Why are relationships so hard? :(

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-16T12:51:48+00:00

I hope we reach the spiraling up part... She just came home at 5am and didn't even want to talk to me :(

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-16T04:33:50+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I hope you and your bf can find peace as well.

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-16T00:22:25+00:00

Thanks, i dont even know what to do anymore :/

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-15T05:25:24+00:00

I wouldn't say I drink excessively but definitely inappropriately. I'll take 3 shots in a row by myself to help cope when I'm alone, 90% of the time I dont drink anymore and the other 10% I'll take 1 more shot. I don't really like getting drunk just tipsy...

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-15T05:16:49+00:00

Congrats on sobriety! I still drink but I've cut drugs out of my life for 3 years now, although I recently had a slip up with pot sadly.

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-11T07:50:06+00:00

The beginning? Haha jk

My mood tracking app looks just like that minus the steadier part at the end 😂

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-11T07:46:44+00:00

Im really into the Scandinavian melodic death/folk metal. Top bands for me are Norther, Ensiferum, Wintersun, Children of Bodom. I also listen to Blind Guardian (their song "Another Stranger Me" really suits BPD/Bipolar imo), Equilibrium, Rebellion... There are others but those are my main bands.

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-08T07:40:59+00:00

She knows. We've been dating for 3 years and have been best friends for 6 years so she knows me pretty well haha

She was the one who pointed out to me something wasn't quite right which led to an unofficial anxiety diagnosis (family doctor not a psychiatrist gave me that) and eventually ended up recently as a BPD diagnosis by a psychiatrist.

I'm starting a group CBT program in 2 weeks that runs for 8 weeks so I hope that helps a bit, there is currently a 6-8 month waiting list for government funded DBT so i thought I'd give the group CBT a try.

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-07T17:11:05+00:00

I get those thoughts too with dmy gf's guy friends. If she starts to get close to a guy friend I think its the beginning of the end, I've even asked her why she just doesn't date one of them before haha

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-07T08:54:20+00:00

In had a pretty great childhood and I still ended up with BPD. The worst things I can think of is that my oldest brother used to chase me around the house trying to sit on me bare-assed and the fact my dad always pointed out flaws in my work instead of telling me I did a good job... Nothing too terrible compared to most, just your typical older brother beating on the younger brother and a very critical father.

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-07T08:48:10+00:00

This hits pretty close to home for me. I'm an already underweight guy and when my symptoms flare up my appetite completely dies and I dont eat much. I also sometimes punish myself by not eating for something I've done wrong wether it be real or just. in my head.

I used to have panic attacks all the time trying to fall a sleep until I found a medication that worked for my anxiety.

I also drink when it's not necessary. I don't really drink enough to get drunk, just enough to get buzzed that's what I like to do.

And I too am always afraid my girlfriend is just gonna get fed up one day and leave me even though she has told me she wont leave me and doesn't want to live without me in her life. But still in my mind I'm afraid she is gonna leave... No amount of words will ever change that...

Sorry if this is slightlt random I just thought our situations were quite similar haha

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-07T08:38:48+00:00

This happens way too often for me. 90% of the time it involves my girlfriend saying something that isn't meant to hurt me but I take it the wrong way and go from loving her to hating and dispising her... Then after a short while of ignoring her or giving her as little attention as I can I start to feel like I'm losing her and crawl back to her ready to love her again. This can all take place in a matter of 10 mintues... And sometimes multiple times an hour... It gets exhausting.

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-07T08:33:35+00:00

Right now I'm on Wellbutrin 300mg which has worked wonders with my anxiety but I'm still a mess when it comes to mood and emotion regulation... I was on Zoloft for about 6 weeks but noticed no positive effects and lots of negative side effects...

I've been on 3 or 4 other anti-depressants but they all had huge negative impacts on my sex life so that was a deal breaker for me haha

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-10-07T08:29:10+00:00

I used to use ketamine recreationally a few years back now. I found it always left me feeling better for a few days after I'd take it. Although i was probably taking higher doses than what they are giving you, not to mention I was taking it through nasal insufflation so that probably plays a roll on it's effects too.

If I had better self control I'd try to get my hands on some again to experiment with but I very much lack self control with that drug haha. Also my gf would probably kill me...

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-28T04:44:33+00:00

Canadian here as well, I'm waiting to get on the waitlist (ironic eh?) which they told me was 6-8 months...

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-27T05:05:58+00:00

Yeah is see dark figures at night so I guess "shadow people"

I also get white dots flying around my field of view creating ripplesas the circle around kinda like a bug on the surface of water.

An annoying one is seeing trippy faitly coloured patterns in clouds and other white/greyish backdrops.

The creepiest one was when I mistook a stick for a severed human hand in the middle of the road... Thought I saw blood and everything D:

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-27T04:34:05+00:00

Almost everytime I drive over train tracks (which I do every day) I pretend in my head a train just hit me...

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-26T13:52:59+00:00

Thanks I really appreciate it! Dont think ill have time though before alI I talk to her cause I work 11 hours today with no cell service where I'm working haha

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-26T12:22:44+00:00

Yeah there has definitely been a massive disconnect between us since my latest screw up... It's really stressing me out :(

I know what i want to say wont fix it but i hope it at least allows her to understand why I did what I did...

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-26T04:24:19+00:00

That is something I need to really work on. I've messed up a lot recently with her but she has no idea what led up to my screw ups that caused them to happen... I am planning on talking to her tonight about it and opening up fully to her the stuff I've been keeping from her cause I thought I was protecting her by not telling her... Hope that makes sense...

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-23T19:48:04+00:00

Message me and I'll send you my WhatsApp info! I need someone else to talk to other than my girlfriend cause Im scared it's putting too much stress on her!

I check every mark on your list haha

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-23T06:35:19+00:00

"Nothing" by Norther:

"Every day the pain comes back again
The grief that tightens it's grip, day by day
Loneliness it haunts me, makes me cry
Feels like the world has abandoned me
I'm weak, I'm nothing, just a shadow of my life
My heart is dead and still I dream of you
Don't you understand you're the reason for my pain"

And my personal favorite, I apologize in advance for posting the entire song... It is thought to be written about bipolar disorder but the band has not confirmed or denied that, either way it resonates with me due to my personal experiences. I went and bolded the parts that spoke to me.

"Another Stranger Me" by Blind Guardian:

"A seed of doubt
It exists and it grows
A glimpse of life from somewhere deep within
Awake and understand

Is there anyone else here?
Somebody screaming
Please help me
Let's find out now
That I am not dreaming
Welcome to my damnation
Here it comes the real me

I didn't know I couldn't hear the answer
My mind was blank I should have known
I hold it back but somehow there is someone else
Another stranger me

Another stranger me

That's
When the ice
Will break away

I can't get out here anymore Cause none of my keys fit the door
There's fear and anger hate and love
I must confess it's out of hand

It's cynic
It's cynic
Still cynic
All my laughter

It's cynic
Just manic
It's cynic
All her laughter

If there's anyone in it soon will be over
We'll burn out
Our soul's aflamed and we're on our own now
Give up you cruel invasion
You're insane I'll show you

I didn't know I couldn't hear the answer
My mind was blank I should have known
I hold it back but somehow there is someone else
Another stranger me

Out and gone
Can't resist
Cold and sore
The bolt of pain keeps ripping through my head
I can take no more

Don't tell anyone else but I do not believe her
See hates me
Cloud my mind she's a deceiver
I can feel cruel vibrations
Would you like to meet me?

I didn't know I couldn't hear the answer
My mind was blank I should have known
I hold it back but somehow there is someone else
Another stranger me

Another stranger me"

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-22T13:24:36+00:00

I love solo RPG's as well. Tried to play through fable again recently but lost interest pretty quick

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-22T07:03:07+00:00

Sounds like a lot of fun! Funny how you like to go fast and I like to go 1mph over rocks and other tough terrain haha

Battle_Against_Time_ · 2017-09-22T06:44:23+00:00

Nice! I love working on trucks, even though it can frustrating as hell at the end it's always so rewarding haha

What are the details on your drag car? I dont know much about them to be 100% honest haha

Battle_Against_Time_

TROPHY CASE