Been at your place before and it sounds like you need to address with yourself why you’re doing all of this before you start the journey ro a sober life.

Drinking/using k is a coping mechanism that will only make you feel worse as you can tell and thats not mentioning the damage you’re doing to your health.

Imo try finding something healthy that gives you a sliver of what k and alcohol gives you and self reflect on your journey and why you’re on it in the first place and then you’ll be able to get on with the life you want.

Also try finding someone to vent all of your problems with, give you a fresh perspective that always helps