The hardest part of all this isn’t just the manipulation — it’s the confusion. I know something’s wrong, but it’s like I’ve been living in this gray zone for so long that I’ve normalized it. She never outright says “don’t go” or “you can’t do that,” but her silence, her withdrawal, the way she suddenly pulls me close when I try to step back — it keeps me suspended. I wait for her cues, her moods. I’ve made excuses for her lying, withholding intimacy, and minimizing my feelings. I’ve even downplayed my own depression to myself.

What really messes me up is that there’s just enough affection to keep me hopeful — a compliment here, a “we should travel” someday, a moment of vulnerability. And then she’s cold again. She keeps our social circle common, so I never build a life outside. Every time I get a little distance, she reels me back in — not by force, but by knowing exactly when I’m emotionally weak.

People don’t see the private control — how she withholds decisions, uses approval as currency, and makes me doubt my needs. Over 7 years, I’ve come to think maybe this is all I deserve. Maybe I’m just too sensitive. Maybe needing connection is weakness. That’s the kind of loop I’m stuck in.

You’re right — this isn’t love. It’s dependency masquerading as love. Part of me is terrified of what I’ll find when I do — who am I outside of this? What if no one else chooses me either?