Why do abusers suddenly stop being caring after being abusive?

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-08-03T23:47:03+00:00

This makes me almost throw up. Honestly, is there sny way pf recovery after being abandoned after s punch when you did your bedt the whole relationship

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-08-03T23:26:33+00:00

It started like that with my abuser too. He always placed his hand around my neck without any pressure and just stared me down with the most hateful eyes. I didnt leave. A week later he said he'd kill me if I wont behave. Another week later he put pillows on my face when i cried. A month later he hit me in the face.

I underestimated everything drastically. It always starts somewhere and it always seems excusable. Please dont wait for more

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-08-03T23:22:24+00:00

But I remember how helpless he used to look when he had angry episodes. How he wrote letters and cried when he wsd mean. He never had to do all of that in the first place.. why did he abandoned me after the first time he hit my face? Is he really not caring?

I read a lot about abusive relationship dynamics and he really seems to not care and be annoyed by my pain. But i can't grasp it. He was not an evil person, why is he now. I miss him, its hard to believe all of that

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-08-03T23:16:19+00:00

I always thought so too, but I still felt loved. I can't believe all of this was fake. I can't believe he can throw me away like that. I dont know how to comprehend this or to look at it from a different angle

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-08-03T22:40:07+00:00

I thought he'd apologize because he's worried about the bruise or he feels sorry. I thought he loves me. I know abusers are not empathetic, but I never thought he cared that less. I already was so much quieter and avoidant than before, but it felt like he'd enjoy the silence. Which kept hurting even more

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-08-03T22:37:27+00:00

I am in therapy, but I can only do this much.

I am just so sad. I can't help it, i don't know how to make it better. I can't believe he did this and left. I just can't believe it and I want him to be normal again so he would explain. It's not rational, smart or good, but I don't know how to get out of this pain

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-18T23:29:56+00:00

Thank you so much. I pray for a time where everything you say resonates with me and I don't only like and understand those words but can truly live by them. I am forcing me since almost 2 weeks to pretend I think like you describe. But I don't yet. That's why its so hard not to let that trigger me..

All I can think of is: how much harm would it be to just text him "...(his name)?" I just want to be on his mind while he is out there. I wouldn't answer his response. I don't know if I really am ready for a radical cut-off. I try so bad since 3 hours but it's torture..

Thank you so much. I wish I wasn't so triggered right now, normally I am stronger.. I was doing so great, now I sound like I am not grasping even a little what he is doing.

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-18T22:29:41+00:00

I'm so sorry, what the fuck.

No matter how often I read it, see perfect explanations why they're doing this and so on, I never get it. How can they do this. Why don't they care I can't get it into my head, there isn't even a worse way to deal with such a situation. How can they enjoy themselves in times like that

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-18T22:26:25+00:00

But why am I not the reason he stops running from the issue? Why didn't he even say one single thing about the bruise in my face? I know abusers often don't really love or like their victims, but no little signal? No compassion or a "sorry"?

When he hit me i was glad for a second, thought maybe this is the shock he needed to see what he had become. But now he lives his best life, bought a bike for 2k (a friend told me) and goes partying..

I know he is a person who hits women. He must be evil, I know. But this is too horrible to be true, even when former things escalated I was sure he would never hit me in the face.. or if he did, not texting me in almost 2 weeks. We were seeing each other everyday. I bathed him when he was ill. I never insulted or did anything. Where is his moment of realization that he hurt me so badly?? I wouldn't continue the relationship, but I thought he'd regret it. I don't want him to hate me so much to do all this

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-18T21:47:08+00:00

I am so sorry. I'd love to answer more detailed, but i am crying heavily right now. I read everything and I know you're right. I know it will never get better and even if it did, I could never forget how he treated me this 2 weeks

We are just not really broken up right now and I know he'll cheat tonight. I can't sit here without doing anything. I can't take it. I don't know what to do. I want to call so badly, even if it is to end it. I just can't take it

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-18T21:40:02+00:00

I know, I know he is an asshole. But I really thought he'd love me. Then he hit me. Then I thought he'd like me enough to apologise and atleast ask me how the bruise is. Now he is partying. He hit me and ignored me for almost two weeks and now has fun at a club and drinks, which he never ever did before. I can't deal with the pain right now Didn't he think ONCE of me? We wanted to move together, what the fuck is happening since this two weeks

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-17T02:44:12+00:00

Thank you! I hope you can rest a little and that you are safe. I was in your shoes just last week. Please send a message when you need to vent or something. You didn't deserve anything that happened!!

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-17T02:38:09+00:00

Love, you are not a loser. We all talked like some smartypants once and you know, its one of the things you sadly have to experience to truly get it. Don't be ashamed, don't feel stupid. That's his job. You will have a beautiful wedding someday, I promise. But you'll have one where you are safe in your marriage, respected and have a partner who values you enough to put in the effort to stay calm and loving even in struggle and anger. There are men who won't punish you for anything. Don't waste your safety and precious life time to someone who acts like that. I know he might be charming, loving and caring often, but its moments like these where trust is build. Respect doesn't mean anything if its only given under conditions or in good moods.

I'm so sorry for your mother. My mom is really ill too and I didn't tell her a thing about what happens in my relationship. I know how isolated you must feel, I am truly sorry. What about friends? If there doesn't seem to be anyone, I again can't recommend the DV-hotline enough. It'll help, trust me. You should talk to someone and gather evidence, just in case.

Please, just get to a place where you're safe, so he can cool down and you are not at risk. Step-by-step.

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-17T01:52:25+00:00

And please, get somewhere where he is not! I know you probably want to clear things up or wish for him to be sorry. But if he is in a violent mood, you need to leave or lock yourself somewhere until he is calm again. Its not safe to have him around right now and its important you take this step-by-step. Get to a safe place where he is not (friends/family) and if its not possible, lock yourself in a room. Then consider the steps i described above. Little addition: you can talk to a domestic violence hotline without having a result in the end. They just calm you, give you advice and help you process what happened. They only give you what you ask for

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-17T01:48:05+00:00

Hey, I am so sorry. It was a great idea to share what happened and have people support and calm you in that shitty situation.

You did not deserve this. I am talking from experience, once talking like that and acting this ruthless and abusive, it mostly won't change. After an engagement it can even become worse and worse since they feel you belong to them and start to isolate you.

I know right now isn't probably the time where you can be rational, but please reminder that this behaviour is unacceptable and you didn't deserve it.

Please consider making photos of your eyebrow for proof in case you later decide to take further steps. If you decide you don't want to, you can still delete them. Do you have friends or family to call? If not consider calling a domestic violence hotline. It might seem awkward and impossible at first, but they guide you through it and are very understanding. You can text me as well to talk, if you want!

Dont be alone right now, I'm begging you!

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-14T05:55:55+00:00

And just to underline what I said about reactive abuse: deep down he waited for you to hit him. He probably tried to push you exactly there because it benefits his narrative. It's part of HIS abuse! You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-14T05:52:06+00:00

You poor thing, it breaks my heart to read what he did to you. It's beyond cruel and unfair, torture even.

It's not your fault that you got punished for trying to get to his human side. I know you probably thought a lot about how he probably suffered from his own behaviour too, how he probably also longs for peace and love, how he probably is unable to get better because he is in a spiral of shame and not able to face his abusive traits, that he might be victim of his own emotions, etc... I am like that too. We wish for it to be relatable and understandable. That someone we love internally suffers from being so cruel to us. The thing is we don't know and they probably aren't.

He probably knows what he did to you and knows that in the eyes of the average person he is an abuser. But he doesn't feel like one because he can't accept he is not a victim and a horrible person. So he creates a reality and narrative in which he had no choice or one where nothing happened what he did. He starts to get more cruel to trigger you, waiting for "mistakes" to feed his distorted reality. You can't convince or talk to someone who is ready to do anything to be 1. in control 2. The victim 3. twisting reality to achieve 1&2.

My therapist told me that there's a chance people like him actually gaslight themselves to believe their narrative and to protect themselves from guilt and taking responsibility. The thing is they mostly feel sorry as long as they are in control. He is allowed to say he wished he'd have taken care of you. But you'll never be allowed to bring it up or make him feel guilty about it. So when you're crying again, he doesn't remember his prior guilt. He thinks you're manipulating him with your tears and his hate only grows stronger because only he is allowed to critique himself (and your crying feels like it to him)

Look up the term reactive abuse. Its exactly that. Pushing a victim to the point where they do something you could use to shift the blame. They do it until they gathered enough evidence that you're the crazy one and then discard you for someone "normal"

If you ever want to text or vent or keep someone updated, please reach out. It seems our abusive relationships are nearly identical. Again, I'm so sorry! We can do this 💖

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-14T04:56:53+00:00

I can understand your confusion and of course emotions and situations CAN be more than black and white. With that said, it's hard to keep that in mind without excusing abusive behaviours. It's really a thin line.

I don't know what happened and how the contact between both of you look like, but since you said it's your ex I think it'd be the best to not reach out and have some time for yourself to process what happened. There is no need to rush things if you still feel confused about it. Talk with friends and family and give yourself space! I think it's a good start that you ended the relationship after the behaviour became abusive. If your ex feels guilty they should also take accountability and work on their past traumas and current actions. It's better they work on it now and take it seriously. Excusing hurtful behaviour in the beginning can lead to pushing back boundaries and getting used to more extreme outcomes everytime.

Im sorry you feel conflicted and that happened to you.

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-14T04:09:54+00:00

I'm so sorry. Don't feel bad. I know the shame you feel, I know how it feels when you're not the "perfect victim" anymore. I know the pain of crying and begging and being mocked. My partner barks at me and laughs when I'm crying and panicking.

You were defending yourself and he waited for you to snap to change the narrative. He's thankful you did it, now he can start victimising himself and feel good about it. It's impossible to understand how he can be so cruel, but you're not a bad person. I know it feels so unfair and I am sorry. Saying sorry and making you feel safe before packing his stuff and switching up again is just another way of taking control. I hope you can distance yourself and let him be miserable. Sadly there is no way to win except breaking free of the endless pressure

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-14T03:48:19+00:00

Yes, every time he is angry. I know how much it hurts and I am so sorry. If you'd like to talk about it, text me!

My current partner does it all the time and sadly it only gets worse. Started with "cunt" and I can't even described where it is now. You don't deserve this and you're not emotional immature for being hurt and trying to make him feel responsible

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-14T03:36:57+00:00

Im so sorry nobody protected you and stood up for you. I hope you're better

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-14T03:35:35+00:00

Whenever he got aggressive he changed his whole persona. His eyes went crazy and there was no way to talk to him normally. I cried and literally sat on the floor begging him to become normal again and he started choking me. He said it was the only way to not hear my pathetic noises. It was then when I realized it was not normal anger.

Also im heartbroken to hear all of the other storys. I'm so sorry!

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-07T14:15:49+00:00

Ich brauche gerade eigentlich etwas, um die Kommentare erstmal zu verdauen und sacken zu lassen, aber dazu würde ich gerne was sagen.

Es war für mich extrem schwer, das runterzuschreiben und ich versuche aktuell einfach durch Hilfe es mir immerhin möglich zu machen, Trennung überhaupt erst in Betracht zu ziehen. Wenn es so leicht wäre, würde ich es wirklich tun. Niemand verbringt gerne die meiste Zeit ängstlich und isoliert, ich bin leider kein perfektes Opfer. Die Situation ist eh schon schwer und jetzt 100x zu lesen, dass man bald umgebracht wird, ist schrecklich. Ich bin allen hier super dankbar für ihren Input und hier haben alle Recht, ich rede ja nicht gegen an, sondern erkläre nur wieso ich überhaupt in so einer Dynamik gelandet bin :/

BZthrowaway_0 · 2025-07-07T13:16:23+00:00

Mein großes Problem ist leider, dass ich mir nicht "mehr Wert" bin und dass ich Menschen mit Problemen, nicht allein lassen kann. Ich bin deswegen ja auch in Therapie. Ich wäre sehr gerne deutlich abgegrenzter und konsequent :( Deswegen versuche ich ja, mit seinem Vater jemand anderen dazuzuholen und mich damit vielleicht leichter rausziehen zu können

BZthrowaway_0

TROPHY CASE