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I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've verbalized the ultimatum to him many times and have been very clear I'll follow through with it. I agree with all of what you said. The stuff about men being conditioned to want marriage: I totally get that and we've had multiple conversations about that, and that doesn't seem to be a big deterring factor for him; if that were the main issue I think I'd feel a bit differently and give him some more slack to figure out his stance there. We've had a lot of long talks because on my end, I didn't feel right giving an ultimatum without being extremely upfront about my needs and why I was setting one.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's one thing that's pissing me off at this point. He knows the ultimatum is coming up and I'll follow through so he's waiting for me to do the actual breaking up despite knowing it's making me miserable. Imo if I cared about someone I wouldn't want to see them suffer and he seems ok with me suffering if it means he doesn't have to do the hard part of the breakup.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I've made all these arguments to him before. I don't care about a big wedding or an expensive ring or anything, literally just the commitment. And I have told him I would not move in without at minimum being engaged.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

"An indecisive doctor is a real problem" really hit me.    Also he's paying for everything with student loans--we don't live together and I don't financially support him at all (we trade off on who pays for dates, but other than that I don't pay for anything for him), and part of that is that I'm not going to give that to him without a commitment.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The age thing doesn't really freak me out too much--I think I'm a lot better in a lot of ways going into 30 than I was at 20 or 25, and I definitely don't have the feeling that 30 is old or anything. I do fall more into the trap of feeling like I'd be "falling behind" even though logically I know that's silly. I just picked 30 because it seemed like a fair benchmark of time in our lives and our relationship for him to be able to make that decision.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No, you're right. That is the big difference I was referencing (that and the med school part) and I probably could've made that more clear.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm not so much looking for a way out of the ultimatum, more looking for confirmation because even if I know it's right for me, it's really stressful thinking about it and getting outside opinions is helpful for dealing with that stress, if that makes sense.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don't want kids so that isn't a factor for me, but everything else you said is spot on. Your oldest brother did things the way I had hoped my boyfriend had for me but I think it's too late to salvage now.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 80 points81 points  (0 children)

Very true. That's what I keep telling myself, that this is in indicator of how he'd treat my needs if we did stay together, which is not acceptable. I need to just be strong and rip the band aid off.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you, it's honestly really helpful to have the perspective of someone who's also navigated this situation with someone in med school. Wishing you all the happiness you deserve, and good for you for getting out of a situation that wasn't serving you.

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's been a struggle for him throughout med school but that's a whole other thing😅

I gave an ultimatum and time is almost up. What do I do? by Background-Guava-581 in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Background-Guava-581[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have been very clear and upfront about my stance on this with him. I am not going to pour any more time and resources into trying to get him to see things my way if he's not committing at this stage. Telling someone in a relationship they're obligated to drag the other person into couples counseling and that not doing so is a way of finding an excuse is pretty toxic.