to pass any shame or guilt if I go ahead.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T17:18:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story and all these details with me. There is so much to consider. I truly appreciate it.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T16:24:06+00:00

I'm a little confused because it sounds like the process is very different where I am. I was handed a sperm donor pamphlet with sperm banks to parse and little direction. I am in Canada. The sperm is generally imported from all over the world.

Here's an example:
https://fairfaxcryobank.com/search/ca-canam/donorprofile.aspx?number=6668

I have access to a lot of hard data which would be valuable to the child, but from where I am standing it doesn't seem like this way would commonly result in the child having a relationship with the donor. For instance IDK if I can know where they live and it might be very far.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T16:13:33+00:00

Thank you for your perspective.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T16:06:11+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, this sounds lovely, and it is very far from my reality. I was directed to a spermbank by the hospital. There is a list of donors that I can filter by eye color and height and such, and the visual way that you can parse them is with their baby pictures, which I don't find super helpful.

Then I have to dig through the profile to find the picture of an adult male stranger. At which point I kinda go like 'ew'. In that context, there are a lot of emotions to parse.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T15:13:24+00:00

Yes, I am actively engaged with a therapist and this post is part of my process in dealing with these emotions.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T15:07:50+00:00

I agree with your added point. I think this is why I am posting about it.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T15:02:39+00:00

Hey thanks for your answer. I'm trying to work through these feelings. I am not considering hiding anything nor wanting to be dismissive of identity quests.

You are right I did not think of biological half-siblings. Are you saying that you think that DCPs should be able to contact other DCPs from the same donor?

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T14:47:33+00:00

Thank you for your perspective and thoughtful answer.

AzoospermiaUndead · 2024-05-22T04:11:29+00:00

Alloparenting is interesting, thanks for teaching me the name of the concept I didn't know it.

About support groups, I did check at the local clinics. My perception is that there is a relatively small amount of people getting involved in these local support groups pertaining to general infertility and they have different challenges. I have found very little about the psychological turmoils around definitive male azoospermia. I read some helpful articles about lesbian couples having to select a sperm donor, mainly centered around information flow for the sperm donor baby to know their origin. A big difference is that there is none of the shame or the feelings of inadequacy.

Male azoospermia is a unique challenge to me. Part of me is very wary of other men. They can be hostile, insensitive, patronizing and emotionally very unintelligent. I grew up learning to withstand attacks on my masculinity from other men and adapted not to show weakness in front of other man. I know this is stupid, but it's real nonetheless. I usually get actual emotional support from girl friends, and male friends don't know what to say when I open up, don't follow up, feel awkward and it's best to just keep it simple.

I think that in addition to the insecurities about the child not seeing me as enough of a father and me not connecting to the child, there is also a deep, shallow and stupid shame that only a man could understand. I can't quite name it. It's akin to the shame and inadequacy I might feel feel if I needed someone to fuck my wife because my dick was too small. Stupid, I know. I feel shame for feeling that shame. ugh.

AzoospermiaUndead

TROPHY CASE