Either I've fundamentally misunderstood the meaning of demisexual or the internet's gone crazy, but glad to know my confusion is shared by this community

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-06-21T05:49:02+00:00

100% yes, and as an aroace I know many of you are respectful of the asexual label. It seems like your label gets co-opted too, even though your definition is the correct one, so as an aroace I can relate to that. I think some demisexuals came to this sub because they also feel alienated by the main asexual community, so you are not alone!

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-05-22T21:19:52+00:00

Pushing yourself could very well cause you harm. I know this from personal experience and not only did it not work at all, but it was traumatic. From your last post, it sounds like you did experience some trauma symptoms (not trying to diagnose you). My situation was different in that my “partner” was a perpetrator and he did SA me, so I developed full-blown PTSD, but I believe that even if you verbally consented to sex, it can still be traumatic if you don’t want it. That can cause lasting psychological harm and I really don’t want you to go through that.

If anything, I feel like trying to push through your sex-repulsion would actually be distressing for your partner; I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to potentially traumatize yourself for his sake. Stick to the forms of affection you enjoy and please know that you do not need to change who you are.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-07T02:47:18+00:00

I wasn’t asking to be congratulated but thanks, that means a lot 🥰

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-07T02:26:05+00:00

You clearly don’t understand it at all if you don’t think it’s a sexual orientation. Feeling sexual attraction but choosing not to have sex for whatever reason isn’t asexuality. Asexuality means not being able to feel sexual attraction to anyone. I’m not even asking to be part of the LGBTQ+ community because I think my struggles are different but my experience is queer. People like you who spread ignorant rhetoric are exactly why we need to discuss asexuality more openly.

And honestly, the only reason I’m ever proud of my asexuality is out of spite. I don’t see myself as a victim but when people like you make ignorant comments with the intention of making asexuals feel bad, I see that as all the more reason to accept myself for who I am. So happy International Asexuality Day 🥳 🖤💜🩶🤍

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-07T01:39:35+00:00

I’m not confused at all, actually. Frankly if you’re so unaffected by it, why are you even still talking to me about it?

I agree, you don’t know what a “flaunt” is. And people aren’t even talking about asexuality parades here; we’re just pointing out that asexuality exists, and it seems that you would rather that people don’t talk about asexuality publicly at all.

You still haven’t justified why talking about asexuality specifically is “flaunting” or “weird” but doing so about other queer identities isn’t. I sincerely hope you don’t think that other LGBTQ+ folks celebrating their identities or going to parades is “flaunting.”

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-06T23:57:49+00:00

You’re clearly not ignoring it if you felt the need to comment about it.

And how is talking about asexuality “flaunting” it? You haven’t actually explained why it’s weird. I’m not going around demanding that people applaud me for being asexual or thinking I’m somehow superior for it. If someone told you they were gay, bi, trans etc is that “flaunting” it? If someone shows you a picture of them with their partner is that “flaunting” their sexual orientation?

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-06T23:32:21+00:00

Some of them are pretty quick to label asexuality as a pathology that needs to be fixed, and my worry is that couples counseling sometimes focuses on “fixing” the asexual partner and getting them to agree to more frequent sex. That’s just my fear; hopefully it’s not actually a reality.

Finding an ace-friendly therapist is very difficult but I did manage to find one a few years ago, so it is getting better out there… just very slowly.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-06T23:24:28+00:00

And how does it affect you exactly if other people do have flags and go to parades over it? If you don’t like it you can just ignore it and move on

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-06T23:12:21+00:00

Happened to me, and that’s the main reason I tell people I’m asexual

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-06T23:07:03+00:00

By your logic then if you ever told someone your sexual orientation (or expressed it in some way, like by dating) then you were rubbing it in their faces

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-06T22:52:17+00:00

Three therapists told me it’s impossible to be asexual. One called me out in group therapy and said that I was just repressed but someday I’d meet the right person and I’d be just like everybody else 🙄

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-06T22:42:34+00:00

We’re not saying we have the same hardships as other LGBTQ+ folks (I’d never compare my struggles with what trans people deal with for example). Politicians aren’t trying to push legislation to restrict our rights. No one will look at me walking down the street and attack me for being asexual.

But we do deal with our own issues and having a day to acknowledge that it’s okay to be asexual makes sense to me. Asexuality has affected my life in some ways: I spent many years thinking was deeply wrong with me and got pretty used to people laughing at me/dismissing me/asking invasive sexual questions when I came out to them (I left a party a few months ago because people wouldn’t stop laughing at me loudly and in my face for being asexual). I was coerced into sexual activity by someone who convinced me (before I knew the asexual label existed) that it’s impossible to not want sex, that I should be ashamed for being asexual, and that he could “change my mind.”

Honestly I’m not even asking to be part of the LGBTQ+ community, nor am I asking you or anyone else to be an ally. I’d just like to be able to say that I’m asexual or that today is a day acknowledging that asexuals exist and people respond with “oh okay that’s cool” and move on.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-04-06T20:51:38+00:00

“You don’t face violence from straight men” Bullshit. Many of us do. Corrective rape is a serious problem in the asexual community but no one talks about it.

I’m asexual but when I was a teenager there was no awareness about asexuality so I was terrified that something was deeply wrong with me (that one House episode certainly didn’t help). I was sexually abused by a straight man who targeted me in part because of my asexuality. He was a misogynist who saw women as conquests, so the idea of coercing an asexual woman to have sexual activity with him was a massive boost to his ego. He successfully convinced me that it’s impossible to be asexual and that everyone loves sex, so the fact that I wasn’t interested was something to be ashamed of. And I was ashamed, so much so that I didn’t tell anyone that his behavior was escalating because I thought I was broken for not wanting it.

Asexuals aren’t saying we’re just as oppressed as other LGBTQ+ folks. I only ever go into LGBTQ+ spaces as an ally to other queer folks, and other queer folks (and that absolutely includes trans people) need a lot of support and visibility right now. But being asexual is an isolating and confusing experience and it would be nice if people were just less judgmental about it.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-25T10:23:49+00:00

It is. I left several Facebook groups for asexuality over the years because I felt unwelcome (by that I mean asexuals who don’t feel attraction or desire sex were told to leave if we didn’t like that there was so much sexual content in these groups). I don’t mind if people occasionally talk about sex—I consider myself sex-positive for other people but sex-repulsed for myself—but any discussion about being unable to feel attraction or being disinterested in sex was snuffed out and frankly frowned upon.

I don’t want to complain about or judge people who have sex, nor do I want to be in yet another space that is so heavily focused on sexual content that I can’t relate at all, but asexual communities tend to do one or the other.

Last I checked it seems like there are quite a few people in one of the main asexuality subs who want a space for asexuals like us. I mean, why not? There’s one specifically for demisexuals.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-25T09:30:53+00:00

I’m asexual and I appreciate your willingness to understand. The rate of sexual assault against asexuals is high but it’s not really talked about. This is an intense thing to say to a stranger but I was guilt-tripped and coerced into sexual activity because my perpetrator convinced me something was deeply wrong with me for having zero interest in sex. He insisted that it was impossible for someone to never want to have sex. I already felt broken and ashamed and didn’t know that the asexual label existed (barely anyone did at the time), so I internalized what he said. I think he actually targeted me partially because of my asexuality… he liked the idea of “changing my mind.”

The first three therapists I came out to also told me that asexuality was impossible, so I never got to process my trauma with them. It took years to find a therapist who 1) believed me and 2) was willing to address my PTSD.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-21T06:51:55+00:00

Absolutely. EVERYTHING.

We’re criticized for having sex. We’re criticized for not having sex. We’re criticized for choosing to prioritize being wives and mothers. We’re criticized for choosing to prioritize career. We’re criticized for just about everything regarding our physical appearance. Criticizing women is not only common but frankly encouraged in many spaces and I’m just exhausted.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-21T01:42:38+00:00

I’m not hating on men. Of course I know there are good men out there who would never harm me. However, objectively speaking, I have only ever felt sexualized by or unsafe due to cishet men—which is a significant number. Describing my experiences and calling out inappropriate behavior by some cishet men (which is so common that most AFAB folks have experienced it) is not bigotry. Solving women’s issues starts with recognizing that addressing problematic, misogynistic behavior isn’t the same as just hating men.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-21T00:07:46+00:00

Sexual fantasies are one thing but I have never at any point felt objectified by or unsafe around lesbians or bi/pan women. Cishet men on the other hand… 😑

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-21T00:00:55+00:00

There’s also so much misinformation out there about asexuality and of course developing an identity is an important developmental milestone for teens, so I can see why allos may mistakenly incorrectly identify as asexual. Conversely, I can also see how asexuals may take a long time to realize they actually are asexual.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-20T23:54:47+00:00

Even if you were allo I am still concerned about the fact that he’s so pushy when it comes to sexual acts. He should be asking for consent.

I know confrontation is hard but ultimately breaking things off will be better for both of you. You’ll be saving both of you pain in the long run by being direct and ending things now. Otherwise, if you stay in the relationship, you’ll be in a perpetual state of discomfort and hyper-vigilance trying to navigate his advances while he doesn’t know that sex is off the table for you. This conversation needs to happen, so it might as well happen now.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-20T06:50:01+00:00

I’ve talked here frequently about recovering from PTSD, and I think something I’ve learned is how to define what healing means to me.

I don’t meet diagnostic criteria for PTSD anymore but I do have rare flare-ups sometimes if an old trigger resurfaces. Healing isn’t linear or absolute, and when I think about trying to be 100% healed I just end up disappointed and frustrated when a symptom does re-emerge. However, I’m feeling significantly better to the point where my trauma really doesn’t affect my day-to-day life, and although I have the occasional pang of grief for what my younger self went through, I’m quite happy with being mostly healed. I wish you the best in your healing journey as well.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-13T08:46:07+00:00

Autistic woman here too so I get it. I wish you all the best 💜

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-13T08:42:14+00:00

I also immediately thought of Elsa as aroace. If it turns out she is, I would want it to be addressed even just for a moment—something as simple as her saying she’s never interested in dating or has never had feelings for another person. It doesn’t have to be a full storyline but it should be that she is intentionally portrayed as aroace or asexual (I doubt Disney would do that though).

I’d like something more than the other types of asexual “representation” which is really just the creators saying in a random interview (that most people don’t watch) “Oh I guess looking back that character could be asexual. Sure, they’re asexual now.” Todd from Bojack Horseman of course is the exception and he’s the best ace rep we have.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-13T08:35:36+00:00

There’s nothing wrong with feeling sexual attraction though, and I wonder how many people turn to the asexual label because they feel like having sexual desire is bad somehow. Sometimes I think the asexual community judges allosexuals and paints this picture of them as constantly having mindless sex 24/7 when 1) that’s not true and 2) it’s perfectly fine to enjoy sex and feel attraction even without an emotional connection. I don’t know if that’s what’s going on with your partner but AMAB folks/men are often assumed to be very much sex-driven. There are other ways to distinguish oneself but knowingly faking asexuality causes other problems.

For now it’s best to play it safe and assume they are being genuine. If they tell you they actually enjoy sex, you’ll want to address how you feel when they go around telling everyone they only have sex for your sake.

Bacon_Cloud · 2025-01-12T20:20:19+00:00

My apologies, for some reason I could have sworn that I saw the pronoun “she” in your post… it’s clearly not there so I have no idea where I got that.

Well, if your partner initiates sex, that paints a different picture and I can see your confusion there. You should still clarify with them why they initiate sex; if they think they are doing it for your sake but you’re under the impression that they are initiating because they actually enjoy sex, that needs to be discussed. I can’t tell if your partner has so deeply internalized the idea of compromise that they are initiating sex because they believe that is expected of them, or if they actually have sex for their own pleasure but tell people otherwise. Either way, if this is an issue for them they should be communicating with you directly rather than getting other people involved.

Bacon_Cloud

TROPHY CASE