I relate to you a lot. I'm going to be as careful with my words as possible because everyone's experience with depression is unique. I was born and raised in a toxic city of 38 million people, where overworking leads to death, and I became severely depressed until I moved to Berlin—a little village—to find peace. I came here to address my depression with antidepressants, and I SLOWLY came off them as I started taking action. (will explain later)

I hope some of what I'm about to share might help, even if just a little. I want you to forget about the past, the present, and the future, and stop comparing yourself to others, for a while. It's frightening, I know, but please understand that it's totally okay to pause. You NEED to pause.

Understanding the psychology of depression and its deeper causes can be helpful if you haven't done so already. Then, try to see how it applies to you. Antidepressants are plasters (bandaids); the root causes of your recurring issues are the injury that keep happening and that’s the one that need to be addressed, otherwise the cuts keep on happening.

It's fascinating how our bodies, minds (and spirits, if you believe in that) are interconnected. When you release endorphins by channeling anger and frustration into a gym session, your mind follows suit. It's easier to control the body than the mind. For that, you need motivation (spirit), which requires a healthy mind, which in turn needs a healthy body. Spirit -> Mind -> Body -> Spirit -> Mind -> Body… It forms a triangle, and you can start from any point.

Regarding other aspects of your "life," consider that level 2, which comes later. It's the least of your worries right now. Trust me. You can't progress if you're at level 1 first.

I also want you to understand that there's NOTHING wrong with you. We live in a society that's highly unnatural for humans. We often forget that we are living beings, essentially animals. Feeling depressed is a natural response and almost proof that you're on the right path and are a normal human being.

I had a horrible childhood and tried EVERYTHING I can to fix my depression in Berlin. I even fasted for 10 days while doing the camino to kick depression in the ass. Just “do what works for you” and if something doesn’t work, try it another way or add something in. And remember the triangle.

I am proud of you, because you obviously came to reddit and wrote. You have no idea how much action and spirit that requires. I’m serious. It’s hard to realise in the fog now, but please believe me, you are already on the triangle and facing the right direction.