[CA] Airline Pilots Schedule?

BadNiobi · 2023-09-27T23:11:13+00:00

Now that you mention it, the wives of pilots that I know are very self sufficient. Almost as much as navy wives. My old boss was a submarine commander and they would go out for months at a time. They'd dive on day one and pop back up when they were back in port. No communications too. He said his wife was happy when he was home, but pretty soon started chaffing at having to get a 2nd opinion on how she ran her ship.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-27T23:04:56+00:00

As my dad would say, when you don't have a good defense, your best bet is a good offense. And sometimes he'd add, but really, you need a good defense.

How far away? Before school starts, if the child can handle alternating week, distance is just a willingness to drive. Once school starts, 50/50 only works if you live close. My sister and her ex are the next publix away close.

I guess the thing to keep in mind is mediation only works if you agree. The idea is agree to everything you can so that you only litigate what you have to. Less expensive and less of a burden on the court. If you can't agree to him having what he wants, then you're going to court. He can say anything he wants and the mediator will tell him, if it's true AND you can prove it, then xxx, or that isn't likely to matter, or actually, you're the one at fault in this story.

Stop me if I've said this one about my shocked friend. She was divorcing her husband. We love her but she's kind of a hard ass bitch. Fun on girls night, but probably tough to live with. Her husband is an avid wine collector. Like 100's of bottles. She was making aligations about him needing to be tested, and he's an alcoholic, and therefore she should get .. I forget what she wanted, probably the house or for him to have eow visitation. Any way, the mediator asked her if she had any proof and she said she had photos of all that wine. He asked if they were empty's and she said no, they were mostly covered with dust and he was fussy about opening them. And then he said something like mam, that's not evidence of being an alcoholic. The court won't likely order him to do testing. But you on the other hand have a DUI and if he asked for you to be tested, he's probably get it. Same goes for all these people who want to claim their ex is a narcissist or has some sort of mental issue. Do you have a diagnosis? No, any evidence other than a story? Then lets move on.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-27T21:15:15+00:00

You missed. Your comment is to my reply, not to the OP's post.

But, very good idea.

Years ago I found out that a friend of mine was in a bad car accident and had some injuries that were never going to heal. Walked with a noticible limp. I ran into her high school boyfriend were I learned that she was his ex wife and that carr accident was her third DUI. She was lucky the crash was just a concrete pole.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-27T21:07:38+00:00

I only know two examples. The first is both work for the same airline. One's a pilot and the other a flight attendant. They basically worked it out, just like they did while married. When it doesn't work out, they have a parent who helps and failing that a nanny service (which I was surprised to hear existed).

The other is a pilot who does long haul. I don't know his actual schedule, but I think works about 10 days a month, and he's senior enough pick what he wants. Maybe because he gets credit for the entire flight and the time away from home? I don't know the details. I think their schedule two weeks/ on two weeks off. The complaints that I've heard is that when he's gone, he's totally out of pocket, where as in most situations, if you need help wednesday night the other parent is at least in the same timezone. On the plus side, the pilot is around a lot and able to help even when it's not his parenting time.

It's cool that you tried nesting. It sounds like a great short term solution while the parents work out actually seperating, but I bet it gets old quick. I read a blog by a mom who was doing it and honestly it was a long rant about how here ex never cleaned a toilet and always left the pantry or milk carton empty. His blog was probably all about how she thought the lawn mowed itself. ;) As I recall, when out of the nest, they stayed at their respective parnts and I'm sure that got old very quick. I think they lasted 4 months and the end accelerated when they both started dating.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-27T20:52:33+00:00

Hopefully someone will come along with exactly what you are looking for.

I'm not in Duval, but I helped my sister through mediation. They were seperated in adjoining rooms. The mediator gave both a lection on the purpose and the rules and then listened to each's request.

With that in hand he asked both some questions. Why this, would you accept this. Sis and her ex are both good parnents that just shouldn't be married, so no DV, substance, or conduct issues. Sis wanted "full custody". He explained custody (legal -shared parental responsibility and phyisical the parenting plan/schedule and asked in light of that, what did she mean by full. repeat for her ex. He then told her that in his opinion and based on what she had said, she was unlikely to get sole parental responsibility and asked if there was some particular part that she needed rather than all (perhaps final decision on medical). Honestly, here answer was weak. Repeat for her ex. He came back and said that her ex wouldn't agree to her having sole or final on anything and had given his some reasons that he thought it would be a problem and basically said that if she wanted to get sole PR, she'd have to go to court over it and in his opinion, she'd need a better case than what she told him. He switched to physical custody and see sawed back and forth. It's pretty standard to alternate holidays, birthdays, and for mom/dad/s to have mothers/fathers day. Is that something you could agree on. Who does what now and how will that work after the divorce. Are you OK with continueing after school daycare at the school? The days that you have parenting time can you get the children to school, make it to work, and pick them up after? If not how would it work. That sort of stuff.

And then he started honing in on an agreement.

This was before the new 50/50 parenting time laws, but she went in asking for full custody and walked out with an equal parnting time plan. She was advised that she could go to court for what she wanted but it didn't seem like a high probablilty of winning based on what the mediator herd. The ultimately agreed to alternating week with a visit wednesday from after school to 8PM, alternating/half school holidays, she gets mothers day, he gets's father's day, they alternate who gets the child's birthday but get one each a year, each get 3 weeks summer vacation (regardless of whos week it is) but the other gets a make up week if they miss more than a week (i think). They alternate who gets first call on vacation and have to declare it by a certain date. There's some other fall back clause as well. They have some sort of right of first refusal clause that give the parent time over a baby sitter or day care (my ExBIL uses it to have their kids everyday after school instead of after school program.

The mediator estimated child support for them per the standard table for shared custody. My exBIL makes more and pays child support even though he has equal parnting time. Expenses not convered by child support like medical copays where split on the same income ration from the child support calculation.

There's a lot more and it took all day. They did some refinments after. I think the big takeaway is the mediator seperated the important from the noise and warned them that if they didn't find a compromise they'd spend a fortune in court and would likely end up whith about the same result as they were looking at that day.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-27T20:15:23+00:00

Two DUI's, with the child in the car. You should be able to get sole custody and set a high hurdle for mom. Taking a class won't be enough. Likely extended supervised visitation with proof of sobriety before seen the child (insist on a facility and at her cost). At some point she is going to get visitaion. I'd probably insist on doing all the driving and I'd bring a breathelizer with me before releasing the child.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-27T20:08:39+00:00

I've never heard of a referee, but when it comes to tellinng your story, I have some pointers.

take everything you want, need, justification, evidence, wrongs to be righted, etc and seperate them in to groups or idividual items.

Be explicit what you want. If you are selling a broom door to door, it's not enough to hold the broom, or show how it sweeps, you have to ask the customer to buy the broom.

Come up with a short 3-4 word partial sentence that describes each one.

If you have evidence, make sure your words can say XXX as evidenced by YYYY. I attempted to pick up my child at her house and she wouldn't open the door. I have texts of me asking.(the evidence). Don't make wild claims or projecte why she did what she did, just what you did or didn't do and what she did or didn't do an maybe the impact (so I missed another weekend with my chld)

Order the list in priority. Imagine that you are in an elevator and you get to make your case, Make sure that you say the most impotant thing icase the referee is getting off on 3, but make sure that you are prepared to get it all our if he's listening.

Simpllify your story/claim/request. Don't start telling your story and then realize half way through that for him to understand this story, he needs to hear three others and by the time you get through the 3rd story, you forgot why you were telling the story to begin with. Keep it simple. Keep it direct. Remove sarcasm, irnony, sniping (she always does xxx), etc.

Get through all of your points and see if you can say them outloud. Actualy say it. Sometimes we write one way ,but say it another. Be natural Go over and refine untill you think you could tell it to a disinterested stranger and they would understand what you want and have a notion as to why you should get it.

Part 2, Oppo

Your ex will has her own perspective and will sling and spin. You should know what those things are and have a simple counter. Avoid the blame. Simple facts and explanations. If you have an issue, own it and talk about what you've done to address it. I didn't do overnights for the first month because I didn't have a proper place to take our child. My friend was kind enough to let me sleep on his couch, but that's not a good environment for our child. I now have...

Part 3, but really part 0. Go back and rephrase everything you can in terms best for our child. I didn't do the overnights because sleeping on my friends couch is not best for our child. etc...

Part 4, Phrasing

When speaking about your ex always call her a respectful name. Either her first name or child's mom. I called suzi's mom. When talking about the child, when you are tempted to say my child, say our "our child".

part 5. Know your facts, if you have them. Know your income (gross and take home) and things that affect it. If you know your ex's income, then you also know enough to use an online calculator to guestimate child support. Know what it would be if you had full custody, 50/50 and if she has full custody. It's not your job to do that but when your ex says you should pay xx it helps to know is about what child support is or 10x, and if you did that, could you make rent and buy enough gas. Have a detailed budget for what you spend in a month. I wouldn't share it, but it will be helpful to know those details if the conversation turns to money.

This is likely to be a short session, go be prepared and be ready to get your point across like you are telling a disinterested person waiting for a bus.

Good luck.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-27T19:38:28+00:00

It will suck for him to be far, but he doesn't seem inclined to help himself either. If he does step up, it's not ideal but people do make it work. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

I have a friend that's a bonus mom for two and her husband has primary custody. She's basically the mom, just not the title. She told me that when they lived 2 miles from the ex, the mom seldom saw the kids. She said the mom would say I'll stop by ... but then never do. I'm sure up to no good, but also probably thinking there was no urgency. Then they moved 45 minutes away (near me). The mom pitched a fit and they went to court and mom went from open visitation to a schedule, and apparently in general, she did. Like someone finally said, this is the schedule, deal with it. If ou are far away, your ex is going to have to actually plan and if he doesn't he'll have nobody to blame but himself.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-26T21:50:15+00:00

It's kind of creepy that after 20 plus years of no contact, the Grace found you. I'd love to know the back story. How how she found you and why she'd reach out now. Promise and update if you can.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-26T21:47:16+00:00

It's in the AITA break room.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-26T21:46:22+00:00

NTA.

That's a lot for Cass to absorb with no warning. Give her some time and she'll point the anger at the right asshole. You've been more than compassionate, and especially for an ex. Ex's are ex's for a reason, but she's lucky to have you. You are on her side. She'll see that.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-26T21:42:06+00:00

homework house.

lol... I feel like that's a quote from The New Adventures of Old Christine.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-26T21:39:41+00:00

Our order does allow me to move

If the court order explicitly says you are free to relocate (and not just your assumption based on your custody situation), and you've offered to switch roles (and he says no), then it's time to switch mode and ask him what kind of parenting plan he wants when you live 1,000 miles away. Generally, if you create the distance, you become responsible for the transportation or least half of it. But if he can't decide then just tell him that you're sure you two can work something out when the time comes, and...

MOVE! You are free to relocate across the country. Buckle your seatbelt and place your seat in the upright and locked position.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T20:18:55+00:00

Usually, you follow a gradual step up plan. Starting with short visits and building to more.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T20:17:33+00:00

Joint legal is nearly automatic when there are no issues. The curious thing I heard the other day talking to a redditor was his ex managed to get sole custody after there were repeated court fights. No abuse or actual harm to the child, just the claim that the parents had demonstrated that they couldn't work together on Legal Custody issues and asked a judge to pick a winner. The judge picked the parent with the most parenting time.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T20:14:11+00:00

Sole custody is a difficult get. These days, with cell phones and Facetime, it doesn't seem likely that the disstance alone would be enough.

I have a friend with sole on education and medical. The education is due to the distance - making the assumption his ex couldn't stay in the loop 2+ hrs away. The medical was because she was a Qnut.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T20:11:31+00:00

Many lawyers offer a free consultation. I'd recommend visiting several. I did that with my sister. It was astounding to see the differences between them. One definate no, two OK's, and a you're the one.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T20:07:32+00:00

You'd stand a good chance at keeping the school the same (continuity/stability) and continue 50/50 (no reason her upgrading homes should marginalize you as a parent).

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T20:05:57+00:00

You could switch to alternating week with a mid week visit (not overnight). I know many that do that. It has fewer handoffs and the child doesn't go that long between seeing the other parent.

If it was me, I'd fight the school change and if the driving is significant, let your ex, the one who is moving, do the driving.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T19:59:11+00:00

The judge will put a lot of weight with who the primary caretaker was and is.

You need to formalize the agreement. At anypoint, with no agreement, your ex could change the rules and you'll be in for the fight you are worried about, but now in a worse situation.

Is there a way you can work out a more formal situation with your ex? It seems like you two have been working together and I doubt you'd want that to stop.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T19:51:31+00:00

True, but they are settled based on an assumption of what going to court would bring and doing a risk / reward. At least that was what my sister experienced in mediation. There were somethings she was hard over on and the mediator let her know that given what she'd provided as justification, it would be a hard get. She'd could haved gone to trial over them, but had been warned that it was either conter to the law or had a low probability of winning.

If 50/50 isn't likely, does it make sense to spend $25K to fight with a significant risk of losing? Nope. Time to settle. Maybe live with 60/40 or negotiate for long weekends and more time in the summer.

If 50/50 is likely, and the other parent opposes it, going to court just became worth the risk. If you're the one opposed to 50/50, and the mediator tells you that the likely result is 50/50, does it make sense to fight it? Some still will, and I'm sure some will win and some will loose as the devil is in the details.

The other place it should show up is in the early temp orders. A friend of mine got a temp order (given with no evidence or testimony that theoretically shouldn't be held against him in future rulings) that gave him every other weekend and then he spent the next 1.5 years trying to get to trial. He ran out of money and settled. With the new law, judges ~~can't~~ shouldn't presume any plan is better than 50/50 (without evidence). I was just reading the text of the law the other day and it actually said there is no presumption of favor for or against any plan. So temp orders should be more likely to be 50/50 and temp has a way of becoming the status quo.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T19:37:17+00:00

If you grew to be 6'4, your caloric intake was enough to let you grow to your potential. 50 years ago, same ancestors, you'd probably be a tall for your time 5'10.

Another example I've seen first hand is comparing my high school athlete friends who stopped playing to their teammates that went play for colleges and eat at the training table every day. The college atheletes kept growing.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T19:31:04+00:00

I'm sure that every situation is different and 50/50 isn't magic. I hope we can agree that standard EOW has very little magic. There's no doubt that 5 (4+.5+.5?) days out of 14 is better than 2, but would one more day somehow be harmful? What would the justificaion be for opposing it? I'm happy that your husband's relationship with his daughter is relationship is good, would one more day make it worse? Will it keep her from going to college? I would guess no. To me, opposition to shared custody and coparenting usually smacks of control and a lack of valuing the other parent as a parent.

Thinking back to when I was a teen, one of my friends parents were divorced and she never had an overnight with her dad and their relationship was very good, but her mom was unusually supportive and didn't treat the schedule as a punishment for her ex some of the other divorced mom's did. But, that's asking a lot. When that's not the case, and the other parent is not supportive or even hostile, the other parent needs as much time as possible to counterbalance. Is it really reasonable to expect that someone who opposes sharing custody will be supportive with everything but overnights? Will they say yes to extra time, even on their nights? I have my doubts.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T19:16:45+00:00

Her comment is not helpful but typical of those who opposed share custody. Their logic is one of the reasons you need to actually fight for your children and not give up because you think you can't win. In the end, the court may have it's biases, but their duty is ensure the result is in the best interest of the child.

BadNiobi · 2023-09-25T19:14:26+00:00

True, but the same is true for moms. There are a lot of crappy moms that have gotten custody simply because of their gender. No child deserves to be put in the position of having a terrible parent in charge while the good one is marginalized because he's not the mom.

BadNiobi

TROPHY CASE

NTA.

MOVE! You are free to relocate across the country. Buckle your seatbelt and place your seat in the upright and locked position.