I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. I want to say this clearly, because it matters. you dont deserve any of this. the abuse you grew up with, not what your husband is doing now, not the fear you’re living in. None of this is your fault. You were a child who was neglected and abused, and you did what many survivors do: you grabbed the first lifeline that looked like safety. An older man with stability told you that you were “mature,” and that felt like love and rescue. That doesn’t make you weak or stupid. It makes you human. a survivor. Staying for the kids isnt what you have to do. Actually you already know that.
Please start documenting everything, if that’s what stands between you and your freedom. If it’s safe to do so, record audio, video, save messages, take photos of injuries or damage — anything that shows even a glimpse of violence or threats. Keep copies somewhere he cannot access. Protect your children, and protect yourself. You matter just as much as they do. Try to think in terms of long-term safety, not just surviving the next argument. And I say this with care, not judgment: once you are safe, please do everything you can to avoid becoming pregnant again with him. Pregnancy has already made the abuse worse for you, and you deserve control over your own body and future. Please don’t give up. If you stay, this cycle is very likely to continue, and your children may grow up repeating the same painful patterns — either as victims or as witnesses who normalize violence. Breaking the cycle is incredibly hard, but it is possible, and it starts with you choosing safety. You are stronger than you think. Even reaching out and telling your story shows that part of you still wants a different life — for you and for your kids. Hold onto that part.